


You and me and our boys

by Skatersince2004



Category: Sons of Anarchy, samcro - Fandom, soa
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family Drama, Romance, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-10 08:43:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 82,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3284126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skatersince2004/pseuds/Skatersince2004
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the TV Show Sons of Anarchy. Spoilers for the Season 6 Finale! AU Season 7 focused on Jax (and Tara)! Rated Mature for later chapters!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
> Author's Note: This is an AU idea I came up with and it's basically me rewriting Season 7 of Sons of Anarchy, with the main focus on Jax (and not the club)! I know it's short, but this is just an intro chapter, to see if anyone is even interested in this kind of story. So review if you like it and want me to continue. Thanks.

The pain was unbearable. It was more than he could take.

Jax has had his share of pain. He'd been in more fights than he could count over the years. He's been shot at, he's been beaten, he's been stabbed multiple times. He's lost people he'd loved. His father John and his younger brother Thomas. He had lost his other brothers too; he'd lost Ope.  
And when Opie died, he wasn't sure how he would ever recover from that. The pain had nearly crippled him, but everyone was looking to him for answers and he knew he had to go on one way or another, or more people would die.

But now ... now that he was holding the lifeless bloody body of the only woman he'd ever truly loved in his arms, the emotional pain was so real, that it manifested into physical pain and all he could do was cry and scream in agony to bring voice to the excruciating torture he was feeling inside.

Images of her flashed through his mind. Beautiful images of their life together, from their childhood until now, and it seemed to fuel the pain like kerosene to fire, knowing that this was the end of it all.

He'd never hear her say his name again. Or kiss him or hold him. Confide in him. Never again would she smile that beautiful smile that could melt his heart. Never again would she share her dreams of a future together. She would not be there to see their boys grow into young men. She would not be there to grow old herself.   
Never again, would there be a them. Jax and Tara ... never again!  
Her being was so intertwined into his, he simply couldn't imagine how this story would end without her in it. Every moment of true happiness he'd ever felt, they were all linked to her. With her was when he truly felt like a man. A husband and a father. With her is when he let himself be vulnerable, because she wouldn't see it as weakness but strength instead.   
She was everything to him. She was the key to his hope and happiness.  
Now all of that was gone. There was no happily ever after. No saving grace. With Tara gone, there was nothing left.

Jax vaguely registered the arrival of District Attorney Patterson and her goons. 

He heard his own name being spoken but it sounded like a far away echo to him. He was in a daze, hoping it was just a bad dream that he would awake from any moment now, as the tears still streamed down his face.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and Jax stiffened under the touch as he looked up and seemed to recognize the man as one of the ATF Agents that accompanied the D.A. on prior occasions.

As if in slow motion, he witnesses the man reach for Tara's neck, obviously looking for a pulse and Jax finds himself paralyzed by the pain and unable to stop the man from doing so.   
For a split second, Jax closed his eyes and took in a breath. He knows he's about to hear the unthinkable confirmed out loud.   
Tara Knowles-Teller is dead.   
Like a statistic, just another fucking name and check mark on a clipboard at the morgue.

It's a matter of seconds. It's all happening so fast and Jax opened his eyes, bracing himself for the words that he knows will haunt him for the rest of his miserable life.

"She's got a pulse!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say that it was much, much harder to write Jax then I had anticipated. I came to find it incredibly hard to get his characteristics across on paper, so I'm open to suggestions if you have any. Since I'm new to writing him, please take pity on me. It will definitely take me a few more chapters before I 'warmed up' to writing him and some of the other characters as well. Thanks for that!

Jax was pacing around the small cell like a caged animal. Running his hands through his hair every so often, and rubbing his eyes when they began to water up once more at the thought of her covered in blood on their kitchen floor. 

The tiniest noise outside of the holding cell area would catch his attention. He'd stare at the door, hoping that someone would finally step through and tell him what the hell was going on. But it didn't really surprise him that nobody here was telling him anything, because right now, at this moment, he was their number one suspect in the murder of Sheriff Eli Roosevelt.

It had been hours since the ambulance had arrived at his house and within minutes she was taken away from him. He could still hear the sirens blaring through the streets of Charming when they rushed her away and possibly out of his life forever. 

It was still surreal to him what had happened. He tried to wrack his brain about who could've done that to her. The scene had been so bloody, it had to have been gang related. Nothing else made sense to him.

But as much as he'd wanted to find the people responsible for this, his mind simply wouldn't stay on task. He couldn't stop thinking about her and whether or not she was still alive. Whether or not Abel and Thomas would still have a mother.

Just then the door opened and officer Candy Eglee stepped inside, quietly closing the door behind her. 

Jax rushed to the bars, and tried to read the expression on the face of the woman before him. 

Candy was a friend to the club, always had been. She was born and raised in Charming just like him. Ope, Tara, Candy and him had gone to school together. And right now he was thankful for that fact more than he'd ever been before, because she was the only person in this station that would talk to him at the moment.

"Tell me." He begged, his eyes red rimmed and tired as he clutched the metal bars with all his might.

"She's alive." Candy stated with a quiet voice.

Jax released the breath he had been holding and took a step back. Stumbling backwards into the cot behind him. He hid his face in his hands when the tears started falling once more. Wiping at his face, he turned his attention back to Candy. Her expression was anything other than hopeful. 

What did she know?

"Is she awake? Did she say who did this to her?" He tried to understand.

"I'm sorry." She said and she turned her face away from him, trying to compose herself. "I don't have all the details, but ... she's in a coma, Jax, and ... they're saying it doesn't look good."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ten days later

Jax sat tightlipped across District Attorney Patterson and listened to her explain that she had no leads concerning Tara's assault. "The evidence has been processed, all the lab work's back and other then the obvious facts, the results gave us nothing. We've talked to family, friends and neighbors, the MC, except Ortiz, he seems to be MIA, and no one can shed any light on who or why Tara was attacked." 

It didn't surprise Jax the least that nobody was talking to the police. It was their code after all. This attack on a family member of the club would be handled the same way as any other attack in the past; with retaliation! Revenge! Him and the club would find out who was responsible for this and they would be paying with their life!

As if she could read his mind, she added, " I understand the pain you're in, son, the reason for your silence ... I lost a son. And a nephew. To gang violence. I didn't want any one arrested, I wanted them dead. Heartless cold bullets to the back of the head, just the way they killed my boy. That's a natural reaction. The desire for revenge. It's a part of grieving. The difference is in my world I knew that those violent desires would never become real. In yours, it's a very likely outcome."

Jax remained silent, he understood what she was trying to do, but the rage he felt for whoever did this to his wife overpowered any logic at the moment. 

Tyne Patterson knew that with Tara Knowles-Teller in a coma, the deal she'd struck with them just ten days ago was off the table. She could no longer hold Tara's possible prosecution over Jackson Teller's head. At least not now . "We couldn't tie you to either murder. Parole violation, the gun, it wasn't fired, it was in the house. We're gonna let you go. Your mother is here to see you, she can take you home."

Tyne Patterson stood up and gathered her files on the table, before she turned her attention back to Jax again. Almost bashful, she confessed, "I've been doing this for over twenty years and until today I have never said a word about my personal life to someone on the other side of this table."

It took Jax by surprise and his curiosity caused him to speak up for the first time, "So why me?"

Why me?

"Because I needed help to connect with the man who did the right thing ten days ago. Who knows the importance of family. And that more violence will only destroy what's left of his."

XXXXXXXXX

Jax quietly pushed the door open and stepped wordlessly inside the hospital room. He vaguely took notice of the nurse that was standing beside her bed, who was taking notes on a clipboard before she left the room. 

He froze for a long moment at the sight of her. She looked so vulnerable, he thought. Her head was bandaged up, she had a breathing tube down her throat and all sorts of cables and wires attached to her with machines peeping away in the background.

He quietly stepped closer to her. 

His eyes scanned the machines beside her bed. Those machines might be the ones breathing for her right now, but she was still here.

She was alive!

He leaned forward, bending over her and placed a small gentle kiss against her forehead, brushing his own hair back again as he stood. He wanted to do more, wanted to touch her so badly. Wanted to scoop her up, wrap her up in his arms, hold her close enough to hear her heartbeat against him and never let her go. 

But he did neither of those things. Instead he sat down on the side of her bed and reached for her hand. With his eyes trained on her face, he desperately hoped for any reaction when he touched her, but there was none. Her hand seemed so small in comparison to his own. It still felt like her hand, it felt like her and if he closed his eyes he could pretend for just a moment that she was simply sleeping, nothing more.

"I'm so sorry, babe. I'm so so sorry." He said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

He stared at her, unable to take his eyes off of her. When they'd rushed her into the ambulance and closed the doors, he'd wondered if it would be the last time he'd ever see her alive. So now he simply sat and drank up the image of her, as painful at the image might be, he'd cherish it and not take it for granted ever again. 

Memories of their childhood and teenage romance flooded his mind. Back then they'd thought that life had dealt them bad cards, but hindsight is 20/20 and he'd give anything ... anything to go back and do things right, do things over! Anything from preventing this and everything else Tara has had to endure because of her association with him and the club. Her words playing on repeat in his mind. 

I have sacrificed everything for you!

Jax didn't know how much time had passed while he sat there by her side, but he knew that it was time for him to go so he could begin to set his plan in motion.

"I know I made countless promises to you ... and I didn't keep 'em." He could feel his eyes well up with fresh tears once again as he was yet to make another promise to Tara. "I failed you. I failed our boys. I failed us, and I promise you that I'm going to fix that." He raised her hand up to his lips and kissed it gently. "I'll make you proud. I promise."

He wiped the tears from his face and quickly stood. "I love you, Tara!" He said as he leaned over her once more and placed one last kiss to her forehead, before he turned around and left the room without looking back. 

He had a plan. And there was nothing that would stop him this time from following through on it. He would do this for Tara. He'd finish what she had intended to do. He'd save their boys!

When Jax left the room, he turned his attention to rat boy, who he'd ordered to stand guard. "You don't let anyone in, do you hear me. No one gets near her unless they're working in this hospital and have a fucking ID to prove so. You got that?"

If Tara woke up, she could potentially identify her attacker, which meant there was a high possibility that the person would come back to finish the job. And he wouldn't let that happen! So finding the man who did this wasn't just about revenge, it was a necessity to ensure she'd be unharmed from here on out.

XX

Gemma sat in the small chapel, alone and in complete silence. The unwavering look of devastation in Jax's eyes was more than she could take. Every time she looked at him, every time she looked at Abel or Thomas, the guilt began to eat her up inside and she feared that it was written all over her face. It was oozing out of her like pus out of an infected wound. 

She'd tried her best to pull herself together. Conceal her guilt for grief. She simply had to. For self-preservation, and for Abel and Thomas, but it was incredibly hard to keep the guilt from consuming her every thought.

Tara's chance of waking up was slim to none, and her chance of living as a functioning human being was even slimmer, but what if she did wake up. What if Tara woke up and Jax would find out the horrible truth. It would devastate him even more. It would rip their family apart, and she simply couldn't let that happen. She knew it was too early to suggest to him to take Tara off of life support, yet every day that passed with Tara still breathing, was another day Gemma lived in fear that the truth would be revealed and she'd lose everything that mattered to her!

Just then, the chapel doors behind her opened and Jax stepped inside. He quietly took a seat beside his mother, but his mind was clearly focused elsewhere.

Gemma broke the silence when she reached for his hand and spoke up, "Where are you at with this, Sweetheart?"

Jax slowly shook his head and swallowed the lump in his throat, "I'm not sure, mom." He wiped at his eyes once more. His face filled with anger and self hatred. "This is on me. My wife is lying in that bed, hooked up to those machines because of me, because of who I am, because of what I am. Someone hurt her, 'cause they wanted to hurt me!" He turned to look at his mother, "How ... how am I going to fix this? How can I make this right?"

Gemma framed his face and pulled him close enough to place a kiss on his cheek. "I'm not sure yet, baby, but we'll figure it out together. You're not alone. I'm always here for you, Jackson, no matter what."

"I know." Jax wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "Thank you, mom."

XXX

Jax and Chibs embraced in the corridor by the hospital chapel. Gemma was on her way back to the boys. 

The rest of the sons were all scattered around Charming, Stockton and Oakland, working on leads about Tara's assault. The club had their obvious suspicions, but without any proof and since all their effort had been fruitless this far, Jax decided to go ahead and began working towards the other part of his plan instead.

X

He knocked tentatively on the door, and waited until he heard the familiar voice invite him in before he proceeded to step inside the small office.

Margaret Murphy quickly stood from her spot behind her desk. The look in her eyes was one Jax had been familiar with over the years in this town, it was one of panic and fear. Clearly the close confidant of Tara was not yet convinced that he didn't have anything to do with the attack on his wife.

"What are you doing here, Mr. Teller?" She said with bravado in her voice that didn't match the fearful expression displayed on her face.

"I'm here to talk to you." Jax said and without waiting for Margaret to invite him to do so, he took a seat in the chair opposite hers.

"I'm not sure what I could possibly help you with." She said and with obvious reluctance, she sat back down, her eyes trained on the man in front of her.

Jax nodded at Chibs and he wordlessly disappeared out of the room, closing the door behind him. 

Jax cleared his throat. "Tara and I reconciled." he started to explain, "Right before she was attacked. I struck a deal with the District Attorney. I was going to turn myself in for ... for past crimes, if they'd drop all the charges against Tara. Tara was free to go." He stopped and shook his head at the tragedy of it all. "She went home to begin packing up so she could leave this place."

Margaret nodded her understanding. She could see the anguish on Jax's face as he recited the events from that day and realized that her fears had been unfounded. But she still wasn't entirely sure why Jax was telling her all of this. 

She leaned forward and folded her hands on her desk in front of her, "Why are you telling me this?"

Jax's eyes connected with hers, "Tara wanted our boys away from this. Away from this life ... my life. More than anything, she wanted a different path for them and she came so close."

"Yes." Margaret said and nodded agreeing with everything Jax had said.

"Tara confided it you. She trusted you. I'm trying ... I need to finish what she started. I need to save our boys ... for her."

She shook her head, unsure of how she fit into any of this, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm the right person for you to talk to."

Jax sat up and leaned forward, and brushed his hair back with his hands once again, "She told you everything. She told you what her plan had been. She -"

"Yes, she did." Margaret interrupted him, "But the person that can truly help you with what Tara's wishes were is not me, Mr. Teller. You'll need to talk to her lawyer, Ms. Lowen instead!"

Jax frowned. He knew that Lowen would be even less inclined to talk to him about anything Tara was concerned, but he'd always been quick to think on his feet and looked hopefully at the woman across from him. "You need to call her then, ask her to meet you here, but don't tell her about me or she's not going to show."

Margaret didn't bother to ask why that was, but instead reached for the phone on her desk and after a quick glance at a piece of paper in her desk drawer, she dialed the number and waited for the phone to ring.

X

Ally Lowen knocked on the door to Tara's old office and waited a moment before she opened the door and stepped inside. Margaret stood by the large file cabinets to the left and waved the lawyer inside. 

"I've got a meeting in thirty minutes, so I can't stay long. What was it you needed to talk to me about?"

Jax appeared in the door behind her and Ally, clearly still frightened, took a few steps back. She looked fearfully from Margaret back to Jax, who was shutting the door behind him.

"What is this?" She pleaded, clearly confused.

Jax raised his hands in a surrendering gesture, "I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk."

She looked back and forth between Margaret and Jax before her eyes settled on him, "Rosen got reassigned to handle the club and I resigned as Tara's lawyer. There's nothing left to talk about, Jax."

"Please." Jax said and gestured to one of the chairs. "Hear me out. It's about Tara."

Ally hesitated and looked to Margaret for guidance, and after the older woman gave her an approving nod, Ally pulled a chair into position and reluctantly sat down.

She folded her hands in her lap and looked back at Jax, waiting for him to start.

Jax pulled a chair out and sat down when Margaret excused herself and left the room.

He wasn't really sure where to start, especially since Lowen was short on time, but he figured the best approach would be to fill her in on the events right before Tara had been attacked. 

He needed Lowen to know that he was not behind the attack on Tara. He needed her to know that they'd made up and that Tara had been free and clear. He needed Lowen to trust him again. So he filled her in on all of it, on his plan to do right by her by getting their boys out of the life and waited for her response.

He could practically see the wheels in her head turning as she was processing everything Jax had explained to her just now, but he could see she was still reluctant towards him. And frankly he couldn't blame her. After all, he had outright threatened her.

Lost in deep thought, she suddenly looked at him and finally spoke up, "The DA is not going to prosecute a mother of two who's currently in a coma, so I'm guessing for now you're no longer turning yourself in for those KG-nines?"

He shook his head, "That's right, I'm not."

Ally nodded, but he could see the reluctance on her face to speak up.

"What?" Jax pried and searched her face for an answer.

She looked dead at him, "Is it possible ... is it possible that someone from the club -"

"No way." Jax cut her off and shook his head in disgust. "They all knew that this is what I wanted. I made the choice to take the fall so my wife can go free. None of them would-"

"What about Ortiz?" She cut him off this time. "I've heard he's missing. Would he have any reason to attack Tara?"

Jax frowned. Juice had betrayed him and had been missing since the night Tara had been attacked. The thought that he was behind this, had briefly crossed his mind, but he'd quickly dismissed it. He couldn't imagine Juice doing such a thing to Tara, but it was strange to hear somebody else mentioning him and looking at him as a possible suspect. 

"He betrayed me and he knew that I had found out about it. He ran, not wanting to face the club after what he'd done, but still ... I can't picture him doing that to Tara."

"What about Gemma?" Ally questioned out loud against her better judgment.

Jax shrugged his shoulders, not understanding how Gemma fit into the picture, "What about her?"

"Tara's made it perfectly clear that she didn't want her boys around her. She didn't want Gemma in their life at all, so the fact that you were turning yourself in and Tara was about to leave town must've made her angry."

Jax stood, suddenly enraged at what the lawyer was implying. "My mother didn't do this. God knows, she's no saint, but she couldn't do something like that."

"Alright." Ally replied. "So it was retaliation?"

Jax sad back down and nodded, "Yes."

"For what?" She asked, but caught herself and raised her hand, "Never mind, don't answer that."

They both were silent for a long moment, until Ally glanced at her watch. "I have to get going soon, and quite frankly I'm not really sure how I can help you."

Jax sighed and looked back at his former lawyer, "I'm trying to figure out what Tara would want me to do. There was a distance between us after her arrest ... and I'll take the blame for that, but ... but now." He looked down at his own hands, "I know she wants the boys away from this, but I can't just pack them up and leave. I can't-"

"Leave your club." Lowen interrupted him.

But Jax surprised her when he shook his head, "No, you don't understand. When I found her lying in a pool of her own blood, I thought she was dead." Tears began to well up in his eyes as the moment replayed itself in his mind and he didn't even care that Ally Lowen was there to witness it. "This isn't about the club anymore. This is about Tara. I can't leave her!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review and let me know what you think! xoxo


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and reviews/comments!

It had turned out to be a very long day for Jax since he had gotten released from County Jail earlier, and it wasn't over just yet.

Finally being able to see Tara with his own eyes was a feeling he couldn't describe even if he tried. It soothed his aching soul to know and see for himself that she was alive; yet her injuries fuelled his lust to seek revenge for her even more.

After seeking advice from both Margaret Murphy and Ally Lowen, he stopped by her room once more before he left the hospital for good to show his face to the rest of the guys at Scoops. That's where Nero had suddenly appeared unannounced.

Over the last couple of months, Jax had come to know Nero Padilla, and the older man had grown into somewhat of a mentor for him, a voice of reason in the constant chaos that was part of the life.

Yet the ten days Jax had spend behind bars, he'd had plenty of time to think - maybe too much time! So when Jax had been wracking his brain, trying to figure out who could've done such a thing to Tara, Nero and his words about Karma had come back to haunt Jax more than he'd like to admit.

'Do you believe in karma, mano? You know, something greater that's moving all the pieces around?

Not today.

I do! I know it! Shit, I feel it every time I see my boy! You ever think, maybe all those bad things that are happening to the mother of your children, just maybe that's because of some heinous thing you did to another child's mother?

I don't know where you're going with this-

Please don't lie to me twice, Jax. I know what happened to Darvany, I know what you had Juice do.

What did Juice do?

Killed an innocent woman, and then you looked at me in the eye and you lied to me about it. You embraced me and called me brother. You think shit like that just gets buried? Just goes away? It don't, mano. It comes back, and when it does ... it makes you pay!'

 

Deep down Jax didn't want to believe that Nero and his crew had anything to do with the attack on Tara, but that last conversation with him had definitely planted a seed of doubt. The same doubt that ate at him every time he thought about Juice disappearing that same night. He couldn't help but wonder if it was just a coincidence, or if all of this was connected somehow.

Then there were the Chinese. Could the assault on Tara been retaliation for the Sons and Marks assassinating the Chinese to seal the deal with the Irish? Anything was possible, but there were no signs left behind that they'd done it. And without any physical proof, he agreed to the sit-down with Nero, Alvarez and the Chinese. It was an unavoidable necessity to keep the peace, at least for now.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer!

He'd be lying if he said that worrying about Club business wasn't a welcoming distraction at times. He simply had to admit that as much as he wanted to focus on finding Tara's attacker and figuring out what to do with their boys, he felt that for the time being his hands were tied behind his back.

He knew Tara wanted the boys out of the life, but he simply couldn't leave her behind in Charming.

Jax knew the moment he'd left Tara's bedside today, he'd have to make a decision. Would he go see the boys and bring them home with him, or would he stay away from them until he knew who was behind her attack. It was either all or nothing!

But now as he pulled Tara's Ford into the driveway of his house with the boys in the backseat, a feeling of doubt began to overwhelm him. Was Gemma right? 

She was glad that he'd come to see them, but feared it was too soon for them to return back to that house?

"Mom!" He'd stopped her mid speech. "This isn't up for discussion. I am taking my sons home!"

But now he suddenly doubted his own decision again. Had he made the right choice to bring the boys home with him tonight?

Jax shut the car off, glanced into the rearview mirror and found Abel's eyes connecting with his. He could've sworn the kid had fallen asleep on the short drive home, but now he seemed wide awake.

Jax carried a sleeping Thomas in his arms to the front door as Abel ran up rather impatiently ahead of him. The little guy was smiling and seemed excited, and it broke Jax's heart when he realized that Abel was hoping to find his mother inside. Maybe Gemma was right!

After unlocking the front door, Abel rushed inside the still dark house, his small voice yelling 'mommy' in search for Tara and Jax hurriedly stepped in after him, turning the lights on as he followed Abel along. Abel came to a stop in his parents' bedroom and turned around to his father just as Jax stopped in the door and flipped the light switch on, the room illuminated around them.

Jax dropped the bag he'd slung over his shoulder onto the ground, before he turned his full attention to Abel with Thomas still sleeping in his arms.   
He knelt down in front of him, his hand running through the boy's short blond hair before it stilled on his tiny shoulder. "She's still in the hospital, buddy. She's still sick. Remember?"

Abel nodded in understanding, but Jax could see the sadness on his face and the tears that began to form in his eyes before he pulled his son into a embrace with his one free arm.

This moment, with Abel crying for his mom in his arms, was the reason why he'd contemplated not seeing the boys until he'd sorted everything out. He wasn't sure what to say to him, not sure what to do. He knew he was being vague and tiptoed around the subject of their mother, because as much as Jax refused to give up on Tara, as much as he'd rip anyone to shreds if they dared saying she might not pull through, he couldn't muster the courage to promise Abel that she'd be alright. Because what if she wasn't?

So now here was the next question on Jax's mind. Would it be worse to keep the boys from ever seeing her lying in that hospital bed unconscious? Or would he do more damage if he'd bring them in to see her?

Jax didn't know the answer and he feared having to make that choice for them as well.

As he thought about all those things, he wanted to cry along with Abel for the unfairness of it all. If anyone should've been hurt like that it should've been him, the leader of the club, the president ... not her, not the mother of his children.   
Not Tara!

 

X

 

It felt odd to Jax, yet also strangely comforting to get the boys ready for bed without the help of Gemma or anyone else. Taking care of them was one more thing that temporarily took his mind off of his wife, at least up until the moment when Abel would point out his mistakes to him.

"Mommy doesn't do it like that!" Those innocent words coming from Abel's mouth managed to stop Jax dead in his tracks and he found himself staring back at his son in the bathtub.

After a moment, he managed to utter a reply, "Well, how does mommy do it, little man?" And held the washcloths out to him.

Abel reached for it and smiled with confidence in his eyes, he knew their bath time routine. "Here, daddy, I show you."

 

X

 

He'd bathed Thomas and put a pull-up diaper on him before changing him into his pajamas for the night, and was now feeding him his bottle. Tara had continued to pump her breast milk for him, but even her frozen supply was beginning to run thin now, and knew the nightly bottle would soon be nothing more than a habit he knew he'd have to break his two year old son from rather sooner than later.   
Abel sat on the couch beside them, freshly bathed and dressed in his pajamas. And in this moment, the little guy seemed almost happy while he was watching cartoons alongside his father and little brother.

Just then the doorbell rang and startled Jax out of his short moment of contentment between him and his sons. Abel looked up at him, but didn't move from his spot on the couch when Jax got up to answer the door. He looked down at his other son on his lap and decided to sit Thomas down, allowing him to hold the bottle himself, much to the little boys displeasure.

Jax stepped up to the front door, and looked through the peephole. Surprised, he reached for the doorknob and opened the door for Ally Lowen.

"Hi." She said, and by the look on her face, he could see that the female lawyer was still somewhat hesitant towards him. But despite her fear, she was here, at his house in the dark of night, and that had to mean something.

"Hi." Jax replied perplexed, before he gathered his wits and stepped aside, gesturing for her to come in.

She slipped passed him, but stopped short in the hallway when she saw the boys sitting in the living room, "I'm sorry, I probably should've called." She began to apologize.

Jax closed the door behind him, and shook his head, "No, it's fine. I was just feeding Thomas his last bottle for the night, then they're both off to bed." He said as he ushered her into the living room and picked up Thomas again, who had begun to cry in protest out loud.

"Oh. Okay." Ally replied as she looked around for a place to sit.

With Thomas on his hip, Jax took the brown throw-blanket and blue pillow from the arm chair and tossed it into the baby's playpen that had served more as a toy box as of late, before he gestured with his free hand for her to sit. Jax returned to his seat on the couch and began to feed Thomas what little was left in his bottle.

Ally glanced at Abel, whose eyes were glued to the TV, and a small smile crossed her lips when she saw how hard the little boy was trying to stay awake. But she quickly focused her attention back on Jax. The criminal with his son in his arms, something she'd never quite pictured before.

"So ..." Jax wondered out loud, as his eyes connected with hers across the small room, "What brings you here this late?"

Ally leaned back in her chair and sat her briefcase down on the floor beside her. "Maybe ... maybe we should wait until the boys are in bed."

He eyed her warily and raised his eyebrows when he nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Maybe we should." But instantaneously his curiosity was peeked tenfold.

What was she willing to share with him now that she hadn't mentioned earlier at the hospital?

 

X

 

Jax emerged from the Thomas' bedroom and found Ally standing near the fireplace, looking at the pictures of the boys on the mantle. She turned towards him when he stepped into the room, but remained quiet.

"Sorry. Didn't think it'd take that long." He mumbled an apology.   
"It's their first night back since ..." He paused and she nodded in understanding.

He gestured towards the kitchen, "Do you want a drink? Some water? Coffee? ... I was gonna make me some tea." What he really needed was a whiskey! A double!

"Uhm, yes, a tea would be ... nice."

She followed Jax into the kitchen, bringing her briefcase along before placing it on the dining room table.

Jax filled the teakettle, placed it on the stove and turned the knob to high, before he turned around noting her standing there awkwardly, with her arms crossed while her eyes scanned the kitchen for any left behind evidence.

There was none to be found, Gemma or whoever had cleaned the place up, after CSI had left, had done a hell of a job. The kitchen sparkled in a way it hadn't in years, in fact the whole house smelled like a mixture of bleach and lemon, and there was not a trace left of the horrible crime that had occurred here less than two weeks ago.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded towards the sink, "That's where I found her. On the ground."

Ally looked to the floor by the sink before she met his eyes, but she didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say.

"I thought she was dead. I thought I'd lost her." He confessed and turned away reaching for two cups inside the cupboard, just long enough to keep his tears at bay and his emotions back under control.

He dropped a bag of tea in each cup before he suddenly turned back around and faced her.

"Why are you here?" He finally blurted out, clearly having lost his patience of doing this awkward dance with her.

She looked back at the dinner table behind her, "Maybe we should sit."

Jax leaned back against the kitchen counter and closed his eyes as he took in a deep breath. He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. From the moment he'd left the hospital, he'd bottled up his emotions for the sake of everyone around him, - his brothers, his sons, his mother - ... his enemies. But it was late and he couldn't keep his frustration at bay any longer. He thought being released this morning would speed things along, that he would find something his brothers couldn't! But he had gotten nowhere, absolutely nowhere today. Ten days and not a good damn clue about who'd done it.

So now, standing here with Lowen in his kitchen, in the kitchen, he simply couldn't handle all the small talk any longer. "Maybe we just cut through all the bullshit and you just tell me why you're here?"

The words sounding much harsher than he'd intended them to be, and he feared momentarily that she'd take flight, but to his surprise she didn't.

Instead she turned her back to him, stepped over to her briefcase, opened it and retrieved several stacks of papers, before she turned and held them out for him to take.

Still visibly irritated, Jax stepped up beside her and took them, glancing at pages that were filled with Tara's handwriting.

"What is this?" He looked up at Ally, before his eyes went back to Tara's words in front of him.

The kettle whistled on the stove and when Jax didn't make a move, Ally stepped over to the stove instead. In that moment, she realized just how odd her relationship with the Teller family had become. Her being here, consulting him, presenting Jax with photocopies of Tara's notes ... she knew damn well that it was unethical, and that it could possibly cost her her license, but she also knew that Jax needed to see this to understand what she was about to tell him next.

Without taken his eyes off of the paper, Jax pulled out a chair and sat. Ally brought both cups of steaming tea over to the table and sat beside him. She hesitated as she watched his eyes scan the first page, and then the second, but finally decided to explain. "Tara wrote down things that had happened. Things that had put her in danger, put her children in danger. Recalling moments where she'd feared for her life, and for her family."

Jax exhaled the breath he'd been holding and dropped the stack of papers on the table. Page two and he'd already seen enough.

He hid his face in both his hands for a long moment, before he looked back up at the woman sitting beside him and simply shook his head. He didn't know what to say. He remembered everything that had ever happened to them, to her, yet to see it written out like that. In Tara's own words, page after page after page, her describing how terrified she was ... it made him sick to his stomach.

"When ... when did she write this?" He wondered out loud as he searched Ally's face for an answer.

"At County, when she was locked up." Ally replied.

"Why?" Came the question Ally had dreaded, but at the same time it was also the main reason why she'd pushed her fears aside and decided to show up here tonight.

Ally cleared her throat, and took a deep breath before she answered him, "All Tara cared about was getting her boys away from this life. She was worried that, should she be convicted and sent to prison, that Gemma would be the boys' primary caregiver even if you remained free. She tried to ... she wanted Wendy to be the legal guardian, to take the kids and leave Charming, but since you wouldn't sign off on that, she saw no other choice than to file for divorce, Jax."

Jax balled his hands into fists at the memory of it all. His face displaying the turmoil he was feeling inside, but he didn't say anything as he stared off into the distance as if lost in his own thoughts.

"She didn't want to ... but divorcing you, and providing proof of a history of violence, with this." She pointed a manicured finger at the pages in front of him. "It was her only chance, the only way of getting Wendy granted guardianship against yours and Gemma's will."

Jax sighed out loud, before he finally looked up to meet her eyes, "I didn't think we'd need it." He shook his head. "I didn't realize how scared she was. I didn't know ..." he tried to excuse his actions but couldn't find the words to justify them. In hindsight he knew he should've just signed the damn papers back then. Even if he'd truly believed that she'd walk free, he should've signed them just to ease her troubled mind ... but he hadn't.

A moment of silence passed between them, before Jax finally spoke up. Surprising her with his honest confession, "I'm with my back against the wall here."

He shook his head, his eyes displaying the sorrow he felt inside. "I took my boys home with me tonight, because I wanted them to know that they're not alone. That their father still loves them, and I guess part of me did it, because I know that Tara doesn't want Gemma to raise them. But what do I do?" He voiced the question towards her, but she knew he was not really expecting an answer.

"Besides my obligations towards the club ... their mother is in a coma, I can't just pack up and leave even if I wanted to. And Wendy ... I know Wendy was her choice, but she just fucking relapsed for the hundredth time. My mother just shipped her ass off to rehab again." He lowered his head in defeat, he was at a loss.

Ally nodded her agreement, she'd heard about Wendy's relapse from Margaret. But that's why she was here, to answer Jax's question from earlier today, about that Tara would want him to do.

She reached across the table and surprised Jax when she touched his hand to gain his attention once more. "There's a military post about an hour west from here."

Jax looked back at her with confusion written all over his unshaven face, yet he replied knowledgeable, "Yeah, Travis Air Force Base, right?"

"Yes, that's the one." But before Jax could question what that had to do with his current dilemma, Ally went on to elaborate, "There's single airmen and women with children who are send off to war, sometimes as long as fifteen months. It isn't cheap, but there's family's who will take those kids in while the soldiers are deployed."

"Like Foster care?" Jax realized where she was going with this. "After everything they've been through, I can't just pawn them off to some strangers."

Ally shook her head, "It's not like that. It's not foster care. They take great care of them and provide for them in a loving home. And your situation is unique, because they'd just be an hour away. If you wanted to, you could go see them several times a week, spend every weekend with them. But they'd be safe, away from Charming, the club and Gemma!"

He contemplated everything she'd said. "I appreciate it, but I'm gonna have to think about this for a little while." He answered truthfully.

And she nodded her head in understanding, "Of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still struggling to get the characters down pat, but I'm trying folks. Lowen's character might seem a bit OOC, but please let me explain her motivation behind her actions in this chapter. I always felt like she cared for Tara on more than just a client basis, maybe because she could identify more with a successful doctor than any of the other criminals she'd defended in the past. So since Jax reached out to her for help, she decided to take the opportunity to help get those babies out of charming alive.  
> Please leave a review if you liked it and care to read more. I really appreciate it. Thank you. xoxo  
> P.S. I'm hard at work on chapter 4!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
> Author's Note: I want to thank you so much for all your lovely and encouraging reviews and comments on this story. I'm sorry that real life and personal reasons have kept me from updating this story for so long. I hope people are still interested to see where this story goes and how it unfolds. Please leave a few words/review if you like this chapter.  
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A whole week had passed since Jax was released from County, though not much had changed.

Tara was still in a coma after her surgery and remained unresponsive, but so far all her scans revealed ample brain activity, which the doctors all agreed was a good sign, so Jax remained hopeful that she'd wake up soon.

Yet the search for her attacker was still leading nowhere. On one hand Jax's blood was boiling with the need for revenge and at times it took all his willpower to not unleash that wrath on anyone currently in his path. 

On the other hand he tried his best to contain that bloodlust for the sake of his boys. Since he'd been released he'd taken on a more active role in parenting, and was trying his best to stay on the right track for his sons.

 

It was only 5am and Jax found himself sitting alone at the table in his kitchen, a hot cup of coffee still steaming before him and the photocopies of Tara's ordeals spread out in front of him. 

After Lowen left them with him, he'd read them all, some of them more than once, and he'd be lying if he said that reading how scared his wife had been at times wasn't feeding his resolve to do right by her this time. For once he wanted to keep the promise he'd made to her. That he'd fix this and protect their sons in the process of it all. That he'd make her proud.

So with that in mind, he'd finally come to a decision. One he knew would probably confuse the boys to some degree, maybe even scare them, but he knew it had to be done. As much as he wanted them close, he knew they needed distance from the club and the life that came with it. 

After days of contemplating his options and hours consulting with Margaret Murphy, he'd finally made up his mind. The boys would move in with Margaret and her family for the time being. Abel would start the new preschool Tara had enrolled him in several months ago and Thomas would go back to the childcare center at Saint Thomas. Margaret would be their primary guardian, and would ensure that they got to see their mother at least once a day if not more often, but Jax would try his best to be there every night to spend time with them and get them settled and ready for bed.

At least that was the plan Margaret and him had decided on, and today was the day he'd have to explain it all to Abel. And truth be told, Jax was scared to inflict any more emotional scars on the boy, considering everything he'd already had to endure in his short life. He didn't want Abel to think that this arrangement would make him lose his father too.

As for Margaret Murphy, Jax knew no amount of money could convey the amount of gratitude he felt for the older woman when she graciously offered to take in his two sons for the time being. Not only did he know that Margaret would take great care of his sons, but he also knew that Margaret would make it a point to remind them daily of their mother and only speak of Tara in a good light. Something he wasn't sure his own mother would be able to do. 

He wanted to believe that Gemma was also grieving and worried about Tara, but he also couldn't overlook the fact how much she relished being the main caretaker for his two young sons. That first became clear the moment he decided to take them home with him and the argument that would've ensued had he not put a immediate stop to it.

Gemma had shown up several times, always offering to watch the boys and obviously annoyed whenever he'd turned her down. However the straw that broke the camel's back was last night, after a long dreadful day of handling club business and yet another dead end concerning Tara's attack, Gemma showed up at the house, unannounced.

She helped him get the boys bathed and settled into bed, which wasn't that unusual, but after the boys had fallen asleep, her suggestion to Jax to 'visit with Collette' and 'let off some steam' was disturbing, even for her standards.

Gemma may have never condoned his cheating ways in the past, but never had she actually suggested it or tried to talk him into being with someone other than Tara.

Clearly perplexed by Gemma's suggestion, he was speechless at first and it took him a moment to come to the dreadful realization that his own mother either didn't share his believe in Tara's recovery, or she simply didn't think his wife was worth the wait.

Either one of those revelations had caused Jax' jaw to clench in anger as he confronted his mothers intentions. Gemma had always been smart concerning the choice of her words, but no matter how hard she tried to backtrack and make it sound like she was concerned about Jax well being, it quickly became clear to Jax that Gemma was ready to pull the plug on her daughter in law. On the mother of her grandbabies. On his wife.

It was the first time he'd ever thrown Gemma out of the house, but it certainly was a wakeup call as to where his mother stood. The attack on Tara hadn't changed her mind concerning this life in the least. Gemma still believed that he should remain at the head of the table and his boys should grow up to follow in his bloody footsteps one day. She didn't want Jax to get out and leave Charming, and ultimately he realized that it meant she didn't want Tara to wake up. Because the two went hand in hand.

Now here he was, dreading the day he'd have to tell his son that he'd be living with someone else for a while, and the pain he already envisioned on Abel's face twisted his stomach into knots.

XXX

Three months later

Jax pulled into the driveway at the Murphy residence and dismounted his Dyna. He took the four steps up to the front door in stride and rang the doorbell. He could hear the familiar voices inside and he couldn't keep the smile from his face when Abel opened the door for him.

"Daaaadddddyyyy!" Abel screeched with delight and threw himself in his father's outstretched arms.

Jax picked him up with ease, "How you doing little man?" and stepped inside.

Margaret greeted him without stopping to set the table for dinner, while her husband continued to bounce a delighted Thomas on his knee.

Abel began to tell his father about the day he had had in school, and Jax listened trying to keep up with the boy's story that in all reality didn't interest him all that much. He was simply glad that he'd made here in time to eat dinner with them and read them a few bedtime stories. 

However Jax interest was piqued when Abel mentioned his mother.

"We went to see mommy today." Abel said as he began to pull drawings from his backpack that he wanted to show to his father.

"Really?" Jax replied. "Did you talk to her?"

"I did." Abel nodded his head as he shoved several pieces of paper into his father's hands to admire. "I told her about my teachers and about my friends in school and when I gave her a kiss on her hand, she moved it."

"What?" Jax asked in surprise, and looked up from his seat on the ground to meet Margaret's eyes across the room. "She moved her hand?"

Margaret nodded with a smile on her face, but before she could say anything, Abel continued his story. 

"She did, daddy. She squeezed my hand." He said without skipping a beat, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "I think she's going to wake up."

Jax glanced up at Margaret once more and was met with the same hopeful expression that was displayed on his own face. "Yeah, I hope so too."

XXXXXXX

Several days later

Having your son's trust was a thing to be cherished. Gemma Teller-Morrow had found that out the hard way, since she'd lost it three months ago.

Deep down inside she knew she should've kept her mouth shut a bit longer about taking Tara of life-support, but she feared the younger woman's improvement would reveal the ugly truth and she simply couldn't let that happen.

For the past three months, Jax had graciously allowed her to see her grandbabies a few times, but he no longer let her near their unconscious mother.

Tara was still not even breathing on her own and remained on constant live-support, but with every test she showed more and more signs of improvement, and it scared Gemma enough to throw caution to the wind. She knew she had to act before Tara made a full recovery and since she'd helped Juice get out of town two months ago, she'd finally come up with a way that would seem plausible enough.

So she took one last big breath before the elevator doors opened and she rushed outside, down the hallway, around several corners towards Tara's room.

"Rat." Gemma got the young man's attention, "I just saw Juice, down the hall from here." She faked concern.

"What? Are you sure?" Came his confused reply as he reached for his cell phone.

"I'm not an idiot, of course I'm sure." She hissed back at him, "You're not gonna catch him with that phone. Aren't you gonna go after him?"

Rat boy hesitated for a split second, before he headed down the corridor that lead to the elevator.

"He was wearing a dark hoody, and I think he was armed. Hurry." Gemma yelled after him.

The moment Rat boy was out of sight, Gemma looked around to make sure the coast was clear before she quickly stepped inside Tara's hospital room.

She stood frozen by the foot of the bed for a short moment, before she snapped out of it and realized now was not the time to get cold feet. It was Tara's life or her own and she wasn't ready to leave her family behind just yet.

Gemma pulled on her gloves as she quickly stepped around the bed towards the monitors and machines that were keeping her daughter in law alive. She'd done her research online, she knew just what she had to do, but she had to do so quickly.

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I really am." And with a quick twist of her wrist, she disconnected the breathing tube from the machine and fled the room, as inconspicuous as she'd entered.

She rushed down the opposite hallway that Rat boy had taken off too, making sure to make a show and be seen, asking people if they've seen a man in a dark hoody, to further establish an alibi for herself. When she suddenly heard an alarm sound at the nurses' station, and nurses and doctors rushed in the direction of Tara's room.

She stood frozen in place yet again, the guilt came on stronger than she'd anticipated and suddenly she found herself unsure if she could really pull this off. Did she really just kill her son's wife?

Her high heels clicked away in the hallway when she rushed back towards Tara's room, just in time to see a nurse usher Rat Boy back into the hallway and their eyes met.

With the most concern stricken voice, she rushed towards the younger man, "What happened?"

"I don't know." He admitted, and looked to her for answers.

"Juice." She replied tragically and she managed to squeeze a tear from her eyes and covered her face with her hands as her chin began to quiver, "Juice got to her. He did this." She staggered backwards in an Oscar-worthy performance and Rat Boy rushed to her side to keep her steady on her feet. "That's why he disappeared the night she was attacked ... Oh my god, it was Juice all along." She sobbed into the younger man's shoulder, clinging to him for support.

"Jesus Christ ... we need to call Jax." Rat Boy replied and ran a soothing hand over the older woman's back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Sorry for the cliffhanger ... ;) Please review!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
> Author's Note: Thank you, thank you, thank you, for still sticking with my story after my long absence ... I hurried to get this chapter done. I'm not completely happy with it, but I hope you guys like it.

"Jeazous Chrrrissst, Jacky boy." Chibs yelled after Jax, who had barely averted getting hit by a car as he raced into the hospital parking lot at full speed. 

Jax stopped his Dyna with the squeak of his tires in front of the hospital doors and dismounted the bike in record speed, leaving the key in his ignition. 

He ran, yes, he ran into the door, pushing the automated doors open, when they wouldn't part for him fast enough, dodging people in his path left and right, and continued running for the nearest elevator. Impatiently he must've pushed the button at least twenty times and was just about to head for the stairs instead, when Chibs caught up with him just as the elevator doors parted with a ding. 

"Let's go." He ushered his president into the elevator.

The elevator ride only lasted mere seconds, but those seconds felt like hours to Jax and he could feel the weight of the world lying heavily on his shoulders. Crushing and grinding every fiber of his being into the ground.

"Juice tried to kill Tara."

Those where the words Rat Boy had uttered into the phone and right now it was still unclear if Juice had succeeded or simply hurt Tara's chance of a recovery.

"Tara, she's a fighter. One tough lass." Chibs tried to reassure him with a strong pat on the back, but Jax couldn't help but feel that same kind of helplessness he'd felt when he'd found her bloodied body on their kitchen floor. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to fall victim to one of his enemies and damn sure not one of his brothers. A husband was supposed to protect his wife, but he'd failed her once again.

Just then the elevator doors opened and Jax rushed through the long corridors, with Chibs right on his heels, until he came to a screeching halt in front of Tara's room.

Cops and hospital staff was gathered right outside her room. Without giving it another thought, Jax headed for her door, but was stopped dead in his tracks by two deputies who blocked his way.

An argument ensued that quickly escalated into a struggle, and Jax lost his cool, "THAT'S MY WIFE IN THERE." He yelled loud enough for the entire floor to hear, before he punched one of the deputies square in the jaw.

Chibs and Rat Boy grabbed a hold of him and tried to get their angry young leader under control before he'd get himself arrested, since one of the cops had proceeded to pull out a pair of handcuffs. 

"TARA'S AWAKE!" Rat Boy yelled out in an attempt to get Jax's attention.

Jax stopped his struggle against his brothers and the deputies and turned towards the younger prospect, his eyes temporarily filled with hope, "She woke up?"

The deputies seized the opportunity and grabbed a hold of Jax, ready to put those cuffs on quick. In that moment the door to Tara's room opened, and the newly appointed female Sheriff of Charming appeared.

"How is she?" Jax pleaded with Sheriff Jarry, who gave a nod to her deputies to release him. Neither of them pleased with her decision, but complied none the less.

"She's ... she's okay." Sheriff Jarry replied reluctantly but with a small smile on her face before her eyes wandered towards the taller Scotsman next to Jax.

"I need to see her." He said before he took a step towards Tara's door again, but Sheriff Jarry held up her hand signaling him to stop once more.

"She's being evaluated by her doctor right now, and even though we already questioned her about the night she was attacked, she still has to give an official statement."

Jax pleaded with the woman in front of him, a look of desperation in his eyes, "I just need to see for myself that she's alright. Please, I've been waiting for her to come out of this for over three months now."

"I get that, Mr. Teller, and I'm sorry." She tried to reassure him, "It shouldn't take too much longer, I'm sure the doctor will let you know as soon as she's ready to see you."

Jax sighed heavily and his frustration was visible on his face, but he knew that Jarry was right, and that Tara's health was more important than his need to see her. 

Chibs smiled broadly at Jax at the good news that Tara was awake and once again placed a reassuring hand on Jax's shoulder to guided the younger man away from the door. "Told ya'!" He added and met Jax's eyes which were filled with guilt once more.

Jax, Chibs and Rat Boy watched as the Sheriff huddled with her deputies and one of them took off down the hall. 

Jax knew of the relationship that had developed between his Sergeant-at-Arms and the female hand of the law and gave him a pointed look, which Chibs understood without any words being exchanged.

Chibs approached Althea and pulled her aside, and Jax watched them curiously from the other side of the hall. It became clear that in this instant, Jarry decided to uphold the law over any pull the Scotsman might have had on her, because moments later a disgruntled Chibs returned back to Jax's side without any information as to what Tara had already revealed to the Sheriff and her deputies.

After Rat Boy had quickly filled him in on what had happened, Jax looked around rather confused, "So where is she?"

"She was crying and all upset about Tara, and the fact that Juice could've done such a thing to her. And then she took off." Rat Boy explained Gemma's absence the best he could.

Chibs noticed the confused look on Jax's face before he added his own two cents, "You told her to stay away, she's just listenin' to ya'."

"If she'd listened to me, she wouldn't've been here in the first place." Jax added with a hint of resentment.

But only a mere second passed before his mind was focused elsewhere and he turned to Chibs once more, "Call the guys, have them spread the word that Juice is back in town and that we want him. Then call Unser and ask him to dig into his old colleagues, find out if they've got any leads on Juice yet."

Chibs listened to every word, before he turned down the hallway for some privacy before he began making the necessary phone calls.

XXXXXXXXX

Gemma threw her keys on her kitchen table when she practically ran into her house. Without missing a beat, she rushed to her bedroom and began packing a suitcase. Clothes, jewelry, photographs ... anything she could think off and of course all the cash that she'd started stashing away in her safe months ago, should this dreadful day ever come. 

In the midst of it all, she tried to keep the tears at bay, but they streamed mercilessly down her face and she wiped them away as quickly as they appeared. She knew now was not the time to start feeling sorry for herself.

But that's when she broke down, physically broke down. Slumped down onto her bed and cried out loud with both her hands covering her grief-stricken face. She was already grieving for the family she was leaving behind. For leaving her son, her grandsons and the only life that had ever had any meaning for her. Another sob escaped her when her thoughts wandered to Nero. Nero, that sweet, sweet man that had stood by her through all of this, but not knowing of the terrible things she had done.

She allowed herself that brief moment to wallow in her self-inflicted misery, before she stood up and straightened out her clothing and hair, wiped away the remaining tears, grabbed her purse and suitcase and headed for the door.

Gemma pushed the key into the ignition and started the car, but before she took off she dared a quick glance at her phone. Countless missed calls, and she could only imagine Jax desperately trying to make sense of it all, and it broke her heart all over again. She turned the phone off, put the car in gear, and began her way out of Charming. 

XXXXXXXXXX

With the help of a nurse, Tara took a sip of water. Her throat felt scratchy and raw from the breathing tube and her arms felt heavy and still somewhat uncoordinated. And even though her head throbbed in pain, her legs just tingled as she stretched and flexed them repeatedly.

Doctor's had talked to her, the police had talked to her, and Jax had made his presence known outside her hospital room, but all she wanted was to see her babies. She'd been reassured that they were on the way and they'd be here shortly.

She couldn't wait to wrap her arms around them to hold them close. Kiss their little foreheads and take in their sweet little faces.

Despite the euphoria she felt at the thought of being reunited with her sons, she still felt sick to her stomach thinking about everyone that was surely be accompanying her babies. 

Tara knew she should feel some gratitude towards Gemma for taking care of her boys while she'd been in this hospital recovering, but her hatred towards her mother in law ran too deep. But even Tara needed to admit, no matter how badly she wanted Gemma out of their life, she was still a better choice as a caregiver than the whores, junkies and porn stars that hung around the club these days.

Given the extent of her injuries and the fact that she'd been in a coma for over three months, Tara knew all too well that she wouldn't be released any time soon and that she'd require physical therapy too, which meant her children would remain in the care of their psychotic grandmother even longer. The more she thought about it, the more her head throbbed painfully and a tear streamed down her cheek. She hated being this helpless once again.

Tara closed her eyes and tried to relax back into the pillow that was propped up behind her. Why did all of this have to happen? She was so close to getting away with her boys. So close!

If she could only remember what had happened. If she only knew who'd done this to her!

Just then the Sheriff entered her room again and approached her bed, and despite the pain Tara opened her eyes, anticipating the Sheriff's next words. "He's still asking to see you."

Tara sighed audibly, the reluctance to see Jax was written all over her face.

"You know we can protect you, Dr. Knowles." Sheriff Jarry stepped closer and placed a reassuring hand atop of Tara's, "If you remember something, if you do remember who did this to you but you are afraid to tell us ... don't be."

With sad eyes Tara shook her head, "I already told you ... I wish I knew. The last thing I remember is leaving the motel room. Everything after that is ... it's just gone."

The Sheriff pulled a chair close and sat down next to Tara's bed, as if she was anticipating this conversation to last a while longer, "Then why don't you want to see him? You said he made a deal with the District Attorney to turn himself in and get the charges against you dropped. That sounds to me like the both of you were on good terms before this happened."

Tara nodded her head but immediately regretted moving it, "I'm just ... I'm just confused." A tear rolled down her cheek and Tara tried to lift her hand to wipe it away but simply couldn't, which in turn made her cry even more.

Sheriff Jarry grabbed a tissue and leaned forward. "Let me help you." She said as she wiped the tears from Tara's face.

"Thank you." Tara said embarrassed, willing herself to stop crying. "I guess ... I guess I'm just scared of what I don't remember."

Jarry furrowed her brows looking back at the younger woman questioningly, "You think there's a possibility Jax did this to you?"

Tara swallowed the lump in her throat. "You said that Juice has been missing since the night I was attacked, and that he was seen here today, making him your main suspect."

The Sheriff nodded her agreement.

Another tear rolled down Tara's cheek before she blatantly stated, "Juice follows my husband's orders. He's always been loyal to Jax."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: She's alive!!!!! What do you guys think? Thank you for reading. Please review! Your reviews keep me motivated!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> XXXXXXXXXXX
> 
> Author's Note: I apologize for taking way too long to update. I have plenty of reasons why I didn't/couldn't, but either way I'm sorry I made you guys wait so long. Just so you know, I am determined to finish this story. I know exactly where I want this story to go and how I want it to end, it's just a matter of getting my ideas down on paper (or screen) that has proven to be a creative challenge. So here it is. FINALLY!!! The next chapter. I hope I didn't lose too many of my fans of this story with my long absence. 
> 
> XXXXXXXXXXX

Tara could hear the muffled voices of her doctor, the new female sheriff and Jax right outside her door.   
She felt weak and honestly sick to her stomach, but then again that was to be expected of someone who'd been through what she'd been through. And as a doctor she knew this all too well.   
Yet here she was, wondering if she was feeling this way because she knew that he was right outside her door and she'd be face to face with him in a couple of minutes. 

Her face grimaced with the onslaught of pain that mere thought revoked in her. Not physical pain, after all they had given her something for that, but this pain she felt was emotional and more powerful than any physical pain she could possibly imagine. Tears started to fall again.  
She'd felt this pain before - once! Sadly she could still remember all too well how she felt, when Jax and the guys had found her in the park with her boys and she'd thought that they were going to kill her.

Tara shook her head before she hid her tear streaked face in both her hands. She was so confused. So incredibly confused.   
Confused about what she knew in her heart to be true, or maybe it was what she wanted to be true, and what seemed like the logical truth. She wanted nothing more than those last moments in Jax's arms in the motel to be true. That the love they'd made and the love she'd felt and seen in his eyes to be true. After all it was one of the last things she could remember, and what a beautiful memory it was, but her battered mind would not give her any rest about what had happened after Jax and her had parted ways that afternoon.  
The logical truth that her damaged brain had somehow concocted was telling her that it was all just a ruse. Jax had played her, had preyed on her, used her only weakness - her love for him and her children - to get what he wanted. Pretending to cut a deal to let her walk free, pretending she'd be free of the club, free of charming, and worst of all pretending to care about their boys, just to turn it all around in the end and have a club member attack her in their own kitchen.

A loud sob escaped her throat when she saw that scenario play out in her head once again, and the pang she felt in her heart was nearly unbearable.  
It was heart versus mind, her emotions the battlefield, blown to bits and pieces.

A knock on the door startled her out of her misery, and she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to straighten herself out, bracing herself for the worst when she watched as the door slowly opened and none other than Jax silently, almost hesitantly, walked inside.

Their eyes met and a heavy silence filled the room, but neither said a thing.   
Jax stared at her in awe, his eyes never leaving hers, while he closed the door behind him.  
He had wished for this every day over the last three months. Every day he had walked into this room and had wished for nothing more than to find her beautiful eyes staring back into his. 

"Hi." Tara managed to get passed her lips, equally mesmerized and terrified by his presents as tears began to pool in here red rimmed eyes.

Jax swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat at the sound of her fragile voice, before he managed to reply with a simply "Hi" himself. He quickly had to look away then and raised his own hand to wipe the tears from his eyes that had appeared out of nowhere. His body slumped back against the closed door behind him in relief and for a split second he felt lightheaded and thought his legs were going to give out on him.   
Tara was alive and awake and this nightmare was finally over. He felt like the weight of the world was finally off of his shoulders. 

A sigh of relief escaped his lips as he finally found the strength to look back at her, before he stepped towards her with a smile that expressed all the joy and love he felt in this moment. 

Tara didn't know if it was simply the all too familiar pull she'd always felt towards him, or if maybe it was the look of pure relief in his eyes as he approached her, but whatever the reason she decided - at least for the moment - to let her heart drown out the doubt in her head and dared to believe in his love for her.

He sat down on the edge of her bed, hesitating for a split second whether to touch her or not, but the need to touch her was too strong and he raised his hands up to her face.

Both their eyes were filled with tears, Tara pretended not to notice the slight tremor in his hands when they made contact with her skin, but instead she closed her eyes and with a sigh gave into the warmth of his palms that framed her face.

"Don't!" Jax demanded with a tear strained voice.

Tara opened her eyes and looked somewhat puzzled back at his face, and for the first time since he'd walked into the room she noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the deep lines that seemed etched into his sweet face.   
What happened to you, Jackson?

He gently brushed her hair back from her cheeks and explained, "Don't close your eyes, Tara." He shook his head slightly at her. "I've been wishing for three god damn months to walk in here and find you awake ... alive ... so please don't close your eyes, babe."

At a loss for words, she simply nodded her head and gave him the smallest of smiles which he returned with a smirk of his own and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

"Abel and Thomas ...?" Tara whispered but before she could finish her sentence Jax spoke up. "They're good."  
His hands dropped from her face and he reached for both her hands instead as he tried to make sense of it all, tried to figure out where and how to start. "They're on their way here." He nodded firmly as he added what he knew she'd want to hear, "They've been safe. I've kept them away from the club."

The tears of relief that once more filled Tara's eyes broke his heart. No doubt did he love his boys, but the love he felt for his sons couldn't measure up to the love their mother had for them. Abel and Thomas were her world now, they were her number one priority and Jax knew he'd be lucky if he'd still made the list at all, let alone come in second.

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door and both Jax and Tara turned their heads just in time to see Margaret slip into the room with Thomas in her arms and Abel by her side. But before the older woman could even so much as utter a greeting, Abel's excited squeal of "Mommy" echoed off of the small hospital room as he ran towards Tara's bed and brought an instant smile to everyone's face.

Tara smiled the biggest smile Jax had ever seen on her and he quickly stood to give Abel room to get to his mother. Jax reached for Abel and lifted him onto the bed beside Tara. "Careful, buddy." He reminded his son as he watched him swing his arms around Tara's neck.

Tara clung to him and relished in the embrace. "I'm so glad you woke up, Mommy."

Tara's eyes looked up at Jax, who was now holding Thomas and walking over towards her, "Me too, baby, me too."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Almost four months later

It's a unusually chilly morning in Charming and yet Jax finds himself glued to the spot in front of Opie's grave. He silently studies the headstone of his friend, like he's done a million times before.  
He doesn't speak out loud, but he's got some things he wants to get off his chest.  
His mind goes back to their last conversation in county.  
I miss your old man.  
Yeah, me, too.  
Tara found some letters. Maureen Ashby stuffed them in my gear. They were love letters between her and my dad. They made it pretty clear that JT wanted to get us out of guns, and Clay didn't want it. JT predicted that Clay was gonna kill him - specifically that he would sabotage his bike. And he was right.  
Yeah, that's ... that's insane.  
Tara told Piney, Ope. She was digging into him for truth. It was when we were inside. When the cartel shit went down, Piney, he must've threatened Clay with the letters.  
So, that's ... that's why Clay killed my old man?  
Yeah.  
Why didn't you let me kill him? WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME KILL HIM?  
There's a RICO case pending against the club. Otto gave up Bobby.  
How do you know?  
Romeo is doing double time. He's cartel and CIA. He put a pin in RICO so we could keep the big guns and drugs flowing. That pin gets pulled, we all go down.  
And Clay doesn't know.  
Just me and Bobby. Clay is the only one that Galan will sell big guns to. Romeo needs him alive.  
That's it, Ope. That's all the truth. I had to make a choice, brother. Kill Clay or save the club.  
You made the wrong choice!

Just moments before he died, Opie had accused Jax of making the wrong choice by choosing the club and now Jax was here to tell him that he'd finally heard him.   
I get it now, Ope. It took me a long time to get here, brother, but I'm here. I'm done choosing the club. I'm done saving the club. It's time to save myself.

Jax pulled his SAMCRO rings off of his fingers and placed them atop Opie's headstone, before touching the stone one last time as if he was patting his old friend on the shoulder, "I'll see you later, Ope."  
The gravel crunches under his shoes as he walks over to his old pick-up truck and climbs inside.

He plays with his only remaining ring for a second, adjusting it on his finger before he starts the engine and let's it roar once before putting the truck in gear and finally leaves Ope, the club and Charming behind him.

XXXXX

His lips are pressed on hers, exploring her mouth with his tongue and she'd be lying if it didn't stir up feelings in her that she'd long thought forgotten. The last four months had been all about her own recovery and rebuilding the bond between her and her sons. A relationship ... or even just sex had been the last thing on Tara's mind.  
But as his hands greedily roam over her body, searching for the zipper in the back of her black skirt, the need for sexual release is suddenly overshadowed by doubt. "Wait ... wait." She mutters against his lips as she gently tries to push him off of her.

He stops in an instant and looks down at her, his usually smooth forehead crunched up in concern, "It's okay if you changed your mind."   
She can feel his obvious erection pressing into her thigh and yet admires him for not even attempting to talk her into something she's clearly not ready for just yet, "We don't have to do this, Tara."  
Tara!  
She can't help but cringe inwardly at the way he pronounces her name and for a moment she wonders if that is the reason she hasn't had sex with him yet. Did the way he says her name remind her too much of Kohn? Or maybe it was the fact that every time she closed her eyes and they kissed, Jax's face appeared instead.

John pushes himself off of Tara and rolls onto his back.  
Tara cuddles into his side, her head partially on his shoulder, partially on her pillow as she begins to button up her dark blue blouse. "I'm sorry." She apologizes.

He wraps an arm around her and pulls her closer to him, "Don't be sorry. You said you weren't ready and I pushed. You've got nothing to be sorry for."  
Tara closes her eyes and sighs. Why did he have to be so nice ... so, so fucking perfect.   
So nothing like ... him!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XXXXXXXXXXX  
> There's an obvious time jump of four months in here. And while I'm trying not to give away too much, I guess I should explain that Tara left town with her boys shortly after she got released from the hospital. Please leave a review if you like it or even if you didn't. I'm curious what you guys thought.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
> 
> Author's Note: Oh wow, the amount of reviews and PMs I've gotten about the last chapter were crazy. Lots of confusion about the missing four months (sorry about that), but also lots of people interested to see where this will go and what has actually happened to our favorite couple. Because of everyone wanting to know, I've decided to change this chapter up from what I had initially planned to write. My plan had been to continue on with the story four months into the future and use the characters (through their thoughts and interaction) to explain what had happened. Instead of that I hurried to finish this new chapter, making 95% a flashback that will hopefully answer a few of your questions. Just fyi, the flashback is in Italic and starts at the time when Tara woke up until approximately three weeks later.  
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jax merged onto I-5 North and once his truck had reached the speed limit, he set the cruise control and sighed when he was finally able to relax in his seat. If traffic remained steady as it was now, he'd be parked outside Tara's place in five hours. 

That thought alone brought a big smile to his unshaven face, despite the fact that he wasn't exactly sure where they stood. But regardless of their relationship status, he never doubted for a second that Tara would be anything but thrilled to know that he'd finally broke loose from the club and would be a permanent part in Thomas' and Abel's life.

 

He would've thought that his emotions would be all over the place today. That somehow the sadness of leaving Charming, Gemma, the club and with it his father's legacy would somehow overshadow the joy he felt over the possible future he could now truly envision with Tara. But no, it wasn't ... it wasn't like that at all. He could honestly say that he had no regrets about leaving it all behind him. 

Yet sitting all alone in his truck, he was left to his thoughts and it didn't matter how hard he tried not to, he simply couldn't help but think about everything that had happened since Tara woke up from her coma. And not for the first time, he wondered if the decisions he'd made had been the right ones.

XX

(Flashback -Four months earlier)

Gemma pulled her car into the rest stop and parked in front of the small diner. She checked her face in the rear view mirror, before she grabbed her purse and headed inside.

She had been on the road for a solid four hours, and simply needed a bathroom break, a hot cup of coffee, a bite to eat and noisy-rest-stop-chatter that would hopefully drown out the voices in her head, even if just for a few precious moments.

She seated herself in a booth, deliberately choosing the one that would give her a view of both points of entrance to the diner. Just so she could keep a lookout for Sons and Cops. 

She had switched the license plates on her car as soon as the possibility had presented itself shortly after leaving Charming. It all had played out like some soap-opera cliché, with Tara waking up the way she did. Surely Tara had confided in Jax by now about what Gemma had done ... who knew, she might've even told the cops.

"Can I get you a coffee or something while you're looking over the menu, Sweetheart?" The younger brunette waitress startled Gemma out of her thoughts.

"Um ... yeah, sure, a coffee." Gemma replied as she gave the woman a once over.

"You got it." She was just about to walk away, but then turned back towards Gemma once more and added, "I almost forgot to mention, our dinner special is meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans."

"Thanks." Gemma nodded. 

Gemma dug her cell phone out of her purse and stared at it for a long moment, wondering how many times Jax or the club had tried to call her. It had continued to ring so many times as she was leaving Charming, that she'd turned it off all together. But now as she looked at it, curiosity got the better of her and she decided to turn it back on.

"Jesus Christ" She mumbled to herself when she realize she had over fifteen missed calls and a handful of texts. Not all from Jax, but Chibs and Rat as well. 

And then there was a text from Nero. Short and sweet. "call me, mama" was all it said.

Two months ago Nero had sold his half of the escort business to Marcus Alvarez, further strengthening the business relations between the Sons and the Mayans. He finally went through with his long time dream and bought his uncles farm in Norco for his son Lucius. With the rift between Gemma and Jax he had hoped to finally convince Gemma to leave with him. But she just couldn't. 

They had talked on the phone a handful of times since then, but most of their conversations had been fruitless, because Gemma simply held onto the hope that Jax would come around real soon, realize the error of his ways and reunite her with her beloved grandchildren for good.

Gemma wondered for a moment if Nero already knew the ugly truth. Surely Nero was one of the first people Jax had reached out to in an effort to find her.

She didn't know what made her dial his number. Maybe it was the masochist in her or maybe she just wanted to hear his sweet, sweet voice one more time before she needed to disappear, by her own choice or at the hands of the clubs.

 

He picked up on the second ring, "You're a wanted woman today, mama." He answered almost cheerfully ... too cheerfully to know the whole truth she quickly realized and it peeked her interest.

"Yeah, well, women love to be wanted." She replied teasingly as she nodded a thank you to the waitress who'd placed a steaming cup of coffee in front of her.

"Where are you? Jax called me. I heard the good news, Tara is awake. With everything going on I figured you'd be right there with your familia."

Gemma swallowed, and the thought that Jax had called Nero under false pretenses quickly crossed her mind. "I'm sure I'd be the last person Jax or Tara would want at their welcome-back-from-the-dead-party."

Nero remained silent for a moment. "I take it things haven't gotten any better between you and your son."

Gemma sighed and steered her coffee, "No, not really."

"Look, Gem, I'm not sure what's going on with you and Jax, but if Juice truly is the person that attacked his wife ... that's some heinous betrayal by a brother. And whether he sees it right now or not, he needs you. He'll need people on his side that he can trust."

Gemma felt like Nero had just twisted a knife in an already infected wound, but she'd be damned if she'd let it show. "So he told you about Juice?"

"Yeah, he did. And with Tara not remembering what had happened, that's all he's got to go on right now."

Gemma's eyes widened in surprise at that, "What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean she doesn't remember?"

"You didn't know?" Nero couldn't believe he was the one to break the news to her. "She's got some sort of ... amnesia."

"Oh my god." Gemma exclaimed, suddenly wondering if this meant things could still turn around for her. "I-I didn't know. Jax and I haven't been talking much and ... I gotta go." She began to dig into her purse to retrieve a couple of dollars for her coffee and threw them on the table.

"Call him, Gem, he wants to know what you saw in the hospital."

"I will. Thank you, Nero."

"Don't be a stranger."

Gemma gathered her things and got out of the booth, just as the waitress reappeared to take her order. "Sorry, Sweetheart, but I've got to go." And she quickly slipped out the door.

Back in her car she took a deep breath and dialed Jax's number, who answered on the second ring.

 

X

Two weeks later

Jax pulled his truck into the driveway, shut off the engine and looked over at Tara whose eyes where fixated on the home they'd previously shared together. But when he saw the fearful expression on Tara's face his own face grimaced with concern for her. They sat in silence for a few minutes, before he said the only thing he could say, "We could sell it, look for a new place." He'd love nothing more than a fresh start with her.

She scoffed and glanced over at him, "Half-sack and Eli died in there ... I almost died in there. Who in their right mind would want to buy this place, when they can get one for the same price over in Charming Heights?" Her words came out sounding much harsher than she had intended them to be and she felt the need to apologize instantaneously. "I'm sorry, Jax." She shook her head. "I just ... So much has happened. I just feel like I don't belong here anymore. I'm not sure I belong anywhere."

"You belong with our sons." Jax replied without skipping a beat and reached for her hand and brought it up to his lips. "You belong with me! And it doesn't matter if it's in this house or another."

Tara smiled touched by his words but not convinced, "Now that I'm better and out of the hospital it's just a matter of time before Patterson sets a new court date."

"And we'll deal with that when that day comes, babe. I'm not backing out. I'll honor the deal I made with her and you'll be free and clear to raise our boys." Jax replied with conviction in his voice.

"And I'm so grateful to you for doing that for me. For everything you've done for me." She replied honestly. 

Ally and Margaret had filled her in on everything Jax had done while she'd been lying in that hospital bed. She knew that Jax had moved the boys in with Margaret, had only allowed Gemma a handful of visits with the kids, kept them far away from club business, yet he'd made sure that he saw them several times a week to spend time with them. 

He'd paid her bills for her, continued to make payments on her student loans, and since she was no longer covered after St. Thomas had released her from her contract Jax had made sure her health insurance was current so they would continue to give her the best care possible. He'd even paid off the rest of her lawyer bills, Ally's and Mitch's. Her divorce lawyers. The irony in that was not lost on her.

Jax pulled the key from the ignition and looked at her, "Ready to do this?" 

Tara took a deep breath, "Yes." And they both got out of the vehicle.

Jax unlocked the front door and pushed it open, stepping aside so that Tara could walk in. Tentatively she took two steps into the kitchen and Jax closed the front door behind them.

Neither of them said a word for a long moment, until Tara stepped further into the kitchen and leaned back against the kitchen counter. 

Jax stepped up beside her and searched her face wondering if she remembered anything about that day. "Anything?" He questioned her out loud.

She folded her arms in front of herself and shook her head no, "I'm sorry, Jax. I-I ... I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that I don't remember it." 

An image of the bloody scene momentarily flashed before Jax's eyes and he couldn't help but wonder the same thing. He'd give anything to not remember seeing her like that.

In an attempt to lighten the mood Jax gestured to the pile of dirty dishes in the sink and on the kitchen counter, along with the piles of laundry in several baskets near the laundry room. "Sorry about the mess. Turns out I suck even more at housekeeping than you do."

Tara couldn't help but smile at that remark and playfully elbowed him in the side, "Yeah, I think even at my worst it never looked this bad."

Jax glanced at the clock on the microwave, "Well, we better get to it, if we want to make it to dinner with the boys on time."

She agreed and followed Jax back into the bedroom, where he had put the bags she'd packed for them all those months ago.

"The boy's stuff is already over at Margaret's place." He explained, "So this is mostly your stuff, babe."

"Okay." She nodded and reached for the first couple of bags and Jax did the same, helping her load them up in the back of his truck.

Jax stowed the bags away and Tara waited while he closed the tailgate of the pick-up, and they both climbed into the cab of the truck at the same time.  
He was about to start the truck when Tara reached for his arm, trying to get his full attention. "You understand why I'm doing this? Why I've decided to stay over at Margaret's place now that I'm out of the hospital, right?"

Jax turned towards her in his seat and nodded, "Yeah. I get it. You don't want to rip the kids out of the place they've called home for the last three months." He cleared his throat, "I'm not gonna lie and tell you that I don't want you to come home, but I get it, babe."

She turned her head away and looked out her window, taking in their small front yard before she let out the breath she was holding and looked back at Jax. "I don't even know what that would look like anymore ... me coming home." Her chin quivered as she spoke and tears welled back up in her eyes. "The damage we've done to one another ... I'm not really sure we can come back from that, Jax."

"I love you, Tara." He replied without a doubt in his voice and leaned towards her so he could frame her face with his hands and she let him, his eyes never leaving hers, "And you love me. There's nothing we can't come back from."

Jax leaned in further and kissed her, their first kiss since she awoke from her coma two weeks ago, first soft and tenderly but when he realized that she wasn't pulling away from him the kiss quickly became more passionate and desperate. When the kiss let up, they sat in silence, forehead to forehead. Jax desperately wanted to believe that this was a new beginning for them, but he simply couldn't shake the sinking feeling that it was the end instead.

X

One week later

Jax pulled up to Margaret Murphy's house just in time to see Tara walk outside. With a surprised look on her face she stepped up to Jax's driver side window, "Something wrong with your bike?"

He shook his head no, "Figured you'd be more comfortable in the truck than on the back of the bike."

Tara raised her eyebrows and smiled an awkward smile, "You're here to pick me up?" She pointed back at her Ford in Margaret's driveway, "You didn't have to. I can -."

"We're going to the same place." Jax cut her off mid sentence and when Tara hesitated as if she still had to think about it, he added, "Come on, babe, just get in. I don't bite." and winked at her.

"Fine." She shrugged her shoulders clearly defeated and made a show of putting her car keys back into her purse as she quickly walked around the front of his truck and climbed into the passenger seat beside him.

"Sometimes you do." She said sheepishly, while putting her seatbelt on.

Jax glanced over at her with a quizzical look, "Huh?"

"Bite. Sometimes you bite." She teased.

He grinned back at her, "If I remember correctly, you didn't mind."

She immediately regretted her words when she felt the heat rising to her cheeks, but still couldn't hold back the laugh that escaped her throat, and neither could Jax. 

As Jax pulled onto the main road to Stockton an awkward silence filled the cab of his truck. Tara watched him out of the corner of her eye as he seemed to focus all his attention to the road ahead. 

"How's your head? Any more headaches?" Jax's question brought her out of her thoughts.

"It's better ... a lot better actually." She answered.

"Good." Jax replied and glanced over at her with concern etched in his voice, "That's good, right?"

Tara nodded, "Yeah, it is."

Another five minutes passed before Tara decided to speak up, "Do you really think she'll accept the same deal you offered her months ago?"

Jax glanced at her for a long moment, before turning his attention back to the road. "I can't think of a reason why she wouldn't."  
"The club is up to speed on everything." He sighed audibly before he added, "If everything goes as planned, I'll be out in seven ... ten years max, babe." He shot her another look and saw the concern in her eyes. "I'm protected inside. We're on good terms with brown, black and yellow. But if today is the day, I still hope I'll get a couple more hours to spend with the boys ... and you." He gave her another glance.

She smiled almost shyly, "I hope so, too."

Tara thought about what he'd said and took in a ragged breath. "All of this still scares me." She confessed and for the first time since he'd caught up with her in front of Margaret's house he realized how nervous she seemed about their meeting with Patterson today. "What if she's done making deals? What if she'll just send me to have my day in court?" Tara wiped at the tears that fell suddenly from her eyes, "I already lost three months ... I can't lose my babies again."

Jax reached for her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, which in turn made Tara turn her head away, trying to hide the tears that mercilessly kept on coming.  
"Hey ... hey!" Jax said with a demanding tone in his voice and looked back and forth between the road and Tara, who finally dared to look up at him through red rimmed eyes. He squeezed her hand once more, "I won't let that happen! Trust me, babe, it will all work out."

"I hope you're right." Tara replied and squeezed his hand in return.

They drove the rest of the way in silence.

X

District Attorney Tyne Patterson was seated stoically behind her desk when Jax and Tara were brought into her office. 

"Dr. Knowles. Mr. Teller." She said in greeting and gestured towards the chairs across from her for them to take a seat.

"I have to say I'm glad to see you awake and no longer confined to a hospital bed, Dr. Knowles."

"I appreciate that." Tara smiled politely.

"I hope you're doing well with your recovery?"

Tara nodded, "As well as can be expected, I suppose."

"Good, good." Tyne nodded her head. "Well, let's get to it then. You both are probably wondering why I've set up this meeting with the two of you today?"

"I think we have a pretty good idea." Jax answered and dared a glance at Tara before turning his attention back to the D.A.

"Hmm." Tyne nodded yet again before she folded her hands on her desk and paused for a long moment as if she was lost in thought.   
"This job ..." she started "... this line of business can truly take its toll on a person. The gangs, the guns, the drugs, the violence, the blood ... not just men. I've seen my fair share of unspeakable violence against women and children too. This job can take its toll on a soul.   
And it doesn't matter how much I tell myself that I'm fighting the good fight by upholding the law, there are still times that ... too many times that justice just doesn't seem served. It doesn't get served because the innocent are used as pawns. And that's usually were our experiences are similar, no matter which side of the law you'll find yourself on." 

She focused her attention on Tara. "We use the innocent as pawns, all the while telling ourselves that it's in the name of the greater good. A sacrifice that had to be made ... in my case for the people, the county, the state, the country ..."   
She looked up at Jax, "Or in your case for the good of the club, the charter, the alliances that are necessary to survive this dog eat dog world." 

Jax dared a glance at Tara, who sat frozen in place, before he turned his attention back to the D.A.. "You can rest assured that today no innocent will have to carry the burden to ensure my club's wellbeing. I'm here today to honor the agreement we've made over three months ago at the Barnes Motel, in exchange for Tara's freedom. Nothing's changed."

"Actually, Mr. Teller, some things did change." Tyne Patterson replied and sighed as she reached for a manila folder on her desk and opened it, looking through a stack of papers until she found the one she was looking for. "This is my revised statement concerning the Pamela Toric murder investigation. In it you'll find my recommendation as to whether or not you, Dr. Knowles, should be prosecuted for your involvement that ultimately led to her death.   
It states that after a thorough investigation I've come to the conclusion that you did not provide Mr. Delany with the murder weapon out of free will. Furthermore it explains that after talking with you on numerous occasions it became undoubtedly clear to me that you, Dr. Knowles, with your devout catholic upbringing brought the crucifix with you for personal use, and personal use only. Mr. Delany overpowered you, viciously attacked and murdered Pamela Toric right in front of you and surely would have made you his next victim had the staff not acted as quickly as they did."

"It's all here, signed and processed as of this morning." Tyne held the papers out to Tara so she could see for herself.

Tara looked at Jax, confusion written all over her face before she reached for the papers and looked over them. It was all true. All charges against her had been dropped.  
"I ... I don't understand." She stuttered as Jax took the papers from her to look over them himself. Both looked utterly confused.

"Over three months ago Galen O'Shay, was found to be the gun source for the KG9s."   
She stood and gestured to the door, "You are free to go." She clarified. Looking from Tara to Jax, "Both of you."

"Just like that?" Jax questioned her as he stood up himself. He was just about to say more, when Tara intervened. 

"Jax. Please, let's just go." Tara said and reached for his arm.

Jax looked at her and saw the desperation in her eyes, but he knew there had to be more to this. 

"I have to say I am surprised that you're questioning my intentions." Tyne replied with a small amused smile on her face. "After all, an opportunity like this does not often come around."

"If something looks too good to be true, it usually is." Jax countered and he couldn't help himself but immediately let his mind wonder what the D.A. could possibly have on SAMCRO that his willingness to turn himself in was no longer a consideration.

Tyne Patterson cleared her throat and leaned against her desk, "Let's just say you surprised me, Mr. Teller. And there aren't many people that still have the ability to do just that. I've seen a lot ... I've seen too much."   
She took in a deep breath and sighed, "A gang war was brewing, here and in Oakland. And after the attack on your wife I predicted the sons of anarchy would lead the charge. But that didn't happen and from what I hear you are to thank for that. I have three months left in this office. Three months before I move on to bigger and better things.   
So this is me extending an olive branch, Mr. Teller. Reuniting a husband and wife, a mother and her children without the constant loom of impending prosecution. An olive branch to a man who did the right thing for his family. And in hopes that the next three months will be as uneventful as the past four months have been. "

X  
Jax and Tara climbed back into the cab of his truck, still stunned of what had just happened.

"I can't believe it." Tara spoke up with glee in her voice and smiled broadly at Jax, who didn't look thrilled at all. "Why aren't you happy, Jax? How often, if ... if ever, would someone give you a chance like that?"

"Never." He answered without even having to think about it. He took a long drag from the cigarette he'd just lit, "It doesn't add up. There's got to be a catch. After everything that has happened, she simply doesn't strike me as a person that would let someone like me walk ... out of the goodness of her heart. I don't buy it. She's got to have something on the MC, something big that would make her bold enough to just let me walk out of there." Jax replied concerned, already wondering how he would be able to explain to the club what had just happened.

Tara didn't have a responds to his obvious concern, but the smile from just a few moments ago had disappeared from her face.

Jax started the truck and lost in his own thoughts began the drive back to Margaret's place.

A couple silent minutes into the ride, Tara simply couldn't bite her tongue any longer and decided to speak her mind. "This is everything we've been hoping for, Jax. The charges against me are dropped, no charges against you were filed. We're both in the clear now. Ever since I woke up you've been telling me that you were earning legit now. That you finally got the club out of guns."

She reached for his arm to get his full attention for a second, "Don't you get it, Jax. We can leave now ... together. We can take our boys and get the hell out of here."

"It's not that simple." Jax countered.

"It is that simple!" Tara shook her head in disgust, "Pull over." She screamed, "PULL OVER, JAX!" and reached for the steering wheel and Jax stomped on the breaks and quickly pulled the car off of the road.

"What the hell, Tara." Jax raised his voice.

"What the hell?" She mockingly repeated his outburst. With her eyes glued to his she demanded an explanation, "I want to raise the boys away from here, and I thought you wanted that too."

He flicked his cigarette out of the window and rubbed both his hands over his weary face. "The person who did this to you is still out there, Juice is still out there."

She scoffed, "That's what this is about? The D.A. lets us go ... lets you go because you prevented a gang war. You didn't go and kill people on some revenge spree, yet somehow in your twisted mind you see that as a failure. You see her pardon as an insult."

"I DID FAIL." He yelled at her. His face once more contorted with self-hatred, "I failed you."

Seeing the agony in his eyes, Tara reached for his hand. She shook her head, "You didn't, Jax. You protected our sons, ... that's the most important thing you could've done and you did it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
> Please leave a review if you liked it. I'm curious to hear what you all think. Thanks for reading my story!  
> P.S. We will find out more about John in the next chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
> Author's Note: Thank you all for the lovely reviews. I'm embarrassed by my long absence and even though I have plenty of reasons why it has taken me so long to upload this chapter, I'm sorry. I'm not giving up on this story and I will see it through to the end, but my life/schedule is hectic these days and on the days that I find myself with time to write the words simply won't flow. Anyway, I know this chapter isn't very long, but hopefully some of you are still interested and give it a read. Thank you.  
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jax pulled his truck into the only empty parking spot across the street from the apartment building. It had taken him much longer than he'd anticipated to get here. There had been an accident on the highway earlier, which caused a traffic jam that stretched on for several miles and hours. It wouldn't have been that big of a deal had he been on the back of his Harley, but in his truck he was stuck in the middle of it all, just like every other sucker around him.

Because of that the drive had been long and exhausting, but as he climbed out of his truck he suddenly felt a surge of energy at the mere thought of being reunited with Tara and his sons. 

He dropped his cigarette and grinded it into the ground while his eyes scanned the row of parked cars and sighed in relief when he noticed Tara's Ford among them. Even though the building looked nothing like he'd pictured in his mind, there was no doubt any more that he had had the right address.

Jax waited for a car to pass before he crossed the street, his feet picking up speed with every step. When he reached the front door he tried to push it open, but wasn't really surprised when the door wouldn't budge. His eyes scanned the illuminated names next to their individual doorbells and he quickly found hers. 

Knowles. 

He knew he really had no right to be upset, but he simply couldn't help it. He'd envisioned - or more he'd hoped - that her name plate would read Teller, and seeing that she'd gone back to her maiden name stung more than he'd like to admit. But then again he couldn't really blame her. Could he?

His finger hovered over the button right next to her name and he suddenly froze and let his hand drop back down to his side. He had envisioned this moment over and over and over on the long drive here, but now that the moment had finally come he wondered how it would all play out after everything that had happened between them.

She had taken their boys and finally broke free of Charming, yet he had once more broken her heart when he decided to not leave alongside with them. He knew she didn't understand why he did what he did, but despite his decision to stay, they had parted ways on good terms. 

He'd called her almost daily after she'd left. And in the beginning he tried to explain everything that was happening with the club and why he had to stay behind a bit longer, but eventually she simply told him to stop. She'd told him that she simply wouldn't, she just couldn't be part of it anymore. The club, the life, and his broken promises. 

So he did what she'd begged him to do. He still called her whenever he could, but all their conversations revolved around the kids and their new life in Oregon. No more talk of Charming, Gemma or the club.

Jax laughed inwardly at the irony of it all, he was the former president of SAMCRO for Christ sake and yet here he was now, standing outside her apartment building, scared to ring her doorbell like the sorry excuse of a man he'd turned out to be.

He had to do better for her.   
That last thought strengthen his resolve and without another second to spare he impatiently pushed the button several times and unconsciously bit his lower lip as he waited.

"Yes?" Came her tentative voice over the intercom system Jax hadn't even realized was there. 

"Tara?" Jax replied in a questioning tone, even though he'd recognize her voice anywhere.

"Jax?" Tara answered clearly surprised.

His eyes lit up at the sound of his name from her lips and the worried expression on his face was replaced by a joyous smile as he replied. "Yup, it's me, babe."

"H-How?" She stuttered, followed by a "Hold on." before the door buzzed loudly and allowed Jax to finally step inside. 

He took two steps at a time up the staircase, turned the corner and stopped short when he saw a door open at the end of the hallway. A beat or two passed before the door opened all the way and a delighted Abel ran down the long corridor, yelling 'Dadddddyyy' as Jax scooped the boy up in his arms.

Jax wrapped his arms around his oldest son, closing his eyes to truly relish in the feeling of his tiny arms wrapped around his neck in return. 

"I missed you so much, Abel." Jax mumbled into the boys ear before he opened his eyes and found Tara standing awkwardly in her doorway watching the scene play out in front of her.

"Hey." He said, trying to sound casual even though his heart was beating out of his chest as he stepped closer towards her with Abel still in his arms.

"Hey." She replied with a shy smile on her face that didn't match the nervousness he saw in her eyes.

A door creaked open somewhere, catching both their attention before Tara stepped back and held the door open for Jax to step inside.

Jax quickly glanced around and took in the small living room when he heard the door click closed behind him. Once again her place didn't look anything like he'd imagined, nothing like he'd hoped. He'd wanted so much better for her, for his sons. 

Jax turned towards her with Abel still in his arms and was just about to say something, when Abel asked the question that lingered on Tara's lips. "What are you doing here?"

Out of the mouth of babes!

Jax glanced awkwardly from Tara to Abel, while he tried to find the right words that wouldn't lead to a hundred more by his inquisitive son. "I missed you guys, so I came to see you, and Thomas ..." his eyes connected with Tara's, "... and your mom."

After months of conversations with Abel through the phone and over Skype, Jax knew Abel wouldn't be satisfied with that answer alone, but before he could think of another thing to add, Abel had already voiced his next question out loud, "How long are you staying?"

Another awkward glance shared between a husband and wife, and he could feel Tara's eyes on him as he looked back at Abel before he replied. "How about forever, little man."

"Forever, Daddy?" Abel screeched and his eyes shone with excitement at the news, but when Jax dared a glance at Tara he noticed she didn't seem thrilled at all.

Despite Tara's disapproving look, Jax answered his son with the same excitement in his voice, "Yeah, buddy, forever." 

Tara was just about to say something when a cry echoed through the small apartment and Tara quickly stepped around him and Abel and headed for one of the back bedrooms. 

Jax could hear Tara talking to Thomas, trying to soothe him as she walked out into the living room.

Jax's eyes lit up once more when Thomas stopped his sleepy tantrum the instant his little eyes landed on the over six feet tall figure in front of him. 

"Let me give your brother a hug." He said as he lowered Abel to the ground and stepped further into the room towards his second son still holding onto his mother's hand.

"Thomas." He proudly exclaimed at the realization that despite the long absence from his life, his youngest son not only recognized him but judging by the smile on his face and the outstretched arms was more than happy to see him.

Jax engulfed Thomas in his arms, savoring the feel of his boy reciprocating the gesture when his tiny arms wrapped around Jax's neck with a big smile on his face!

Tara couldn't help but smile herself watching her son and his father reunite.

"Tommy can walk now, really walk ... and talk too." Abel interrupted the reunion.

Jax nodded as his eyes scanned over the boy in his arms, soaking in the changes he hadn't noticed in the pictures and videos that Tara had send him on a weekly basis. "I know. You're a big boy now, aren't you, Thomas? Your momma told me all about it."

It was true that Tara had kept him informed of every milestone in his sons life. Yet to see for himself how much he'd grown even more in just a few months was still surprising to Jax. Thomas wasn't a baby anymore now, at almost three years old, he was barely a toddler, he was a boy.

Jax couldn't shake the pang in his heart at the thought of how much he'd missed ... not just over the last couple of months, but even before that.   
He'd missed so much when he'd been locked up and even after he got out, the club life had consumed him so much that it hadn't left much time to spend with his kids. More times than not they had been in bed by the time he'd made it home. As he pulled Thomas closer and placed a kiss against his forehead he made a silent vow to never be an absent father again.

XX

Tara's boots clicked rhythmically on the pavement with every step she took towards her car. She fumbled with her car keys to unlock her door when her eyes fell on the truck parked on the other side of the street. She hesitated for a moment, glancing up at her own apartment window before she turned around on her heels and quickly crossed the street.

She awkwardly stared at the truck before she leaned in closer, trying to peek through the glass of the bed topper.

The truck was loaded with bags and boxes and the thought began to sink in that he'd really meant what he'd told Abel earlier. 

Was he really going to stay for good? 

Tara hurried back to her own car and quickly slid into the driver seat and lowered her head defeated as the tears began to well up in her eyes. This couldn't really be happening, could it?

For the first week ... who was she kidding, for the first month she'd hoped and dreamed that he'd show up. That he'd call and tell her he was on his way. That she'd come home from work and he'd be sitting there, waiting for her and begging her for forgiveness ... begging her for one more chance. And she'd fight the urge to run into his arms but make him grovel for a while, but eventually they'd end up ... together ... happily ever after.

She sat up straight and folded down the visor to look in the mirror.   
Stop it!   
She scolded herself as she began to wipe the mascara tears from her face and tried to make herself look presentable again. 

She couldn't go back there, she couldn't let herself become that vulnerable again, that weak again. 

If he was really here to stay ... good for him ... at least her boys wouldn't grow up without their father, but she just couldn't be that girl anymore. The one that was lonely and desperate and forever taking him back no matter what he'd done. 

There was a time when she'd truly believed that Jax and her had the kind of love that could conquer it all, come what may. That they had been put in each other's life to make the other one whole, make the other one better. But time and pain and sorrow had proved her wrong. This wasn't a fairytale at all ... hell, this was a drama ... a tragedy with no happy end in sight.

"Shit!" She cursed when she realized that she'd been sitting in her parked car for the last ten minutes, fumbling with her keys to finally start the engine.

She'd simply go get some Pizza for dinner, they'd watch a cartoon with the kids and then Jax could help her with getting the boys into bed ... and then ... well, then they'd have time to really talk, and she'd make it crystal clear to him that she'd moved on. 

She'd tell him how painful it all had been, and how she'd finally put the pieces of her heart back together ... the pieces he'd broken, not just once but over and over again ... and she'd tell him that this was all she was willing to give of herself. She'd be the mom and he'd be the dad and they would co-parent and raise these beautiful babies together from here on out, but that she wouldn't be more than that to him ... a co-parent.

She'd tell him that she'd finally met someone she can see herself have a real future with and ... and that he's a good man and even though she hadn't introduced him to the boys yet, he'd make a good father ... no, scratch that, Jax would hate that ... he'd make a good step-father ... yes, yes, a step-father.   
And if he met someone ... or maybe he already has met someone ... she'd tell him that she was happy for him ... and that she'd hope he'd choose someone with their sons in mind ... because if some woman was in his life, that woman would ultimately also be in their sons life and he'd need to make sure she ...

Tears welled up once more as the image of him with Ima and Collette flitted through her mind.

Furiously wiping her tears away again she glanced at the clock on her dashboard and forced herself to regain control. 

She wouldn't let him do this. He couldn't just swoop back into her life as if the last year hadn't happened, as if he hadn't broken her heart and every promise he'd ever made to her. She was finally free of that life and she'd be damned if she'd let him take her on that downward spiral again. No, she wouldn't let him do this ... she wouldn't let him make her feel like that love struck teenager again. She'd made a life for herself here and even though it might not look like much to him, it was hers and she was happy ... and he couldn't just come back and ruin it all for her, for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
> Please review if you liked it. Thank you.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> XXXXXXX

"We got this, momma." Abel exclaimed with conviction in his voice and reached for his little brothers hand, tugging him along, "Come on, Tommy, its bath time."

Neither Jax nor Tara can hold back the chuckle as they watched their two butt naked boys disappear into the bathroom. 

Just when Jax was about to turn to follow them, Tara spoke up, "I still use the sensitive skin stuff for Thomas, so -"

"Relax." Jax interrupted her before she could finish her sentence. "Like Abel said, we got this. You just ... go read a book or ... something, while I get these little monsters ready for bed."

"Okay." Tara said, folding her arms in front of herself, unsure of what to do without the nightly task.

Relax?

Tara shook her head to herself. She couldn't relax even if she tried, at least not with a million different things running through her mind. Jax's presence evoked so many feelings in her ... and the inner turmoil she was going through wouldn't let her find any rest.

So instead she tried to busy herself. Picking up the kids' discarded clothes, putting away the leftover pizza, loading the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, wiping down the table and the chairs that were smeared with pizza sauce, the kitchen counter ... she even swept and mopped the kitchen floor. None of those things stopped her mind from working overtime, but that didn't stop her from trying.

Next Tara stepped into the living room and began picking up the kids' toys that were scattered around the floor. She was folding up the blanket they had all huddled under while watching Toy Story 2 earlier, when a loud screech followed by hearty laughter from Jax and both the boys caught her attention. She tossed the folded up blanket onto the armchair before curiosity got the better of her and she headed into the direction of the joyful noise.

She stopped short right outside the ajar bathroom door and leaned against the doorframe, listening in on the fun they seemed to have inside.  
This she loved. This she missed more than she'd like to admit. The sound of Abel and Thomas laughing and playing with their father ... could there be anything more beautiful, anything more special? 

The boys had missed Jax so much and hearing the joy in her sons voices now was reason enough for her to come to terms with his unexpected arrival. 

Without letting her presence be known, she remained leaning against the bathroom doorframe and continued to listen in on Jax's conversation with his sons. It was so similar to the phone conversations Abel and Jax had been having, except it was face to face and Thomas was trying to get some words in here and there. The delight in Thomas' voice whenever Jax actually understood what he was trying to say with his still limited vocabulary could truly melt the coldest of hearts. 

She could feel tears well up in her eyes again and she raised her hands to cover her mouth to keep herself from sobbing out loud. This is what it could be like if things had been different. This could've been their life if they had gotten out much sooner ... before the lies and betrayals, the fake dead baby and the cheating ... before all the heinous things they had done to one another. 

But the damage was done and now it was too late for them, wasn't it?

Another round of giggles echoed through the small bathroom and caught her attention once more. She swallowed the lump in her throat, wiped the tears from her eyes and decided that she'd enjoy this small family reunion and make the best of it. So she put on a brave face, took in a deep breath and pushed the door further open.

"What's so funny in here?" She asked as she stepped inside, carefully stepping around Jax who sat on his knees in front of the bathtub. She sat down on the closed toiled seat lid and leaned towards the tub, "Isn't the water cold by now?" She asked before submerging her fingers into the soapy suds to check for herself. "I think it's time to get out ... you already look like tiny little prunes."

Abel laughed, "I'm not a prune." He smacked a bubble so hard with his flattened palm that water went flying in every direction. 

His big brothers antics made Thomas laugh out loud and both Jax and Tara smirked but knew better than to encourage it.

"Hey, little man, I already told you once, if you flood the bathroom you're gonna have to dry it all up and you'll miss the bedtime story." He tried to sound serious, yet his voice couldn't hide the lighthearted tone he'd had with both the boys since he had arrived.

Jax reached inside the soapy water himself and added, "And your mom's right, the water's cold, so it's time to get out and get ready for bed."

"Noooooooooooo." protested Abel and even little Thomas shook his head no before adding, "No bed."

"Yes bed." Tara smiled at him and grabbed his spiderman towel, spreading it open and without saying a word Jax picked Thomas up and held him with outstretched arms over the tub to keep from getting the floor any more wet then it already was.  
Tara wrapped his towel around him, before taking her youngest son completely into her arm. 

She quickly got Thomas dried up and changed for bed, while Jax helped Abel to get ready. 

"I want Dad to read to us." Abel said demanding further attention from his father.

"Sure." Jax answered but then shot a look at Tara, "If it's okay with your mom?"

"Of course." Tara answered. 

Jax kneeled down in front of the boys' bookcase alongside his sons and tried to find a book that both Thomas and Abel could agree on, while Tara watched once more from the sidelines and she simply couldn't help but wonder just for the tiniest of moments if it would be the worst thing in the world if she'd give him another chance.

But just as that small speckle of hope for them flitted through her mind and heart, Jax stood and walked over to the bed with his sons. Not wanting to get Abel's bed wet, he peeled off the wet white t-shirt he'd been wearing and instantaneously Tara was brought back to the harsh reality she'd momentarily tried to suppress, when the reaper on his back seemed to mock her from across the room. And for the second time tonight she swallowed the lump in her throat, before she closed the kids' room door and walked away. 

XX

Jax carefully carried Thomas to his toddler bed, trying his best to not wake the sleeping child in his arms.

"Daddy?" Abel spoke up from the other side of the room, but Jax raised a finger to his lips, signaling the older boy to not wake his younger sibling.

After Thomas was securely tucked in, Jax turned his attention back to Abel who had patiently waited.

He pulled the blanket up to Abel's chest before brushing his fingers through the boys short hair one more time, and whispered, "Sleep tight." He placed a soft kiss against Abel's forehead, before adding, "Don't let the bedbugs bite."

"Will you be here when I wake up?" Abel whispered back as Jax reached for his discarded t-shirt.

He paused for a moment, unsure what to respond at first, but after thinking about it he decided to go with the simple truth. "Your mom and I haven't really talked about that yet, but even if I'm not staying the night, I promise you I won't be far and I'll come by again tomorrow to see you and your brother, okay?"

"Okay." Abel replied, seeming content with his father's answer as he closed his eyes and rolled onto his side to get more comfortable, before he whispered, "Maybe you can sleep in mom's bed, then she won't have any more nightmares, daddy."

Abel's last words stopped Jax dead in his tracks, and for a moment it actually crossed his mind to press his son for more details, but he didn't. Instead he turned off the lights, and slowly left their room.

Jax paused right outside the boys' bedroom door as he tried to come to terms with Abel's last words. The knowledge that Tara suffered from nightmares sadly added just another layer of guilt to his already burdened conscience. 

The list of things that burdened him seemed endless and if he was honest with himself he really had not the faintest idea of how he could fix what he had done ... to them, to her. All he knew was that he didn't come this far to throw the towel in, he didn't fight this hard to walk away from the club to now walk away from her as well. 

So Jax ran a hand over his newest tattoo on his chest, as if somehow the letters of her name would give him the strength he needed to face her, before he pulled his t-shirt back on over his head.

He took a deep breath and ran a hand down his beard, steadying himself before he turned and walked into the living room.  
Straight into the lion's den!

X

Tara sat at the kitchen table, nervously tapping her fingers to an imaginary beat in her head when Jax appeared in the doorframe.

She took in his somewhat disheveled appearance, clearly caused by their rambunctious little boys. Had she not been so on edge she would've probably laughed at him a little. 

"They are a handful." He stated as he casually stepped further into the room, took a seat opposite of her and ran a hand through his long hair, pushing it out of his face.

"Yeah, they are." She nodded her head agreeing with him.

A beat or two passed with neither of them saying a word.

To Jax's surprise Tara was the first to speak up, "I kind of don't know what to say here, Jax?"

Jax leaned forward and rested his arms on the table, the uncertain expression on his face matched Tara's, "I know, babe, I know."

Another awkward silence.

"Do you want a drink?" Tara suddenly asked as she got out of her chair, "'Cause I sure could use one."

Jax flashed her the sweetest of smiles, "Yeah, sure." When she turned away from him it was the first time he got to really drink in the image of her since he'd gotten here earlier today.  
She looked incredible. She might've lost a little bit of weight, but thankfully not too much. The way her backside filled out those jeans made his fingers itch to slide his hands around her curves.

Tara stood on her tiptoes and opened the cabinet above the stove vent, but when Jax realized she couldn't reach the bottle he quickly got out of his chair and reached for it himself. Brushing against her as he invaded her space, one of his hands resting on her waist - not even intentionally but more out of habit - but it didn't go unnoticed by him just how quickly Tara moved to the side and out of his grasp. Another thing that hadn't gone unnoticed was his missing ring on her hand, yet he hoped that she'd just forgotten to put it back on after work.

He glanced at the label of the already half empty bottle of whiskey before handing it over to her, and she mumbled a quiet 'Thanks' to him before she began pouring him and herself a drink.

Both raised their glass to their lips and Jax watched her take that first gulp. In the past she'd always been a bit of a lightweight when it came to hard liquor like this, but as his eyes fell on the half empty bottle once more he wondered if she'd build up a tolerance without him.  
He couldn't decide what scenario concerned him more ... the thought of Tara drinking alone, or Tara not drinking alone. 

Another big sip and Jax decided that he'd had enough liquid courage and he didn't want to waste another minute tiptoeing around the subject. He put his glass down on the kitchen counter behind him, and blurted the words out that he'd been dying to say since the moment he'd had arrived, "I'm out, babe. I'm done with SAMCRO." 

Tara scoffed and shook her head, pausing for effect, "I think I've lost count of how many times I've heard you say that to me." before she took another sip from her drink.

Registering the disbelieve in her voice, he felt the need to defend himself, "It's not like those times before, Tara. This time it's a done deal. I sold the house ... sold my share of TM to Chibs and Bobby and my share of Diosa to the rest of the club."  
He stepped right in front of her, not giving her a chance to avoid his penetrating gaze he lifted her defiant chin up to face him. He needed her to understand that he was serious, "I. Am. Done. With. SAMCRO."

Tara dared to hold his gaze for as long as she could before tears began to well up in her eyes. She wiped at them and looked away, "And now what?"

"Now we ... we start over?" He said quietly and even he couldn't deny just how ridiculous that notion sounded as soon as the words had left his lips. He knew it wouldn't be that easy.

"Right. And we live happily ever after." She replied flippantly with venom and sarcasm in her voice as she turned back around to give herself a refill.

Jax watched as she raised her filled glass back to her lips and took another big gulp, weighing his next words in his mind before saying them out loud, "Look, babe. I'm not delusional. I know that it's not going to be easy. That you and I have a lot to work out. And I didn't show up here expecting you to just let me back into your heart or ... or your bed for that matter, but ... but for the first time we actually have a god damn chance at this."

"We've had a chance thirteen years ago, Jax. We've always had a chance but you didn't take it ... and now ..." She quieted down, "Now we're broken beyond repair."

"Don't say that, Tara." Jax said her name with so much desperation in his voice that it almost broke her heart all over again. He stepped in front of her and framed her face in his hands trying to gain her full attention, "I love you. There's never been a moment when that hasn't been true. And it's always going to be true!"

Tara sobbed out loud at his words, because in her eyes they weren't comforting at all, "The sad thing is that I believe you, but don't you see that is what makes everything that has happened so much worse? That you could do the things you've done to me ... to someone you say you love?" Tears fell freely from her eyes now.

Her words resonated with him and he turned away from her, raising his hands to his own face to wipe his tears away. A deep desperate sigh escaped his lungs as he fought to get his own emotions back under control. He didn't have an answer for her. He didn't know why he'd done what he'd done. 

Back when Abel was taken, he'd tried everything he could possibly think of to push her away. He'd yelled and screamed and cheated. It broke his own heart doing the things he'd done to her, but in his mind it was all justified because he wanted her out of the life, he wanted something better for her, away from him and the club ... he didn't want her to end up like Donna. 

But now ... after she took him back despite all the shit he'd put her through, after waiting for him during his fourteen months stint in Stockton, her hand getting smashed to shreds and getting marched out of their home late at night in god damn handcuffs ... after all that, he'd gone and betrayed her and for what? 

What was it about Collette that made him risk losing her? He didn't know the answer himself. And if he couldn't understand it, how or why in the world would she. All he could think to do now was beg for her forgiveness.

"I fucked up, babe." He turned back around to face her with a pleading look in his red rimmed eyes, "I know how much I've hurt you, and if I could take it all back I would, but I can't." He shook his head. "All I can do is promise you that it will never happen again. I will never hurt you again."

Tara sighed, wiping the remnants of her tears from her face before she blurted out, "I saw you, ... you know?"

His forehead creased and his eyes narrowed in confusion, "Saw me? Saw me where?"

"With her." Tara stated simply and fought the urge to cry again.

Jax looked at her with confusion written all over his face. For a moment he wondered if she was talking about the day she'd walked in on Collette and him.

Seeing the confusion in his eyes, Tara explained, "I stopped by Diosa ... on the day I was leaving Charming, shortly after we said our goodbye's over at Margaret's house."

She'd come to Diosa? 

"What are you talking about? Why were you at Diosa?" He questioned her, suddenly a sickening feeling forming in his stomach as he awaited her answer.

Tara folded her arms in front of herself, the pitch of her voice raising again as she fought so hard not to cry, "I was looking for you."

He could feel his heart constrict painfully in his chest and he wondered for a moment if this was what a heart attack felt like, but then the sensation vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

"You were looking for me?" He managed to croak out a response. "Looking for me why?" He couldn't help but wonder if she had shown up to tell him that she was going to stay, and somehow he'd managed to fuck that up as well.

Tara lowered her gaze to the linoleum tiles of her kitchen floor, embarrassed and ashamed of how stupid she had been to go back there looking for him. "I came to tell you that I'd wait for you. I wanted to tell you in person that we still had a chance."  
She sobbed, "But then I saw you walk her out the front door, holding her hand ... I saw you kiss her." Tara wiped at the tears the memory brought to her eyes. "Clearly I didn't learn my lesson from the last time when I showed up at one of your whorehouses unannounced."

No, no, no, no, no! Jax wanted to scream.

Jax stepped towards her now, a look of panic in his eyes she couldn't recall seeing before, "Look, babe, I don't know what you think you saw, but nothing happened between me and her. I swear."

"I saw you kiss." Tara threw back at him, trying not to raise her voice since the boys were sleeping, even though she wanted to scream it at him.

Jax shook his head and pleaded with her, "She might've kissed me ... I don't know, I don't remember, but I swear that nothing else was going on between me and her ... between me and anyone for that matter."  
He stepped even closer to her, grabbing her by her shoulders, maybe a little too rough and shook her ever so slightly as if that would help her to see things his way, see that he wasn't lying ... not this time, "I haven't been with anyone since that day at the motel ... with you." He searched her eyes for a sign that she believed him, but found nothing but doubt reflecting back at him. "I swear, Tara, I swear on the life of our sons. You are the last person I've been with."

Tara gazed in his eyes, trying to see if he was telling the truth ... but if she was honest with herself, she wasn't sure if she could even tell anymore.

Had it all just been a big misunderstanding?  
Her mind was telling her no, it was telling her that she saw what she saw, but her heart was pulling her a different way. She lowered her head and closed her eyes in hurt and confusion just as Jax pulled her into his arms. She was too weak, too exhausted to even try to fight him off.

She could feel his heart beating fast against her ear as he cradled her head against his broad chest, "What you saw ... it wasn't what you think it was. You came to tell me that you'd wait for me." He repeated her sentiment, "And now I'm here."

His last words brought yet more tears to form in her eyes, "But I didn't ... wait."

She pushed gently against his chest, enough so she could look up into his eyes, "I met someone."

Jax let go off her and took a step back, shaking his head no, "What do you mean?" He asked as if he couldn't have possibly heard her say what she had just said.

"I'm sorry, Jax." Tara sobbed when she saw the disbelieve in his eyes, "I thought you were with her ... I thought we were over."

Jax turned around unable to look at her as his jaw clenched with anger. He realized the hypocrisy of it all, but at the moment that was no comfort to his heart or his ego. With his back still towards her he hissed into the room, "You're still my wife. We are still married."

His words cut her like a knife and her sadness was quickly replaced with anger. Was he really this self-centered that he couldn't see how this was nothing like what he'd done to her in the past?

As heartbreaking as everything turned out to be, she would not stand here and defend the consequences caused by his actions.

"The only reason we're not divorced is so the DA can't force me to testify against you." She reminded him why the divorce papers were never filed with the court.

Jax turned back around to face her, but didn't even acknowledge what she'd said. "Who is he?"

"Why does it matter?" Tara said with a heaviness to her voice that signaled that all the fight had left her body. She was just too emotionally drained to go yet another round with him. Her mind ached, and so did her heart.

"It matters to me." Jax replied, suddenly with a much softer tone to his voice than mere seconds ago.

She shook her head, signaling him the denial of an answer. She couldn't do this anymore, not tonight, "It's been a long day for me, Jax ... and I'm sure it's been a long day for you too."

Jax moved closer again and palmed her weary face in his hands and to his surprise she'd let him, "You and me, we're not over. Not by a long shot."

Tara's chin quivered, but she didn't reply. She didn't know what to say. She was more confused than she'd ever been.  
She needed time to think ... weigh her heart against her mind. She'd seen too much, been through too much with him to run back into his arms as if nothing had happened. She'd made that mistake in the past and look where it got her. This time, she wouldn't be influenced by pregnancy hormones or the fear of losing Abel ... this time it would be different. This time he'd have to earn her trust back, because she was no longer willing to give it so easily.

"Do you have a place to stay tonight?" Tara asked him out of nowhere with her head held high again, completely taking the wind out of his sail.

Jax shook his head, "No, but I can probably find a hotel or motel somewhere in town." She could hear the defeat in his voice.

"I'll find you a pillow and some blankets." She said as she began to push past him and headed into the living room.

"I appreciate that." Jax answered and followed after her.

X

Jax tossed and turned on the couch, unable to let his mind rest, unable to stop himself from picturing her with some faceless guy. Kissing her, touching her, loving her. Doing all of the things he'd longed to do with her. It was torture and he wondered for the first time if this was what it had been like for her. If so than he probably deserved feeling the way that he did.

But regardless how bad it hurt, he'd meant everything he'd said. 

He'd fought tooth and nail to keep SAMCRO alive ... keep the club from getting torn apart by greed or the law.  
And now as he was lying in the darkness of Tara's living room, he vowed to himself that he fight even harder to save his marriage. He'd fight for her, for them. He didn't know how yet, but he'd find a way to earn her trust again, earn her love again. And he wouldn't stop until he'd win her back.

That other guy. That faceless guy that was fucking her in his mind ... he didn't stand a chance.

He's seen nothing like me yet!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XXXXXXXXXX
> 
> End Note: Please leave me a comment or a review with your thoughts, I'm curious to see who's side most of you are on. I know that we all want the same thing, which is Tara and Jax reunited, but based on what has happened so far in this story, who's side are you on? Tara or Jax?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Tara stood barefoot in the kitchen, her grey knee-length robe wrapped tightly around her, as she pulled two large coffee mugs out of the kitchen cabinet above her coffeemaker.

Jax watched her from his position at the kitchen table, he tried not to but simply couldn't keep himself from wondering what she was wearing underneath the thin material of her robe.   
Was it a snug pair of pajama shorts and a tank top that she often wore to bed? Or maybe just a bra and panties?  
God, how he hated this. Hated that she was so near in the physical sense, yet worlds away in her mind and heart. 

He didn't take his eyes off of her as she poured herself and him a cup of coffee. She added one teaspoon of sugar to her cup and stirred it, before she added four heaping teaspoons to his cup and stirred that as well. The old familiar task brought a small smile to her face.   
Jax was such an oddity of a man. He barely ate any sweets, never looked twice at a piece of pie or chocolate, yet he'd add an insane amount of sugar to his coffee, and could eat a plate full of chocolate chip cookies within a matter of minutes.

She turned around and walked the couple of steps over to the table, placing the steaming cup of coffee with the spoon still in the cup in front of Jax, who looked appreciatively up at her and mumbled a 'thanks' in her direction. She couldn't help but notice the tired expression on his face, clearly he'd gotten about as much sleep as she had last night. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up." She began to explain as she took a seat herself. With both elbows resting on the table she slowly raised her steaming cup to her lips with both hands, carefully taking a very small sip. "The only moments I get to myself are early in the morning before the boys wake up, or late at night after they go to bed."

"Don't worry about it." Jax replied, and stirred his coffee some more before he took a small sip as well. "You didn't wake me, babe, I was already up."

An awkward silence filled the room for several minutes as both just quietly sipped their coffee, seemingly lost in their own thoughts, when Jax finally spoke up. "Do you work today?"

Tara nodded, "Yeah, I do. Once a month I have to pull ER shifts on weekends."

"Your neighbor watches the boys if you gotta work on weekends, right?" He asked, more to refresh his memory of what Tara had told him in a phone conversation shortly after she'd arrived here.

She nodded again, "Yeah, weekends, night shifts, last minute surgeries. Misses Eloise Young, ... when you come up the stairs, the second door on the right is her place. She's a sweet old lady and she's truly been a lifesaver."   
Tara smiled warmly at the thought of the older woman who'd offered her babysitting services and friendship when Tara had first moved into the building. "Honestly, I don't know what I would've done without her."

Another sip from her drink, "If you want to spend time with the boys, I can tell her that I won't need-"

"No." Jax interrupted her before she got to finish her sentence, "I've got some job interviews lined up today, not sure how long that's going to take ... but if I get done while you're still at work, I go get the boys from her, if that's alright?"

Tara nodded her agreement, but the expression on her face told Jax something was bothering her and he couldn't bite his tongue. "What?" he asked.

She sighed and avoided his eyes for a brief moment, before meeting his questioning stare head on, "Forty-three minutes." She stated.

Jax looked confused, and repeated, "What?"

"I checked my phone last night and that's how long you talked to Abel on Thursday afternoon. Forty-three minutes and not once did you think to ask him to put me on the phone to let me know you were coming the very next day?" She said with accusation in her voice. "But you did set up job interviews."

"It's not like that." Jax tried to explain, he ran a hand through his hair, "Look, I didn't want to say anything and then at the last minute something would come up and I'd have to stay longer. I didn't want to make another promise to you that I wasn't sure I could keep." He searched her face for confirmation that she understood.

The look in her eyes softened up on hearing his honest reply, "Okay, I get it."

Tara pushed her chair back and got up, stepping up to one of her kitchen drawers and rifled through it until she found what she was looking for.

She dangled two small chrome colored keys in her hand before putting them on the table in front of Jax, a kind yet cautious smile on her face, "Thought you might need these until you find a place of your own." Grabbing her mug of the table she turned, but Jax caught her arm just as she was passing by him, "Tara."

Tara stopped and looked at him. Jax could see the almost terrified expression in her eyes, and it became clear to him that it would do more harm than good if he tried to continue last night's conversation now. 

He wanted, no, he needed to know more about the guy she was seeing ... the not knowing kept him tossing and turning all night and he had a feeling it would continue to drive him insane for the rest of the day as well.   
He wanted to forbid her from seeing him. But as soon as that thought crossed his mind he quickly realized that that would almost be a surefire way to push her further into the other man's arms. So he bit his tongue.

Instead he let the hand on her forearm slide down and gently raised her hand to his lips and kissed it, "Thank you."

Tara closed her eyes for a moment, seemingly relieved, before she nodded at him, "Don't mention it. Good luck on the job hunt today." And with that she pulled her hand out of his, leaving him sitting at the table alone, and walked away before he'd see the tears that were welling up in her eyes.

X

Tara quickly closed the bathroom door behind her and locked it. Normally she'd leave the door wide open when she got in the shower in the mornings, so she'd be able to hear the boys if they got up, but with Jax in the apartment she just didn't feel comfortable doing that. She was afraid that he'd somehow see it as an invite to join her. A thought that brought heat to her cheeks, but she wished it wouldn't.

After putting her coffee down by the sink, she leaned back against the closed bathroom door, and rubbed the back of her hand, where Jax had kissed her, with her other hand. Hating the fact that such a simple and innocent gesture from him could still cause such a primal physical attraction in her. 

She proceeded to turn the water on in the shower, knowing it would take several minutes before it would start to warm up, and she sat waiting on the edge of the bathtub. 

It just wasn't fair that after all this time, after all they've been through he still managed to not only get into her head but under her skin so easily. 

She had done a lot of thinking last night, unable to sleep as tears had streamed down her face, knowing he was right there just on the other side of her bedroom door. And she knew that despite it all, despite everything they had done to each other she still loved him deeply, but just because she loved him, didn't mean they were supposed to be together. 

Maybe they should've never been together to begin with. She shook her head at that, denying that last thought to be the truth, because if that were true she wouldn't have those beautiful babies sleeping in the very next room, and at this point in her life she simply didn't know who she'd be without them. If it wasn't for her sons she probably would've lost the will to live some time ago. Protecting them and being a good mother had given her more life purpose than any medical school diploma ever could.

XXXXX

Jax sat with a clipboard in his lap and a pen in his hand, trying his best to fill out all the necessary information on the job application. 

He'd already done this at seven different repair shops across town, yet instead of an interview with the manager, it had always ended with a 'we'll call you if we're hiring' even though some had an 'Now hiring' sign right in their front window.

He looked up from the papers in front of him and gave the place a once over. This place wasn't some kind of chain repair shop like most of the places he'd applied for a job today. He couldn't help but think that this place reminded him of T-M somehow. He glanced behind him through the window overlooking the shop, noticing that most of the mechanics were tatted up as well. He felt like he could fit in here for sure.

Jax stared at the application once more, rereading the question about crimes and convictions for the hundredth time. He hadn't lied on the other applications, there simply wouldn't be a point, because he knew the moment they'd run a background check on him all sorts of shit would pop up.   
Yet as he stared at the paper he wondered who in their right mind would hire someone like him? He really couldn't blame them if they wouldn't. Here, away from Charming, he was no one, a nobody. Nobody here cared that he used to be the president of Samcro. All they saw when they looked at him now was a career criminal.

However he knew that if he didn't find a job soon, everything he'd done to get here would've been for nothing, it would all unravel. 

Lowen had worked her ass off, getting him a court date to get permission to move out of state while he was technically still on federal release. However he had to comply with the imposed judgment, which, among other things, meant he needed to find a steady job as soon as possible.

So no job meant his ass would get shipped back to Charming, which in turn meant he'd break her heart once again, and he just couldn't let that happen.

Jax chewed on the pen for a moment, getting more frustrated by the second, before he finally put the pen to paper and confessed all the sins he'd been convicted of.

He looked up from the paper and gave the young woman behind the desk a once over as well. She had a certain timeless beauty about her. With her pale yet perfect complexion and the dark almost black hair, she reminded him of a movie star from the fifties, and if he had to guess he'd say she was a couple years younger than him.

Jax waited patiently for her to get off of the phone with a customer, before he stood and approached her desk.

"Done?" She asked with a cheery tone to her voice and held out her hand for the clipboard in Jax's hand.

"Yeah." Jax replied, handing it over to her and remained standing as she looked over each page to make sure he hadn't missed anything, when her eyes lingered longer on that last dreadful page.   
He could practically see the expression on her face change as she read over his crimes and having done this same dance seven times already in the last couple of hours, he pretty much knew that if he didn't speak up this wouldn't end any different.

"Look, darlin'" he turned on the Teller charm before he reached for her hand to gain her full attention, "If I could-"

"You're barking up the wrong tree here, Sweetie." She interrupted him before he could even start his sentence as she pulled her hand out of his and chuckled out loud. 

"You see that girl right there?" She pointed a manicured finger behind him in the direction of the shop, turning his attention to the only female mechanic who worked there. "You see, I'm with her."

Jax couldn't help but chuckle himself, a bit embarrassed to say the least, "Well, I guess I can't compete with that." 

"Yeah, you can't." The young brunette smirked playfully at him, "She's working with a whole different set of tools than you." The innuendo obvious in her tone of voice.

Contemplating his options for a moment and since charming his way into an interview was out of the question now, he decided to go with the truth instead. "Look, the thing is ... I'm trying to start over. My wife and my boys live here in town, and I'm trying to make things right with them by earning straight. So I need a job ... any job. I'll take anything. I'll restock parts. Sweep up after closing, ... hell, I'll clean the god damn johns for you, but ... I just need someone to give me a break. Please."

He hadn't intended to sound this desperate, but if he was honest with himself he was just that. Grunt work wasn't new to him, he'd done it when Clay and Gemma had given him his first job at T-M, and he'd start from the bottom up again if it meant he'd be able to stay in Oregon with his family.

She looked him over, and sighed defeated, before she glanced back at his application, "It says here that you were part owner of a repair shop in Charming, California. Did you bring any documents to prove that? Any references?"

Jax nodded and held up the manila envelope he'd brought along, "I've got everything right here."

"Alright, just sit and give me a minute. I'll see what I can do."

"Great, thanks." He said and sat back down across from her desk, as he watched her disappear into one of the rooms behind her.

Jax nervously popped his knuckles, and practically jumped out of his chair the moment the door opened and she came back in the view.

She smiled at him and nodded, "You can go in."

"Thank you." Jax smiled gratefully at her as he rounded her desk.

"Don't thank me yet, you'll still have to convince him." She replied, but then leaned in close as he was just about to walk past her, practically whispering in his ear, "Do not mention football, and admire his die-cast car collection. Good luck, sweetie."

XX

Tara took a seat on one of the park benches in front of the main entrance to the hospital. The ER had been packed today, she'd been busy with all kinds of things, from chest pains to broken bones and simply runny noses. She had truly earned her lunch break.

Her stomach growled loudly as she unpacked her cold cuts sandwich and took a hearty bite. She dug her phone out of her bag and glanced at the screen, and realized she had some missed calls from John.

She sighed, unsure if she should give him a call back or not.   
Obviously he knew of Jax, but that didn't make it any easier to explain that he was here now, and not just to visit, but supposedly to stay for good.   
John was a good man, but Tara still wondered how he'd take the news that her ex, who was legally still her husband, was staying on her couch. Not to mention that Jax was hell-bent on wanting to give their relationship another try.

After thinking about it for a moment, she decided to just get it over with and dialed his number, not surprised that he answered on the second ring, "Hey."

"Hey." She replied, "Sorry I missed your calls, I'm working the ER today, and had my phone in my bag."

"I figured. Busy day?"

"Yeah." Tara answered, "No mayor trauma's so far, but still crazy busy."

"So I was thinking of you today when I saw this quaint little dinner, some old mom and pop place. The whole place looks like something straight out of 'happy days', jukebox and all. Maybe next date night we could check it out, and catch a movie afterwards if Misses Ellie can watch the boys. What do you think?"

"Sure." She nodded even though he obviously couldn't see her through the phone. She paused for a moment, "Listen, there's something I need to tell you."

"Sounds serious." He tried to joke and she could practically hear the smile in his voice, but when Tara didn't reciprocate the joke he wondered out loud, "Everything okay?"

Tara put the sandwich in her hand back down on the wax paper it had been wrapped in, she had suddenly lost her appetite. 

Jax hadn't kept promises in the past, and even Tara had come to accept that she and her boys were truly on their own. So telling John that Jax was here, was simply not a scenario she'd ever pictured in her head. And even though she'd met and known John since the first week she'd arrived here, they just recently started dating. Actual dates, where he'd pick her up and they'd go do something fun together, and talk ... yeah, they talked a lot. 

The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone new!   
Her friend Christy had spouted this unwelcomed advice at her one afternoon as she yet again poured her heart out about Jax.

So yes, on one of those date nights John and her had ended up all over each other in his apartment, but before it went too far she put a stop to it. She stopped because every time she kissed John, she kissed Jax in the back of her mind, and every time John's hands roamed over her curves, she couldn't help but picture Jax's hands on her instead.   
Truth be told, she could've gone through with it while the image of her and Jax's last time together played on repeat in the back of her mind, but it just wouldn't have been fair to John.

And she kept hearing Jax's words to her from what seemed like a million years ago now, when he explained how he'd never gotten over her.  
When I'm inside someone, there's only one face I see! 

So she swore to herself she wouldn't do that. She wouldn't do what he'd done and use John's body like that. It simply wasn't fair to him, and he deserved better than that.

John didn't push her ... at all, which was sweet and something Tara had never experienced in any other relationship before. And she thought with time she'd be able to close her eyes and see the sweet man she was kissing instead of the bad boy that had chattered her heart.

Yet here he was back in town, promising her that he's changed, that he still loved her and wants nothing more than to get her back.   
How was any of that suppose to help her move on with John?

"Jax is here." she blurted out, no longer able to keep him in the dark.

"He is?" John asked, "And what does that mean?"

Tara took in a deep breath, "Well, he says he's here to stay."

"Do you believe him?" 

"I don't know." Tara replied honestly, "He's out job hunting right now. He says he wants to be in the boys' life."

"And yours." John added, more a statement than a question.

Tara couldn't lie, "Yeah." she sighed, "He wants to get back together."

The silence on the other end of the phone seemed to drag on forever, and Tara began to hold her breath until John finally spoke up, "Should I be worried?"

Tara contemplated the question in her head. 

Yes! 

"No, you shouldn't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any thoughts? If you liked it, please leave me a review. Thanks.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> X  
> Author's Note: I want to thank everyone that has been leaving reviews and PM for me. I appreciate it so much. So here's the new chapter. I hope you like it.
> 
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jax unlocked the door to Tara's apartment, quietly stepped inside, closed the door behind him again, stepping all the way through to the kitchen and discarded his papers and keys in his hands on the kitchen table. 

He stepped over to the fridge, opened it and reached for the milk, and just when he was about to place the cold carton up to his mouth to take a drink, he stopped himself and poured some into a glass instead. After all, this wasn't really his place.

With his glass of milk in hand, he sat down at the table, he sighed audibly and ran a hand through his long hair, brushing it back out of his face. It had been a long day, but in the end being proactive and speaking up had been the right move and he was now the newest employee at Baker's Automotive Repairs.

Jax opened the manila folder and looked over the remaining papers his new employer needed him to fill out over the rest of the weekend. As he glanced over the pages it became clear it was just the standard stuff, nothing he needed to worry about tonight.

A small involuntary smile graced his lips thinking of his accomplishment of today, before he took another sip from his milk, leaving traces of the white substance in his beard before wiping them away with the back of his hand. 

Not only had he managed to find a job in less than twenty-four hours after getting to Oregon, but it actually seemed like a good fit for him too. After he'd successfully convinced the owner, Eric Baker, to take a chance on him, he'd been shown around the place and immediately clicked with some of the other mechanics there. And considering this was his first non-club related job, the starting pay at $20 an hour wasn't too shabby either. 

Was it enough to raise a family of four on? Definitely not. But it was more than enough to subsidize Tara's income, and help her pay for all the expenses concerning the boys, and for now that was good enough for him.

Jax glanced at the digital clock on the kitchen stove. It was almost six thirty already. He had texted Tara earlier before heading back home but she never replied. 

He pulled his phone from his jeans pocket and checked his messages again, but still no word from Tara. She had warned him that a weekend E.R. shift meant she'd probably be home pretty late tonight, and that the boys would usually end up staying the whole night over at Misses Ellie's place, but with him in town that obviously wouldn't be the case anymore.

Jax pushed the chair back and got up, tucking his phone back into his pants, before he decided not to wait for Tara anymore and to go get his sons by himself.

X

He knocked firmly on the door and within a few moments the door creaked open and the much older woman looked him over with a sweet smile on her face.

"Jackson?" She asked trying to recall his name. She'd met him this morning when Tara and him had dropped the boys off together. "Right?"

"Yes, ma'am." Jax replied respectfully. 

"Come on in, your boys are waiting for you." Misses Ellie stepped out of his way and gestured for him to step on inside, which he did.

Abel and Thomas both looked up at him from their position on the carpeted living room floor, where they were working on a oversized puzzle. 

"Daddy." Abel shrieked before getting up and running into his father's arms.

"Dad-dy." Thomas said more calmly, with his eyes clued to his father and bigger brother, but not bothering to get up off the floor himself. 

"Hey little monsters." Jax replied teasingly as he ran his hand up and down Abel's back while stepping further into the room.

"Sit." Misses Ellie ushered him towards the couch and he wordlessly complied, bouncing an energetic Abel on his left knee. 

He hesitated for a moment, feeling completely out of his element, before he looked up at Misses Ellie, "They behaved alright for you?" He thought that seemed like a normal thing one would ask in his situation.

Misses Ellie nodded and took a seat on the edge of her armchair kitty-corner from the couch he was sitting on, before she began to gush about his two sons, "Oh yes, they were sweethearts. We spend the morning baking a cake, colored in some coloring books, then we napped for a bit after lunch, but not too long. We just finished eating dinner..." She glanced up at the clock to the left above the TV, "... maybe ten minutes ago. So you don't have to worry about fixing them anything."

"Okay, good." Jax nodded, his eyes traveling from her face to Abel's in his lap back to Thomas' who was still busy with the puzzle on the living room floor. 

Sitting here, he felt strangely nervous all of a sudden, and he wasn't entirely sure why, or maybe he just didn't want to admit it to himself yet. And in reality it was almost comical to think, after all the gunfights and time spend behind bars, that this sweet old lady's eyes on him caused his palms to feel clammy and his throat to feel dry. 

He tried to swallow away the dryness in his throat, to no avail. Jax knew, through phone conversations with Tara, that even though Tara paid Misses Ellie for watching the boys for her, the relationship between the two women ran much, much deeper than that. This wasn't just a simple business arrangement like they'd had with Neeta. Tara and his boys had grown to deeply care about Misses Ellie over the last couple of months, and in turn Misses Ellie cared deeply for them as well.

Sitting awkwardly on the couch, under the scrutinizing gaze of Misses Eloise Young, he suddenly couldn't stop himself from thinking back on the only other time he'd felt this way around anyone.

Old man Knowles  
He remembered that Tara's father had never liked him much, but then again that was to be expected. In her father's eyes, Jax had been the boy that had corrupted his sweet little girl, so his dislike for the hormonal hot tempered teenage heir to the SAMCRO throne had truly been no big surprise.  
James Knowles had been what one would describe as a 'high-functioning alcoholic'. He held down a decent job, was liked well enough within the community of Charming and after his wife passed away he raised Tara on his own the best way he knew how. Sure, just like any other drunk he'd had the occasional bender, but overall he'd been an alright father, considering he was raising a daughter on his own.

As Jax looked back into the older woman's eyes he realized that besides Tara herself, and Tara's father, he had never in his life sought out the approval of someone who wasn't in some way, shape or form connected to the MC.   
Until now!

XX  
Jax awoke with a jolt. Startled he looked around the dark living room. The only light coming from the TV across from him. The same infomercial still on the screen.  
He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and groaned tiredly as he sat up. While his eyes still adjusted to the darkness, he reached for his phone and glanced at the screen. Doing a double take when he saw that it was two in the morning.

He leaned back against the couch and ran both his hands through his long hair, brushing it back and out of his face, before he rubbed at his eyes once again.

He knew Tara had said that it would be a long night, but ... damn it was late!  
Fuck! Was she with him?

He didn't want his mind to go there yet again, but he couldn't stop it no matter how hard he tried.  
With this new thought in mind, his hand trembled slightly with suppressed anger as he reached again for his phone on the coffee table in front of him.   
Still no messages from her. 

He wanted to fling the damn phone across the room, hoping to smash it into pieces against the wall. Who was he kidding, he wanted to knock over the table, he wanted to destroy the place, but he didn't. He wanted to but he couldn't. Not without waking the boys or frightening them ... and not without having to explain later on what happened.   
If she was really with him, he didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much her affair was getting under his skin. He knew he couldn't react like Friday night when she'd told him for the first time. If their history had taught him anything, he knew he had to be smarter than that, calmer than that to win her back.

Trying to shake the image of her in the throes of passion with another guy, he padded the front pocket of his blue flannel shirt for his pack of smokes.

With still shaking hands he fished one out, but just as he was about to light it, he remembered that Tara had asked him not to smoke in the apartment. For the boys, she had said.  
With her request in mind, he reached for the baby monitor and his keys on the table and headed for the door.

He lit his cigarette the instant he stepped through the front door of the building, and took a long drag. The nicotine filling his lungs instantly calmed him, he closed his eyes, savoring the taste as he began to busy his mind with wondering what was next for him, now that the job issue had been taken care of. 

But once more, the darkness and quietness of the night further driving home the point how late it was, almost two thirty by now and his mind simply went there again.  
He imagined even before he left Charming that convincing Tara to give him, give them, another try would be a challenge in itself, but knowing now that she was actually seeing someone else made it all the more complicated.

He couldn't deny it, couldn't suppress the fact that the thought of Tara with another man made his blood boil, and all he wanted to do was find the guy and beat him to a pulp.   
Would it accomplish anything?   
No, he knew it wouldn't. But it would feel good.   
Jax tried to suppress the smirk that crept onto his unshaven face, as he imagined beating the other man within an inch of his life.

It would feel so fucking good! 

Just then he was brought out of his deranged thoughts, when he saw Tara pulling her car into her parking spot. His heart sped up as he watched her gather her things, before she stepped out of her car and walked towards him. 

He eyed her warily with every step she took, looking for any tell tale signs ... disheveled hair, buttons haphazardly buttoned. He let go of the breath he hadn't even realized he was holding when he knew all his fears from moments ago had been unfounded.

He knew her. Knew her facial expressions, knew the look in her eyes and from what he could tell she simply looked tired. Tired, as in work tired, not late night sex tired! 

Jax shook his head to himself, he couldn't help but marvel at the fact that even after a long tiring weekend shift in the Emergency Room, she still managed to look this enticing to him.

"Hi." She greeted him, her voice barely above a whisper, not wanting to wake the entire neighborhood. With a shy smile on her face, she stopped a few steps away from him instead of heading on inside. "You're up late." She added, daring a glance at her wristwatch, before searching his face for an explanation. 

"So are you?" His voice equally low, with a smile of his own, giving her another once over before he held his lit cigarette out to her. Too proud to admit out loud that thoughts of her with him brought him out here in the middle of the night.

Tara shook her head, "No, thanks." But placed her heavy bag on the ground before she leaned back against the railing that let up the few steps to the front door. "The E.R. got crazy busy tonight." She offered as explanation before she looked back at him and asked, "The boys are asleep?"

Jax nodded, the baby monitor emitting white noise as he held it up to show her, before he pushes it back into the back pocket of his jeans.  
"You really quit smoking?" Jax questioned her, moving himself to lean against the railing directly across from her.

"No." She shook her head, "I know I should, but I do still have a cigarette every now and then." She said with a heavy tiredness to her voice before she looked back up at him, unable to hold back her curiosity any longer, "So ... how did it go today?"  
For a brief second she wasn't sure what she was more scared of ... him telling her he found a job or him not finding a job.

Jax tried not to smile as broadly as he did, but he simply couldn't help himself, "I've got a job."

"Really?" Tara said with obvious surprise in her voice, yet a genuine smile on her face. "That's ... that's great." She added, before she forced herself to look away from his beaming face. Her heart was racing, and she folded her arms under her chest as if the physical barrier could somehow keep those feelings of hope from rushing straight to her heart.

Is he really going to stay? Could it really be that easy?

Jax took another drag, "If you sound any more surprised, I might take offense." He tried to sound serious, but he couldn't help the grin that graced his face once more.

Tara smirked back before looking at her feet embarrassed and shook her head, "I-I didn't mean it like that."

Jax raised one eyebrow at her in amusement, enjoying her discomfort as he returned her smirk.

She sighed, holding her hand out and he wordlessly handed his almost finished cigarette to her. A jolt of electricity shot through her as their fingertips touched, but she tried her best to pretend she hadn't noticed, all the while watching him out of the corner of her eye, knowing he'd felt the same spark. "I really didn't mean it like that. I'm glad you found a job. It's just" Her words dying down on her lips before she took a long drag, finishing the last of the cigarette before letting it drop to the ground and grinding it out with the tip of her shoes. "I had Margaret, Dr. Namid, and two of my former Attendings from Chicago Presbyterian write me letters of recommendation and it still took me almost a months to get this job." A petty explanation to mask her true feelings of his newly found employment. The equal amounts of pure joy and fear it ignited in her.

Jax shrugged his shoulders as his face grew more serious when he took in the suddenly serious expression on hers. "You're comparing apples and oranges, Doc."

Tara's eyes shot up to meet his at the sound of his old, yet familiar nickname for her.   
Jax lost his train of thought when their eyes met and paused, but it only took him a moment to remember what he was going to say, "There's a huge difference between hiring someone to change the oil on some soccer-mom's minivan versus hiring someone to crack a dying babies chest open to repair a heart, don't you think?"

Tara sighed and nodded in agreement, "I guess you're right." She knew he was right ... there was a big fucking difference. And she actually felt bad for not being able to hide the surprise in her voice better. For not hiding her fear! 

She knew he was headstrong, smart, very articulate and his looks were comparable to men she'd seen on the cover of GQ magazines, so it shouldn't really have been that big of a shock that he'd actually managed to find a job as quickly as he had. However, as her heartbeat slowed down once more despite his presence, Tara simply couldn't help but wonder if his connections to the MC had something to do with his immediate success.

Jax watched her awkwardly for a moment, wondering how he'd ever gotten so lucky to have her, yet had been too stupid to keep her.

He could've told her that he'd been to seven places that wouldn't even let him sit down for an actual interview. Could've told her that he'd practically begged to scrub their toilets just to get a god damn foot in the door, but he didn't tell her any of those things because then he'd have to admit that without the club he was a nobody here. He was nothing but a lowlife, a piece of shit criminal.  
A okay mechanic with a G.E.D.!  
He knew he was not good enough for her, but he was selfish ... too selfish to let her get away. To let her be happy with anyone ... anyone other than himself.

"Ready to go to bed?" He wondered out loud as he looked for the right key on his keychain.

Tara nodded, picked up her bag and followed him up the two steps to the front door.

Jax fumbled with the key for a long minute, trying several times to get it into the lock. He took a small step back, hoping that the bright almost harsh lighting right above the front door would help, but it didn't. 

Tara waited patiently, her hand tightening around the handle of her heavy bag, but after watching Jax fruitlessly trying to maneuver the key into the lock, she stepped around him, closer to the door and put's her bag on the floor. 

"Let me try." She whispered and reached for the keys in his hand. "I can get it in."

"I got it, babe." Jax didn't let go, still holding onto the key, trying to shimmy it into the lock, when Tara's fingers brushed over his knuckles, trying to take the keys from him. That same spark startling both of them for the second time tonight. A knowing look is shared, one that Tara tries to deny and Jax finally gives in, stepping back just enough to give Tara the room she needs to step in front of him.

Capitulation!

"You had the wrong key." She tried to explain, as she pushes the correct key into the lock in one fluid move. She feels Jax push up against her, craning his neck to look around her, so close that she can feel his breath on her cheek.   
She can't help the way her body reacts to him, although she wishes she could. The goose bumps form instantaneously, first on her arms, then up her neck and down her spine in just a matter of nanoseconds. 

Another exhale from him, a hot puff of air, this one she's sure was deliberate, because it's precisely placed against the crook of her neck, where he knows that she likes to be kissed, and the realization of what he's doing hits her like a brick when he presses himself even further against her, his hands tugging at her waist. 

She's just about to turn around, call him out on his obvious attempt to get into her personal space, when she feels it. The small almost tickling feeling on the other side of her neck, the side Jax was not about to press his soft, moist lips against, and she can't help the shrill sounding shriek that involuntarily escapes her lips.

Along with the high-pitched scream Tara jumps and spins around so fast, bumping her forehead hard into his chin. It hurts, but she's too busy freaking out to even acknowledge the pain. 

Jax doesn't know what's going on, he's completely caught off guard by her. He catches her, sort of, in his arms, successfully stopping her from falling over her own two feet, or maybe it's her bag that she's tripping or jumping over. It's all happening so fast as yet another cry escapes her lips, and in the quiet of the night it's something that you'd hear in an old black and white horror flick.

"Tara." He manages to say. "What-"

Tara cuts him off before he can ask what's wrong. She pulls the hair tie out, her hands frantically brushing through her own hair, brushing imaginary things off of her shoulders, "Get it out, Jax. Get it out." She demands still in a panic.

Realization hits him now, and he can't help but laugh out loud, but he quickly jumps into action, his fingers now disappearing into the brown strands, his eyes trained on her hair, "Hold on, babe. I can't see shit. You have to hold still."

Tara freezes, her body stiff as a board, her eyes pressed shut tightly as if that would do any good, and she begs, "Please, Jax, just get it out of my hair. Please. Hurry."

"Oh shit." He says, as he actually catches a glimpse of the eight legged insect on her head, before successfully brushing it quickly out of her brown strands of hair. "I got it."

"You got it?" Tara repeats and opens her eyes just in time to see Jax brush the spider off of his own arm now, watching it fall to the asphalt beneath them. The insect is quickly trying to scurry away, but Jax stops it with one fast step.

Tara stares at the flattened spider on the ground, an involuntary quiver shakes her small frame, trying to rid herself off the feeling of something still crawling through her hair.  
"Thanks." She says with exhaustion in her voice, her chest heaving up and down as she tries to normalize her breathing.

"You're welcome." Jax answered, unable to keep the smile from his lips at the intense feeling of déjà vu.

Before he knows it, she turns, reaches for the keys still dangling in the lock, opens the door and disappears inside. He picks up her bag that she'd simply left behind, trying his best to hold back the chuckle as he falls in step right behind her.

X

Tara sat on the edge of the bathtub, while Jax stood beside her, hovering as he looked through her long hair once again. His cheeks were beginning to hurt from the smile that hadn't left his face yet. "Like I said, babe, there's nothing." He whispers, trying not to wake up the kids. 

Tara leans further forward, lowering her head so he can better examine the back of her head, her long hair parting on the back of her skull. That's when his smile finally disappears, and he pulls his hands back, scared he might've already run a finger across the scar without even realizing it.   
But then he shakes that thought away, he would've felt it. Would've noticed the raised flesh beneath his finger tips. Still, he's frozen, but he's not put off by it, just scared it might still hurt her.

It takes Tara just a moment to realize why he pulled away, and she sits up straight without missing a beat. Her hands brushing back her hair, trying to cover the scar, while avoiding his gaze and steeling herself against the tears that threaten to fall from her eyes.

"Tara." He said and in the same instant he dares to step closer again, she gets up and rushes over to the bathroom sink, examining herself in the mirror of the medicine cabinet, fixing her hair again, swallowing hard, begging her own reflection to not fall apart again in front of him. To not give into the hurt and the pain and the tears.

Jax stepped up wordlessly behind her, she tries her best to ignore his eyes trying to meet hers in the reflection of the mirror. When she feels his fingers running soothingly through her hair again, she loses her will and their eyes finally connect. A stare-down of sorts, neither of them saying a thing, neither of them moving and neither of them looking away ... she refuses to crumble, fights it as long as she can.

And she doesn't crumble, doesn't fall apart, but nonetheless she is the first to look away, trying to escape his penetrating gaze and turns around, assuming he'd move out of her way, but he didn't. Instead he steps closer, invades her space yet again, causing her to take a step back, her eyes trained on his collarbone, because she knows if she looks in his eyes now, if she looks into that beautiful face of his she will lose the will to walk away.   
As she steps back again, trying to evade him, her lower back bumps into the sink and his hands reach for her waist, pinning her in place and she realizes she's trapped.

That thought brings a long forgotten memory back to the forefront of her jumbled mind.  
A memory of him and her, both of them so young and inexperienced in the ways of the world. She remembers how he loved her, made love to her, because he wanted her to enjoy it as much as he did. 

So as they lay naked in each other's arms in the afterglow of their lovemaking, he brushed a gentle kiss against her forehead before he spoke, "You know, babe, we can do other stuff too. Other positions. Whatever you want."   
Tara nuzzled her nose into his chest, not even opening her eyes as she replied, her voice so low he could barely make out the words, "You don't like what we've been doing? Do you wanna do other stuff?"  
She could feel him shake his head no, before he actually uttered the word and added, "Trust me, I don't mind being on top. Being in charge." He stroked her hair out of her face, trying to get her to look at him, "I just don't want you to ever feel..." He paused, searching for the right word, "Trapped."  
Tara raised her head from his chest, just enough to look up at him and meet his eyes, a innocent smile on her young face, "Maybe I like being trapped by you." She teased, not liking the sudden seriousness in his voice. Her hand traveling down his abdomen, beginning to stroke him and feeling instant gratification when she feels him getting hard again against the palm of her hand. "Why don't you trap me again, Jackson." She smiles up at him before he rolls back on top of her.

She's brought back to reality when she hears him say her name again. "Tara." His voice so low but solemn, lazed with lust. "Please look at me, babe." He practically begs and Tara finds herself even more terrified to do just that.

She completely ignores his request, lowers her head, leaning her forehead against his hairy chin. She can't look at him right now, because despite all the pain he's caused her, despite all the logical reasons why they shouldn't be together that were whirling around in her head at this very moment, she knows there's still love between them.   
Under all the betrayal, the hurt, and the ugliness of the crimes against one another there is still real, deep, undeniable love and she knows if she allows him to push her on this, here and now ... she will falter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: I hope you all like this chapter, if you did, please leave a few words. He hasn't even been back in her life for 48 hours yet ... is it too soon for her to give in to his advances? I'm curious what you're thinking.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> X  
> Author's Note: The new chapter is here. Lots of cussing, and adult themes in this one, so be warned. I hope you like it.
> 
> XXXXXXXXXX

"Tara." his voice so low but solemn, lazed with lust. "Please look at me, babe." He practically begs and Tara finds herself even more terrified to do just that.

She completely ignores his request, lowers her head, leaning her forehead against his hairy chin. She can't look at him right now, because despite all the pain he's caused her, despite all the logical reasons why they shouldn't be together that were whirling around in her head at this very moment, she knows there's still love between them. 

Under all the betrayal, the hurt, and the ugliness of the crimes against one another there is still real, deep, undeniable love and she knows if she allows him to push her on this, here and now ... she will falter.

Jax lowers his head now too, leaning against hers, forehead to forehead, nose to nose. The sexual tension between the former lovers suddenly so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Both their chest's are heaving as if they just ran a mile. He tilts his head a bit to the side, leaning in closer and just when his lips are about to brush against hers, Tara pulls her head back, yet still avoiding his gaze when she begs out loud, "Please, don't." 

The scared sound of her voice breaks his heart. The sudden longing of holding her instead to kiss her doesn't diminish his desire for her but it merely gets temporarily overshadowed by his need to protect her. He simply hated that she's so terrified by his advances.

So his hands lose their tight grip on her waist and move up, wrapping around the expanse of her back in a hug, pulling her further into him instead and gently tucking her head under his chin. 

However, Tara's still on guard, that's painfully obvious to him with the way she keeps her palms flat against his chest, as if she's still trying to decide whether to push him away or not. But in the end she doesn't resist and she remains frozen in his tight embrace for a long moment. 

Jax interrupts the quiet when he wants to know. "Does it still hurt?"

My head ... or my heart?  
Tara wonders how to answer that for a second, but in reality she knows what he means, knows what he's asking. The scar itself doesn't hurt, not physically, not anymore, but the emotional pain was a whole other story.

"No, not anymore." She whispered into his chest, hoping the answer would placate him enough to not push this further. She doesn't want to talk about the scar or the attack on her yet again. Doesn't want to think or theorize about the who and why either.   
It was pointless all the same, because she still didn't remember anything.

Another long minute in his arms, and she can feel his fingers on her back playing with the strands of her hair. Standing here like this with him in the quietness of the night, she could almost forget everything that has happened between them, almost forget everything around them. Temporarily allowing herself to get lost in the moment and being brought back in her mind again to a simpler time, long before they had broken each other's hearts.

"I need you to give me another chance." He suddenly whispers his request against her ear and his left hand reaches for her right one still flattened against his chest, holding it in place over his beating heart. "You gotta let me in ... at least enough so I can try to fix this."

Tara nuzzles against him for a second, contemplating his words over in her mind, before she finally has gathered enough strength and willpower to look up into his pleading blue eyes. She needs to get through to him, "I don't think there's anything left to fix, Jackson." She admits her true feelings and with them denying him any hope in the matter. She's sort of in awe of herself, doesn't know where she's found the strength to stand up to him in all his perfection, but she's silently thanking god that she has.

Her words and stern look combined with her use of his given name feels like a sucker punch to the gut, mostly because he knows she only ever called him Jackson If she was trying to drive home a point. And the heartbreaking point she was driving home right now was their unsalvageable marriage.

"I know you've heard that saying about insanity. The one about doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results."

He nods his head, but looks confused back at her for a second, clearly not understanding what she's getting at.

"I'm done being insane, Jax." She says with her head held high again, and somehow she finds the strength to pull her hand out from under his, twist out of his strong arm that's still wrapped around her and pushes past him, heading for the door as if this was all there was left to say on the matter of their relationship.

"Tara, wait." Jax turns and reaches for her, catching her by her hand right before she can walk out of the room. "I promise ..." The words die down on his lips.

The tug on her hand makes her stop and she looks over her shoulder back at him, giving him a quizzical look, a silent challenge to come up with a promise he hadn't made and broken before. The list was short.

"I promise this time will be different." He quickly adds the remaining words, thinking that they'll evoke some kind of hope in her.

Tara's still looking back at him, and she's quite proud at herself that so far she's been able to fight back the tears. "It always starts out different, but it always ends the same." She replies and by the look on his face it's clear to see that that is not what he wanted to hear at all.

He steps closer to her again, still holding onto her hand and she gives him the courtesy of turning towards him.   
He's well aware that this is not only her way of giving him another chance to speak, but she's also giving him her undivided attention, and he knows to better make it count. "I know that you think this is it for us. You said last night that we're broken beyond repair and maybe you really believe that there's no coming back from the things we've done, but ... but what if you're wrong, babe?" 

He steps even closer now, stopping right in front of her, reaching for her other hand as he's holding her steely gaze, "We've been here before, roles reversed and you were the one who said that it makes us better human beings when we're with the person we're supposed to be with."

"Don't do that." She angrily pulls her hands out of his, considering this a low blow, shaking her head at him in disbelieve, her eyes suddenly shooting daggers at him, "You don't get to use my own words against me."

"It's the damn truth though." He replies solemnly, without skipping a beat. "You know it was the truth back then and it still is now."

Tara folded her arms in front of her, shaking her head again, "Back then I was still naive enough to think that our love could pull as through, come what may. I don't believe that anymore, Jax." She lied, sort of. Deep down she still did hang onto that hope that true love could heal all wounds, but the problem was that she was no longer willing to put that theory to the test. She just couldn't put her heart and soul through it all again, just to be presented with yet another obstacle, another lie or betrayal in the form of another warm body in his bed.

He's wracking his brain how to reply to that. Had he really broken her to the point that she had not an ounce of hope left for them. He didn't want that to be true, refused to let that be true.  
"I still believe it!" He blurts out, a strange desperate tone to his voice that not only surprises her, but himself as well. "You're the one, Tara. You always have been and god fucking knows you always will be. Just like I'm the one for you. We've done it all before. We let this cruel world break us apart, come between us. And it doesn't matter how many times we've tried to walk away from each other, or tried to make it work with someone else, in the end it always comes back to this, back to us ... we always come back to each other."

She's trying her best to fight back the onslaught of emotions his words evoked in her. She wants to hate this optimistic side of his, wants to debunk every word of love he'd spewed at her, but her heart betrays her and she fails miserably. A moment passes and she can see the hope in his baby blue eyes as they bore into hers, clearly searching for a sign that she feels the same way. She shakes her head at him, steeling herself against the unwelcome feelings. 

Someone's heart won't make it out of here unscathed tonight.  
His or hers! She doesn't want it to be hers again.   
She knows her heart can't take it, not again. She's done being his emotional punching bag. Simply done letting her irrational feelings for him rule over what she knows in her head, and somehow she has to make him see it to. 

"Maybe we were never supposed to be together and that's why we were never able to make it work." She replies bitterly and she can see the disbelieve in his eyes at her words. A twinge of regret running through her, as if her ugly words are soiling Thomas' existence, yet she won't back down now. Not now when she finally feels like she has the upper hand. "I think you were right all along, when you said I should've gone back to Chicago. The Kohn thing should've been the end!"

She's met with nothing but a stunt silence from him as he runs both his hands across his weary face, and with a pang in her heart Tara wonders if this will finally be the end.   
She feels like she won the argument, but lost the war, because it doesn't feel like a victory at all. No cheers or applause here for her.

It feels like the end of their marriage!

She watches him turn away from her, still hiding his face in his hands and the thought that he might be crying almost makes her want to take back all the ugly things she'd said. But she can't bring herself to do that. She won't apologize, won't back down ... she's come too far to let him break her now.

Just when she's about to open her mouth to let him know that she'll head to bed now, he spins back around on her, and the words never make it past her lips when she sees his red rimmed eyes flashing almost angrily at her.

Her words to him from all those months ago come to the forefront of his mind.   
I have sacrificed everything for you!   
He had thought that he could understand the pain and sorrow she must've felt that day, alone and broken at the mercy of him and the club, but now that he finds himself standing in her shoes, pondering over everything he's sacrificed for her now, the truth behind those words shatter him to the very core and nearly cripple him.

"I did everything you wanted me to do. Everything you asked." He says with an uncharacteristic shaky tone to his voice.

The Club, Charming, Gemma - all gone! For you!

The words 'too little too late' come to her mind, but they seem mean and ugly and she can't bring herself to be that cruel to say them out loud, no matter how true they were.  
So she contemplates his words to her and quickly realizes the lie in them, "That's not true!"

"I left SAMCRO. For you." He doesn't miss a beat, his eyes trained on her face, daring her to argue that to be a lie.

"I asked you to leave with me four months ago. I practically begged you to come with us, Jax." Tara folded her arms in front of her, "But when push comes to shove, it always ends the same. You'll always choose the club over me and the boys."

He shakes his head at that, even though he knows deep down there's truth to what she's saying. "I'm here now." He quips back.   
She had to understand the tough choices he's had to make. There had to be a way to make her see that he would've come with her if he'd seen any other way. "I'm sorry I couldn't leave with you. I wish I could have, but you have to understand, babe ... the club needed me."

"I NEEDED YOU!" She shouts back at him, unable to keep the hurt and pain contained any longer and tears begin to well up in her eyes. "I needed you!" She repeats again, this time more quiet and calm, looking away now and wiping at the tears in her eyes.

He's also running his hands over his face, the truth behind those three words almost destroying his resolve to keep fighting her on this. Maybe she was right, maybe they should just try to be the best parents they could be and give each other's hearts a chance to heal.  
He sighs and lifts his head to look at her, the apology already on his tongue when he notices the small figure donning monster truck pajamas appear in the doorframe behind Tara.

"Are you fighting?" Abel asks, his voice sleepy, and the bright lighting makes him squint as his eyes travel from his father back to his mother.

Tara frantically wipes the tears away, not wanting to let Abel see her like this, before she turns towards him.   
"No, baby, we were just talking." Her voice is soft, warm and soothing, so different sounding than the angry and hurt tone in her voice from mere seconds ago when she'd been shouting at her husband. Tara runs her hand through Abel's blond hair and can't help but wonder just how much he had heard.

"We didn't mean to wake you up, buddy." Jax adds to further reassure him and steps closer to them both.

"Is it morning yet?" He asks and rubs the sleep from his eyes, the brightness of the room still bothering him.

"No, honey." Tara coos and proceeds to scoop their son up into her arms, "It's the middle of the night. It's still dark outside."  
"Let's get you back to bed." She says but turns towards Jax with Abel in her arms, "Give your daddy a good night kiss."

Jax leans in and Abel puckers up in the exaggerated way he often does and kisses his father on the cheek.   
"Good night, Abel." Jax runs his hand through the boys hair before Tara turns and carries their son back to his bedroom.

Jax follows right behind them, but stops and watches from the doorframe as Tara tucks their oldest back into bed and kisses his forehead. The sight strengthening the resolve he'd almost lost mere minutes ago.  
This is what he was fighting for.

He steps back and out of the way when she walks back out and quietly closes their bedroom door behind her, trying her best to not wake Thomas up too. The youngest Teller wouldn't go back to bed this easily.

They both share a rueful glance in the hallway, neither of them liking the idea of Abel overhearing their argument. 

He wishes momentarily he could call for a time-out, take a knee, give himself a moment to reassess and actually come up with a thought-out plan, because so far nothing he's said to her seem to make a difference. But he knows he doesn't have that luxury, doesn't have a moment to spare. Not at three o'clock in the morning.   
He'll have to think on his feet and hope he doesn't fuck this up any more than he already has.

Jax nods in the direction of the living room, gesturing with his hand for her to go first and she wordlessly complies.

Tara doesn't stop in the living room though and instead continues on to the kitchen. Since she was expecting their heated discussion to continue any minute now, she wants to put as many walls as possible between the boys and them this time.

"That felt shitty." She almost whispers, and leans back against the kitchen counter.

"I know." He agrees, taking a seat at the kitchen table and runs a hand over his face, trying to figure out how or where to even start this conversation yet again.

"I'm not willing -." He starts, but stops abruptly, correcting his own words, "I just can't give up on us, Tara. Not now." He looks up at her with newfound determination in his eyes reflecting back at her. "There is nothing you could say or do that would make me walk away. I'm here, babe, and I'm not going anywhere."

Tara looks away and lets out a humorless chuckle at the irony of his timing. It was sad, really. In the past she'd spend countless nights wishing and hoping that he'd fight for her the way he was now. Saying the words he'd just said. And now that he was here, doing just that, she's too damaged, too broken inside to allow him to get that close to her again.   
From this point forward it's a matter of self-preservation ... she has to make a clean break, no more blurred lines about what they are to each other, if not for her own sake, then for the sake of their children.

Jax watches her expectantly from his seat just a few feet away. "Say something, please." He begs when she still remains silent after a minute.

"What do you want me to say?" She shrugs her shoulders in an annoyed kind of fashion, "I mean, everything I've been saying to you since you got here Friday afternoon just seems to go in one ear and come right back out the other. It's obvious you haven't listened to a damn thing I've said." She sighs in frustration and thinks about her next words for a second. 

"I've been in love with you for so long." Her sad eyes meet his across the room, and she shakes her head at herself, "Even when I left for college, and then Chicago, I never really stopped." Her chin quivers for a second, and a tear trickles down her cheek, but she's quick to wipe it away.   
"And then I came back to Charming, and for a while it felt right, you know." She takes a deep shaky breath. "But I honestly don't remember what it feels like to not love you, to not be in love with you. There's just no remnants of the girl I was before I fell for you, but I think I miss her." 

Jax feels slightly confused, not entirely sure what she's trying to tell him, but feels the sudden need to clarify that he feels the same way about her. "I've never stopped loving you either. You know that." He adds for good measure.   
"So why are you making this so difficult?" He dares to throw the question at her. "After all this time, all the years spend apart, here we are still in love. Still crazy about each other." His heart is pounding in his chest and all he wants to do is throw her over his shoulder, carry her to her bedroom, and show her until the sun comes up just how much he means every goddamn word.

He watches her take another deep breath before taking the few steps towards him, and for a fraction of a second he wonders if she's sharing his idea. Wonders if she's coming to take him by the hand and pull him along into her bedroom with her. 

But before he can even finish that thought she settles in the chair right across from him instead.

Their eyes meet across the kitchen table, and he can see her swallow hard before she opens her lips to talk, "I'm scared. You didn't just break my heart, Jax, you shattered it into a million pieces ... and now you show up here as if nothing ever happened. Asking me to let you take another swing at it, when I'm still trying to put it back together, still trying to repair the damage you've done to it the last time around."

He gets it.   
He doesn't like it, but at least he gets it now. The logic behind her unwavering resistance against the idea of picking up where they'd left off, in the parking lot of the motel. It finally makes sense to him, but that doesn't mean her words aren't breaking his heart as well.

He suddenly can't help but think about the frown on her face when he'd told Abel that he was going to stay, and the words jumble from his tongue past his lips before that little voice inside his head can stop him, "Do you even want me here?" He's not even sure he really wants to hear the truth, but that thought follows a little too late.

His question catches Tara off guard, but she recovers instantaneously. "Of course." She says before she adds, "The boys are -."

"I'm not asking about the boys." He cuts her off. "I'm asking about you and me. Do you want me here?"

Tara swallows the lump in her throat and stares back at him as the seconds tick by while she's thinking about how to answer him.

And he'd be lying if he said that the fact that she has to think about it at all, doesn't crush his spirits. He feels a sudden rage building inside of him, feeling like a dumbass to have thought this is what she wanted, but before he can even say anything she finally speaks up.

"And if I say no, you'll just run back to Charming?" She dares to spout a question of her own back at him instead of an answer.

He knows he should probably be offended by her accusation and the way she halfheartedly disguised it as a question, but there's a hint of truth in it.   
He loves his sons, he truly does, and he's missed them, but they're not why he's here. Abel and Thomas were not the deciding factor that tipped the scale when he weight his decision to leave SAMCRO or not.  
She was!   
And if she doesn't want him, then he's not really sure what he's going to do.

He knows just how pathetic he sounds when he reaches across the table and grabs a hold of both her hands.   
Not gentle or sweet, but with a hard demanding tug. "Then give me a reason not to."

"The boys -" She tries to start again and again he cuts her off just like before.

"The boys have you. They sure as shit don't need me." He quips back, and he knows his words aren't going to win him any father-of-the-year awards any time soon.

"That's not true." She's just as quick in her rebuttal. "If anyone knows how important it is to have both parents in their life, it's you and me."

He knows there's truth in those words as well, but he'd be damned to admit defeat already.

A long moment passes between them, with neither of them saying a word.   
And he hates it, hates the thought that this is how it all could possibly end. He's equal parts furious and confused. He wishes she would've just lied to him, could've lied and just said 'Yes, I want you here', but she didn't and even thought he loves her so much, right now he hates her for not fighting for them.   
He broods and tries to figure out where to channel all the anger that's coursing through his veins, knowing full well that yelling and shouting at her won't really solve anything at all.

It suddenly becomes crystal clear to him. This wasn't about them, this is all about him, the other guy.   
The one she's screwing.  
The words that come out of his mouth then are hurtful and mean and he doesn't possess the willingness to even try to censor them. "So you just want me here for the boys. Want me to help you raise them, and pick them up from the babysitter if you're working late, or if you're out on hot date with your new man." He shoots her a look of disgust before he adds, "Want me here watching them while you're sleeping your way through the town."

Tara pulls her hand out of his grip and lunches at him across the table at such a speed, he never even saw it coming. The slap echoing in the room and he can instantly feel the welt the size of her hand form and pulse across his cheek.

She's standing now, towering over him for a brief moment until he stands up too.   
"You -." She raises her voice, but then catches herself, pauses, and if looks could kill he would have already dropped dead to the floor. Her chest is heaving, and she can barely contain the venom in her voice when she starts again, more quietly this time. "You don't get to call me a whore!"

She starts to head for the door, but Jax steps in her way, blocking her only way out.   
His left cheek feels like it's on fire, and he raises his hand up to his face, running his fingers over the damage. An even deeper sting ensues.   
It's not like it was a right hook or anything, but she sure as shit had laid it on him. And as if the slap has helped clear some of the different noises in his mind, he realizes he had this one coming.

"Get out of my way, Jax." She demands, and folds her arms again in the way she often does, signaling that her guard is up. She's not sorry, "We're done here."

Jax doesn't miss a beat and with just one long stride he's on her, like a moth to the flame.   
His lips crush onto hers with such a force that she stumbles backwards, losing her footing and no doubt would have fallen had he not grabbed her and pulled her hard against him instead.

A sudden pain shoots through his bottom lip and he pulls back, a look of disbelieve in his eyes when he sees her dignified smirking back at him. His hand reaches up, touching his lip and he recognized the red hot substance on the tip of his fingers.  
She fucking bit me!  
He runs his tongue over the small wound, keeping the blood from trickling down his beard.

If her love bite was supposed to deter him, no such luck, because it seems to clearly have the opposite effect. 

"You wanna play rough, babe?" He asks through gritted teeth, before his lips once more crush powerfully onto hers.   
But that's where that thought already stops, because he won't bite her back hard enough to draw blood, and he would never hit her either.   
So the only thing he can think of to do is rip her black button-down shirt open with such vigor, that every button pops off, flying every which way across the kitchen floor. 

She must've liked that 'cause she finally allows him entrance to her mouth, and he's more than pleased with the way she gasps, when his hands tug her shirt back. He begins to knead her beautiful breasts through the lacy fabric of her bra, his thumbs skillfully teasing her already hardened nipples, causing her to moan against his mouth.

They kiss deeply, tongues dueling for dominance, the metallic taste of blood an odd aphrodisiac. 

Jax wraps his hands around the curve of her ass, picks her up with ease and hoists her onto the edge of the kitchen table right beside them. Nudging her thighs apart so he can wedge between them, grinding against her and being instantly rewarded with yet another moan of approval from her.

Meanwhile she's made quick work on the buttons of his flannel shirt, and he drops his hands to his side, straightening his arms to make it easier for her as she's trying to push the garment past his broad shoulders and off of him. 

The speed with which his hands unbutton and unzip her jeans, not nearly reflect the pressing urgency he feels to finally have her. To be inside of her. Again.

His right hand glides inside her jeans, finding her hot, moist and ready for him.   
His fingers skillfully push the already soaked fabric of her panties aside, allowing him to glide said fingers along her wet swollen folds in search for the little nub.  
God, he wants her so bad!

But just as he begins to tease her pleasure point, he can sense her tensing up beneath his hands.

Something happened, there was a shift and she pulls away from his kiss, lowering her head avoiding his confused look. He can literally feel her whole body freeze up and her hands still, clutching the bottom hem of his white t-shirt, no longer exploring beneath it.

"I can't do this." She says and then has the audacity to actually look up at him.

Considering he's knuckle deep inside her right now, he'd like to shrug her words off as nothing but a sick and cruel joke, a way to get back at him for spouting those hate filled words at her just moments ago. But the look in her moistened eyes tells him that she's serious.

Fuck it!  
He decides to ignore her, crushing down on her in a fiery kiss and pumping the full length of two fingers as deeply into her as the awkward angle of his wrist allows, grunting his desire for her into her mouth.

She didn't expect him to do that and finds herself helpless to stop the guttural moan that escapes her lips, flushing with embarrassment that such a sound could come from her.

She regains her train of thought, pulls her lips away from his again and pushes hard against his chest, causing him to stumble back now, his hand involuntarily slipping from her jeans.  
"I mean it, Jax, you have to stop. I don't want this ... I can't do this."

He looks at her confused, he doesn't understand, but before he can ask her what he did wrong, before the words 'what happened' can even make it past his bloodied swollen lips, she answers the question for him.

With tears in her eyes, and a quivering chin she explains, "I can't do to him what you did to me." Further driving home the point that she's the good guy here and he's the piece of shit.

It feels like another slap to the face for him, and he stands there dumbfounded staring back at her when the realization hits him that she actually has real feelings for that other guy!

"I'm sorry." She says quietly, her sad eyes meeting his and her words snap him out of his stupor.

He steps back towards her and pulls her shirt closed over her chest, but his finger itch to touch her just one more time. He doesn't though, "I'm sorry too."

He bends down at the waist, picking up his flannel shirt off of the floor and pats the chest pocket, checking if his pack of cigarettes is still in there.

With his flannel shirt in one hand he turns back towards her and cups her chin with his other free hand. Before she knows what he's doing, he presses his lips hard against hers one last time, then he pulls away just a little, their noses so close they almost touch when he stares back into her red rimmed eyes, "It's time to break up with him, babe."

He then turns on his heels and walks away, straight out the front door without looking back and when the door falls shut behind him, she falls back onto the kitchen table and sighs.

X  
Jax's fingers shake when he's trying to light his cigarette.  
He had to get the hell out of there, away from her before he'd end up doing something she didn't want him to. Something they'd both end up regretting.

He shakes his head at himself, wondering how things got so twisted and so fucked up between them, but deep down inside he knows he's the one mostly to blame.

His thoughts are all over the place ... nothing's adding up inside his head. He's burdened with regret. Not in the way he'd kissed or touched her, but ignoring her pleas to take pity on her heart.  
I'm still trying to put it back together, still trying to repair the damage you've done to it the last time around.  
He can practically hear her shaky voice inside his head.

And he'd stomped right through her guard, not only taking a swing at her heart, but he'd knocked the damn thing clear out of the park. A fucking home run!  
That, he regrets!

He takes another long drag, vowing to himself he'd figure out a way to fix it. 

He knows it's wrong, but he can't resist the urge and raises his right hand up to his nose, closing his eyes when his nostrils fill with the scent of her. She even smelled like perfection.  
"Jesus Christ." He mutters to himself at his own action, shakes his head, but unable to keep the smile from his face. 

Who the fuck was he kidding? She had him so whipped.   
Even if she told him straight to his face that she didn't want him here, he wasn't going anywhere. No way, no how.  
He brings his fingers up to his nose and takes yet another whiff, like a junkie, unable to get enough.  
She wanted him just as bad though. That's what this smell represents, her wanting him!

She might not have said it out loud, but he considers the fact that she'd let it get this far between them, as her way of giving him a reason to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XXXXXXXXXX  
> End Note: Please review and let me know what you think. Thanks.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Tara closed her eyes and took in a shaky breath. A single tear rolled down her temple, disappearing into her brown hair, before she had a chance to wipe it away. She covered her face with both hands, trying to stifle the sobs she was no longer able to hold in. She allowed herself another moment to give into the hurt and pain and confusion, brought on once again by her ongoing inner turmoil of her heart versus her mind.

Wiping the last of her tears away, she took a cleansing breath and then quickly sat up. She scooted off of the kitchen table, and stood, but feeling weak in the knees she reached back and braced herself on the table ledge until she found her footing. She quickly zipped and buttoned her jeans closed, before wiping at her teary eyes once more.

Tara hastily disappeared into the bathroom, not wanting to wait around for him to come back, and locked the door behind her. She turned the shower on, stripped out of her clothes and stepped inside before the water had even warmed up. Gasping as the cold water hit her skin, she submerged completely under the stream. The coolness seemed to jolt her out of her stupor, clear her mind and once the water began to warm up she was able to get her breathing under control as well.

While the water cascaded down her body, she couldn't help herself but think back on everything that had happened since Friday afternoon, when Jax appeared at her door as if nothing ever happened. Every moment, every look, every word and every touch replayed in her head on what seemed like an infinite loop.  
Here she was, not even forty-eight hours later and he'd already managed to turn everything upside down and twist it up. Her routine, her mind, her heart ... and within the last hour her new relationship with John too.

She wondered temporarily how it was possible to not just loathe someone as she did in this very moment, but also love and lust so wholeheartedly after them in the exact same breath.  
It seemed like such a cruel joke to her, for all those emotions to co-exist alongside one another.

X  
Tara climbed into bed, her muscles aching with exhaustion, trying her best to fall asleep. Trying to quiet down those voices - his voice- inside her head all the while wishing she could ignore the yeaning she felt for him as well.

This wasn't supposed to happen like this. He wasn't supposed to just show up here after months and practically demand from her to take him back. 

He couldn't truly believe that it would be that easy, that she would be that easy. Was he really thinking that she'd just been sitting here, waiting and longing for him and that she'd just greet him back in her life with open arms and back in her bed with open legs.

Tara rolled onto her back in frustration. All she wanted was some sleep, she needed some sleep. But she knew sleep would never come, if she couldn't find a way to drown out his words in her head, if she couldn't find a way to deal with the still tingling of her skin where he'd touched her.

I hate him!  
She tried to tell herself, and almost wished it would be true, because then she could truly move on from him, and his words, his kiss or his touch wouldn't mean anything to her at all. She'd be able to shrug it off, shrug him off as if nothing had ever happened.

I hate him!  
She tried the words out in her head again as she untied her sweatpants and slipped her hand inside, her hand following the same path his hand had taken earlier. She needed to sleep, and this was the only way she'd get any rest tonight. At least that's what she was trying to tell herself to justify her actions.

Tara bit her own lip, trying to suppress the moan forming in the back of her throat, when her own fingers began slipping back and forth over her wet folds, but she imagined they were his fingers instead.  
I hate him ... so much!  
X

Tara groggily turned onto her left side and tried her best to get comfortable again, absentmindedly adjusting the position of the beige colored pillow under her head, and tugging the comforter all the way up under her chin. She remained like that for a couple more minutes, trying to fall back asleep, but to no avail.

She blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the light that managed to shine through the small slits in her bedroom blinds. Frustrated that she couldn't fall back asleep, she rolled back onto her back, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, before she reached for her cell phone that lay charging on her nightstand beside her.  
The time displayed on her cell phone screen read one in the afternoon, and Tara had to do a double take before that actually sunk in and she quickly pushed herself up into a sitting position. 

The previous couple of times when she'd had to work the weekend E.R. shift, she'd have the boys spend the night at Misses Ellie's place, and she'd set her alarm for no later than 9am and head on over there to pick them up.  
But since Jax had picked the boys up after he'd gotten home from his job hunt yesterday, she hadn't bothered to set an alarm, because she'd assumed she'd be awakened by either Abel, Thomas or the both of them together, demanding juice, breakfast and early morning cartoons like they did pretty much every weekend.

She stood, slipped into her grey robe, before she decided to find out why her apartment, that would normally be filled with giggles or cries of her children, was so oddly quiet. She briefly wondered if maybe Jax had decided to take the boys outside. She could just picture Abel going on and on about the park with the playground just a block from their apartment building.

She wordlessly stepped out of her bedroom door, tying the robe closed around her, passing by the open bathroom door and glancing inside, before she ventured the few steps further into the living room. 

Toys were strewn across the carpeted floor, and Tara stepped over and around them like she'd done countless times before, making her way through to the kitchen.

"Christ." She muttered under her breath when she took in the sight in front of her.  
Judging by the mess throughout the kitchen, Jax had made lunch. There were pots and pans still sitting on the stove, dirty plates, cups, napkins and silverware still sitting on the table. Macaroni and cheese were smeared across the surface of the table, some had fallen beneath the table as well. She spotted a half eaten chicken nugget on one of the chairs, and red - what she assumed - ketchup stains on the linoleum floor.  
At least they ate!

Okay, so they played in the living room, ate lunch and left a mess in the kitchen, Tara wondered to herself. She noted Jax's cell phone and keys sitting on the kitchen counter and as she glanced back into the living room, she also noticed the boys' shoes sitting on the floor and their jackets still hanging on the coat hooks next to the front door.  
Since her park theory was out of the question now, she finally managed to put two and two together in her still sleepy mind, turned on her heels to head back into the direction of the bedrooms.

She carefully turned the door knob and pushed the door open, and just like she'd predicted found all three of them fast asleep for an afternoon nap in Abel's twin sized bed.  
Jax was lying bare-chested on his back in the middle, a children's book left laying open across his stomach. Left and right of him, neatly tucked in the nook between Jax's strong arms and his torso, with their heads slightly perched up on his chest, were Abel and Thomas.

All three of them were fast asleep and looked downright angelic, and Tara couldn't help but smile at the sight. Her heart just melted and it took everything she had, not to take the few steps into the room, and climb into bed with the most important people in her life.  
But for one, there wasn't enough room, and two, she really didn't want to accidentally wake them either, they simply looked too peaceful to disturb.

She reached for the door handle and was just about to back out of the room, pulling the door shut with her, when a floorboard creaked under her shift in weight. Little Thomas stirred in his sleep, moved his body to the right instead, resting his little forehead against Jax's bicep now and in doing so exposed the left side of his father's chest.  
That's when she saw it and froze in place. Her name spelled out on his chest in old-english-font, big black letters!  
Tara

She was baffled, shaking her head to herself in disbelieve.  
When had he done this? And most importantly why?  
Tara stared at it for another long minute, but when she could feel the tears well up in her eyes, she finally tiptoed out of the room and quietly closed the door behind her.  
She wanted to walk over to him and run her fingers across the letters, feel the slightly raised flesh of the newly inked skin beneath her fingertips ... so yeah, she had to get the hell out of there before she did any of those things and made yet a fool of herself again, like she had last night.

She went back to the kitchen, and began cleaning up the mess that Jax and the boys had left behind. Carefully, methodically and most of all very quietly, since she was not ready to face him just yet.  
She also thought if she kept herself busy, it would help distract her, but truthfully it didn't help at all.  
Her mind kept going back to the tattoo, and the different scenarios whirled around in her head why he'd go and get her name permanently written onto his skin.

Why would he do something so incredibly stupid? Why?  
This couldn't possibly just be some sort of ploy to get her back? Some sort of plea for her to take him back, because he had eternally marked himself for her ... with her name! Forever! 

Ugh! He couldn't be stupid enough to think that that would work on her? Could he?

But dammit, it did work ... a little at least. Because here she was on her hands and knees, scrubbing dried on ketchup off of the floor and all she could do is picture him in the tattoo parlor. 

She could practically hear the buzzing of the ink supplying needle as it penetrated his pale skin, could see the way he'd clench his jaw on the rare occasion when it actually stung.  
He'd be sitting there bare-chested, the guy asking him who this Tara was and him proudly answering that she was his old lady.  
She could just picture it play out like that, and as much as she tried to fight those feelings that stirred up in her because of it, as much as she wanted to hate it, she didn't ... she simply couldn't.  
Her name on his chest ... she loved it!

Her mind went back to a conversation she'd had with him, prior to her getting his Crow tattooed onto her lower back. How she'd naively ask him if he'd get something to represent their bond too, something that told the world he was hers as much as she was his.  
But Jax had been quick to explain that it didn't work like that. The reaper on his back meant he belonged to SAMCRO, and the Crow on her back meant she belonged to him.  
That was their bond. And that's how it worked.

So naturally, she wondered what had changed his mind and what was it supposed to mean?  
How was she supposed to react if he'd walk in here without his shirt on? What was she supposed to do?  
It was right there, on his left pec, right in her face and pretending that she didn't see it if he walked in here right now was simply out of the question.

Tara got up off the floor, put the spray cleaner in her hand back under the sink, making sure the child proof lock clicked back in place, and threw the dirty paper towel into the trash can.  
She put the last couple of dirty dishes into the dishwasher, put the dishwashing tablet in the little compartment before she shut the machine and turned it on.  
She looked around the kitchen one last time, seeing if she'd missed anything that needed cleaning. Her eyes falling onto the pile of black buttons sitting on the kitchen counter, Jax must've picked up off of the floor this morning. Her cheeks flushed when her mind drifted back to last night again. 

She needed to clear her mind, get out of the apartment and away from him for a little while, she needed some time to think and she needed to clear her conscience as well, so she turned and headed back to her bedroom.

Sitting on her unmade bed, she knew what she had to do. Everything that had happened with Jax was just eating at her, and there was nothing she could do about any of it ... with the exception of one thing. 

With trembling hands she picked up her phone and texted John, asking him if she could come over to his place to see him today. She knew he'd probably be surprised since in the past she'd always told him that her Sundays were only reserved for spending time with her boys, but she was pretty sure he'd be willing to meet with her even on such short notice.

So without even waiting for his reply, Tara began looking for the right outfit, trying on a few different ones before making a final decision. She fixed her make-up and was just brushing out her hair, still deciding what to do with when her phone buzzed away on her nightstand, indicating that she'd gotten a new message. She quickly picked it up and read John's reply.  
'On a Sunday? I feel honored. I'm home, come over any time. Can't wait to see you, honey.'

Tara felt like she was going to be sick. He was so blissfully oblivious about the heartbreak she was about to inflict on him, and she hated herself for it. But the guilt about what had happened, and what almost happened with Jax last night was eating her up inside, and she knew what she had to do.

X

"I want Juice." Thomas babbled out loud, poking at his father's cheek with his little finger in an attempt to not only wake him, but actually gain his attention.

Jax stirred and slowly opened his eyes, sleepily looking from the son on his right to the son on his left.

"I'm thirsty too." Abel said, before climbing out of bed, looking over his shoulder at his younger brother, "Come on, Tommy."

Thomas climbed over his father to get out of bed, and scurried away after Abel, trying to catch up with him.

Jax propped himself up onto one elbow, rubbing the sleep from his eyes with his other hand, "Hold up, boys, don't make more of a mess."

He couldn't help the big yawn when he finally hoisted himself up of the low sitting bed and groggily followed his sons out of the room.

Upon leaving the boys' bedroom, Jax took note of Tara's slightly ajar bedroom door, he tentatively knocked, but after no reply he pushed it further open and peeked inside.  
The first thing he noticed was the still lingering smell of her perfume in the air, he loved that smell. It was flowery, sweet even, and it subtly complimented Tara's natural scent ... the complete opposite of his mother's sense-overwhelming choice of fragrance. 

He was surprised that her bed was unmade, which was very unlike her, and he also noted the different set of tops and jeans haphazardly thrown onto the bed. The pile of clothing reminiscent of a teenage version of her and the indecisiveness in her choice of outfit at that younger age, made him raise his eyebrows in surprise.

However, his attention was quickly brought back to the boys when he heard the distinct sound of a chair getting dragged across the kitchen floor, and he hurriedly followed the source of the noise into the kitchen.

Jax made it into the kitchen just in time to stop Abel from climbing onto the kitchen counter.  
"What do you think you're doing, son?" He grabbed him before he could complete his task.

"I'm getting a cup." Abel replied as if there was nothing to it, and Jax placed the child safely back onto the ground. 

Jax pushed the chair back towards the table, taking note that Tara had apparently cleaned up after them while they'd been napping the afternoon away.

He proceeded to get his sons something to drink, and was just about to reach for his phone to call her and find out where she's at, when he noticed the notepad on the table instead. A message from her scribbled on it.  
'Had to run an errand. I'll be back soon. - T'

Frustrated he tossed the notepad back onto the table and ran a hand through his long hair, brushing it out of his face, before mindlessly running his finger over the small scab that had formed on the left side of his lower lip. 

He had a pretty good idea just what kind of 'errand' she was running, judging from her indecisiveness of what to wear and the smell of perfume in the air. The thought that she was dressing up for another guy made his blood boil once again.

He watched his boys dipping their chocolate-chip cookies into their milk, and he envied them for the naive innocence they still possessed. 

He shook his head to himself, trying to shake away the images of her and that guy from his mind.  
What was happening to them, to her and him? There was just no fixing anything as long as there was a third person in the mix. How was he supposed to compete with some guy in the shadows. 

Jesus Christ, she wouldn't even tell him his name.

He'd held back as much as he could. Sure, he'd said some hurtful shit last night, but overall he'd tried relentlessly to contain most of his anger to avoid pushing her further away. Further into that guys arms.  
Yet every fiber in his being told him to pull her aside, pin her down and make her talk. Find out who this guy was and then handle it the only way he truly knew how. The club way. The SAMCRO way.  
The only thing holding him back was the knowledge that 'the club way' had never worked out well when it came to anything concerning Tara.

He needed to talk to her, and had hoped that once she'd wake up, they could put a cartoon on for the boys and try once again to talk everything through. But now she was already gone, and he hated the thought of how they'd left things last night.

XX

Jax's head turned when he heard the front door open, and Tara stepped inside. They exchanged an awkward nod in greeting, but neither of them even so much as muttered a 'Hi'.

"Mommy." Abel shrieked excited, but didn't leave his position on the living room floor around the coffee table.

"Mama." Thomas blurted out just as excited as his older brother, and quickly scrambled to his feet to run into his mother's arms.

Tara hugged and kissed the top of Thomas' head, "I missed you guys so much. What're you doing?"

"Coloring." Abel answered and held up his partially colored paper in the air, as if the colored pencils and crayons scattered across the small table weren't a dead giveaway to their current activity.

Thomas pulled his mother further into the room, wanting to show off his art and Tara wordlessly complied.  
She kneeled on the floor between her boys, shrugging out of her light jacket and took her time admiring all the different pictures her boys had drawn in her absence. A sweet smile on her face that didn't really reach her eyes as she tried to listen to her boys explain all the different things they'd drawn.

She could feel Jax's scrutinizing gaze on her every move, but she refused to meet his eyes.  
The moment she'd walked through that door and laid eyes on him, everything she'd thought about on her drive home just now vanished all over again and her mind went back to last night. Not just what had happened in the kitchen, but everything they'd talked about as well.

"Daddy needs to talk to mommy for a minute." Jax startled her out of her thoughts.

She finally looked up at him in surprise.  
The boys didn't seem to mind, and Jax stood from his seat on the couch, his eyes never leaving hers.  
She nodded, "Okay" got up off the floor, and followed him wordlessly into the kitchen.

Tara leaned against the kitchen counter and folded her arms, trying her best to shake the shirtless image of him with her name on his chest from her mind.

He stood across from her, perched up on the edge of the kitchen table. He scratched the side of his beard, trying to act casual when he asked, "Got all your errands run?"

She shrugged her shoulders and smiled awkwardly back at him, "I guess."

An awkward silence filled the room for a long moment as they both seemed lost in thought. From his position at the table he was able to see the boys in the living room. He looked at them for a couple of seconds before pushing himself off of the table and stepped closer to her, out of view from his sons.

He could see how her shoulders tensed the closer he got, but it didn't deter him. He stopped right in front of her and reached up, his palms and fingers gently circling her upper arms, soothingly sliding up and down in an attempt to get her to relax again. To lose some of that tension that was so apparent between them.  
"Babe." He said looking right at her and she met his questioning stare, before he leaned in even further and whispered, "What is happening to us? What the fuck are we doing, Tara?"

She held his gaze for as long as she could, but when the tears started welling up in her eyes again, she lowered her head and looked away. Her voice so high and breaking as she shook her head and whispered back, "I don't know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XXXXXXXXXX  
> End Note: Sorry for the lack of actual interaction between our favorite couple, but I promise I'll make up for it in the next chapter. I hope you like this enough to leave me a couple of thoughts. Thank you for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Author's Note: Thank you so much again for all the reviews!  
Sorry it took two weeks to update, I had a sick kid on my hands, and real life got in the way.  
I feel a little bad that this chapter doesn't move the story along as much as I wanted, but I hope you like it anyway and leave me a few words.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Babe." He said looking right at her and she met his questioning stare, before he leaned in even further and whispered, "What is happening to us? What the fuck are we doing, Tara?"

She held his gaze for as long as she could, but when the tears started welling up in her eyes again, she lowered her head and looked away. Her voice so high and breaking as she shook her head and whispered back, "I don't know."

They stood like that in complete silence for another long moment, before Jax raised his right hand up to her face, tipping her chin up so she'd look back at him again. "Look, you're probably sick and tired of me saying this, but we need to talk this through. We need to try to figure this out."

"I know." Tara replied, nodding her head in agreement and sidestepped away from him, out of his grasp so she could dare a peek into the living room at their sons.  
She folded her arms again and looked back at Jax from her position by the door now, "Not in front of the boys though. I don't want them to see us fight." Her voice so low, it was almost a whisper.

"Who says we're gonna fight?" Jax asked daring a couple steps towards her again.

Tara tilted her head to the side as if she was assessing him, before giving him a pointed look and stating the obvious, "We both know we're gonna fight."  
She dared another glance in the living room, her eyes on the kids when she added, "The boys are so happy to have you back, I don't want to ruin that for them."  
She sighed deeply and looked back at him, "If I can help it I don't want them to see us arguing."

Jax frowned at that and ran his hand over his face, before looking back at her, raising his eyebrows in question, "Any suggestions? You think Misses Ellie could take them for a little while?"

"Maybe." Tara replied, "I just worked so many late hours in the last two weeks, I feel bad asking her to give up her Sunday too."

"Tomorrow's my first day at work. I'm not sure when I'll get out of there." He tried to explain, the meaning obvious, he didn't want to wait another day. 

He stepped up beside her, his eyes shifting from her to Thomas and Abel laughing out loud at something they drew, and he couldn't help but smile at the sound of their laughter. His sons seemingly oblivious to the turmoil their parents were going through, "We could put a cartoon on for them, and at least try."

Tara closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose in obvious frustration before she took in a deep breath, "Let me ... let me call my friend Christy. She might have time to watch them for a little bit."

Jax nodded and watched as Tara stepped into the living room just long enough to get her purse and returned back into the kitchen, fishing her cell phone out along the way, ready to make the call.

X

"Thank you so much" Tara said again, pulling on her Jacket, "You're a lifesaver." She reached for her purse, slinging it over her shoulder.

"We really appreciate this." Jax added as he opened the front door.

"Don't worry about it." Christy said and looked back at Abel and Thomas, both of them busy driving matchbox cars along the floor. "We'll have so much fun. I'll spoil them rotten for you."

"I bet you will." Tara said with relief in her voice that her friend seemed okay with this, "See you later."

Jax started to walk out the door, Tara right behind him and Christy followed, ready to close and lock the door as soon as they left.

"Tara?" Christy said, taking a step out into the hallway, waving her friend back towards her. "I forgot to ask you something." She added as a way to explain.

Tara looked from Christy to Jax, and gave him a nod, "Go ahead, I'll be right out."

Jax nodded and gave Christy one last grateful smile before he disappeared down the staircase, his truck keys jangling in his hand.

Tara took the couple steps back to her apartment door, and tried not to smirk at Christy mouthing the words 'holy fuck' in her direction.

"That's your husband?" Christy whispered when Tara was finally right in front of her, pointing a finger in the direction where Jax had just disappeared to.

"You've seen the picture on my desk, of him holding Abel." Tara whispered back, trying to act like she didn't know what Christy was so worked up about.

"Well, that picture does not do him justice." Christy replied before she added, "I mean, those blue eyes, that smile and that body. He looks like the secret love-child of Chris Hemsworth and Brad Pitt. "

Tara tried not to laugh out loud at that, but Christy's face was just too much.

"Listen." Christy glanced at her wristwatch before reaching for Tara's arm, "It's only four pm. Plenty of time to reconcile if you ask me, and if things go well between you two, just give me a call and I'll stay all night."

Tara shook her head and scoffed, "That's not gonna happen."

"It might." Christy replied with a smirk on her lips, her dimples digging deep into her cheeks, "You should see the way he looked at you when you weren't looking."

"It's not that simple." Tara's smile faded, "I've told you some of the things that happened." She'd given her friend the very -very- abridged version of events.

Christy nodded, "I know and you did, but he's here now, for you and your kids." 

She let go of Tara's arm and gave her friend a gentle nudge towards the hallway, "So go talk things out, get a bite to eat, a couple of drinks, and get a room somewhere. I can have Jason bring me my toothbrush and a change of clothes. I gotta be at work at nine tomorrow morning, so I can stay until eight thirty at the latest. So go." She ushered Tara even further away from the door. "Go get laid." She giggled, winking back at Tara before stepping back inside and closing the apartment door in Tara's face.

X

Jax pulled his pick-up truck into the empty gravel parking lot and shut the engine off. 

Tara dug through her purse, fishing out her cell phone and put it in her pocket. She tried to hide her bag under the bench seat, but realized there was no room.

She looked at Jax, holding up her purse, "Got a place to put this out of sight?"

"Yeah, sure." Jax nodded and grabbed the bag from her, before opening the door and sliding out of his seat.  
Tara got out as well and stepped around to his side just in time to see him move some things around to hide her hand bag under the backseat bench instead.

"Thanks." She nodded, pulling a hair tie from her wrist and tries to gather her brown long hair in a loose bun as she watched him close and lock the doors of his truck.

"How do you even know about this place?" Jax looked around. They were outside of town, seemingly in the middle of nowhere. His eyes following the gravel covered trail that clearly let into a heavily wooded area.

"Christy told me about it ... and I went running here a couple of times."

"Out here? Alone?" Jax said as he followed Tara towards the forest ahead, the weeds waist high to the right and left of them. "By yourself?" She could hear the suppressed outrage in his voice as he dug a cigarette out and quickly lit it, shoving his lighter back into his jean pocket.

Tara shrugged, neither stopping nor looking back at him, regretting already that she was stupid enough to let it slip. The annoyance obvious in her own voice now, "Yes, Jax. Alone."  
She momentarily considered mentioning that she'd felt safer running through these woods by herself than she'd felt in Charming during the last couple months she'd spent there, but she realizes that that's just adding salt to an open wound, so she bites her tongue instead and ventures on deeper into the forest, with Jax following her every step.

A silent moment passes, but she hears the gravel crunching under every heavy step he takes and she can feel his presents closer to her now, he's obviously walking faster to walk up beside her instead of behind her.  
She tries not to smirk at the thought that his pristine white sneakers are probably already covered in a little bit of dirt by now.

The air is a tad more humid here, but still refreshingly cool, and it's dimmer now too that they're surrounded by threes and other foliage. The treetops high above them are touching, natures canopy made of branches and a few remaining leaves that haven't fallen yet, even though they're red and brown already, just dangling in the breeze. 

The gravel path they're on grows wider, when he finally reaches her side, and they can comfortably walk side by side now, with even a little room left to spare between them. Just their elbows barely touching every now and then.

He exhales the smoke through the right side of his mouth away from her, flicking the ashes off of his cigarette between his fingers. Turning his head, watching the small glimmer in the ashes hit the wet ground, making sure it goes out all the way, not wanting to leave a fiery inferno behind them.

He looks over at her then, his eyebrows raised and his forehead a row of horizontal lines, when he asks her out loud, a rhetorical question, "You know how many women are kidnapped, raped or murdered on a daily basis?" 

He wasn't thinking, that much is obvious, and the moment the words leave his lips he regrets them.  
Of course she fucking knows.  
She's lived though almost every scenario and the thought is making him angry and sick all the same.

And then an involuntary image of Darvany Jennings flashes before his eyes, and the guilt and self-hatred comes on in full force, like a solid punch to his gut. The regret of what he'd done making him sick to his stomach once more. He has to look away from Tara, trying to blink away the image of the woman he had taken and murdered. 

A long drag from his cigarette, hoping the nicotine will help with the nauseous feeling that's rising up in him.  
Hypocrite! The voice inside his head is screaming at him, over and over!

Tara rolls her eyes at him and looks away momentarily, completely oblivious to the pained expression that now graces his unshaven face. 

"I can handle myself." She says almost flippantly, hoping that he'll drop it and they can move on to the things they really needed to discuss, instead of wasting their time with his ludicrous outrage of her going alone on a run.  
She wouldn't have been alone if he'd left Charming with her, she wants to point out, but again, she doesn't. 

He wills himself to bury the guilt he's feeling. Trying his best to shake away the thoughts and images in his head and focus all his attention back on the woman by his side instead.  
Wants to be in the here and now with her!

It takes him a moment to catch on to what she'd said, but he finally gets his wits back and manages to continue their conversation, "Meaning what exactly?" Another drag from his cigarette and he slowly exhales.

"Meaning I know how to defend myself." She looks up at him then and sees the quizzical look he gives her.  
She hesitates a moment, before she clears her throat and focuses her attention back to what's in front of her instead, "Right after I moved here I took a self-defense class, and I got a CCL too. A concealed carry license." She explains further.

"I know what a CCL is, Sweetheart." He replies with some amusement in his voice now.  
Darvany is forgotten, buried away again in the back of his mind, with his deepest, darkest and most heinous crimes. If he's honest with himself it scares him to death how easily he can push that darkness in him away and pretend it isn't still there, hiding, lingering beneath the surface.

He steps a few feet in front of her, walking backwards to face her, careful not to trip and looks her up and down, his cigarette hanging loosely from his lip as he raises an eyebrow at her again.

"What?" She asks, stops walking for a moment and puts her hands on her hips, wondering what that scrutinizing look he's giving her is all about. 

He raises his hand to take the cigarette that's hanging from his lip, exhaling a cloud of smoke to his left, tilting his head a bit to the side and making a show of looking her up and down again. "Just curious where exactly you're concealing that gun, babe."

She can feel her cheeks flush slightly at the way his eyes linger on her. She folds her arms then and starts walking again, not wanting to like how his attention on her is making her feel.  
She manages to smile though, yet trying to hide how flustered she is, "Well, at the moment it's concealed in my purse under the backseat in your truck."

He lets out a chuckle, before grinding out his cigarette and falling back in step beside her.  
"You're gonna get me thrown back in jail." He adds, but there's clearly amusement in his voice as he shoves his now empty hands in his pockets.

"For what?" She asks back, her voice also carries a hint of amusement as well.

"Possession of a firearm while on federal release." He says without missing a beat and smiles back at her.

"Right." She dismisses him. He's clearly fucking with her. He's teasing her, she's sure of it.

"The gun's in my truck." He says, and it's obvious that he's enjoying the lightheartedness of the conversation, despite the topic.

"Yeah, but in my purse, somewhere between my little make-up bag, some hair ties and a couple of tampons." Tara replies, smiling herself now. "I'm pretty sure they'll believe that it's mine."  
"Besides." she looks up at him then, a knowing look in her eyes, "I'm not buying it. Jackson Teller has never been unarmed a day in his life." It's an exaggeration of course and they both know it.

He shrugs at that, and smiles again, that boyish smile she longs for, the one she'd barely seen since he'd gotten released from Stockton over two years ago. "I'm not armed right now."

"Really?" She says with doubt and she actually has to laugh at that, his smile reminding her of the boy she fell in love with and she's giving him a look that tells him she knows he's full of it.

"I'm serious." He says, still grinning ear to ear and pulling his unzipped black hoody wide open for her to see that there's nothing hiding underneath it.

She already knew he wasn't wearing his gun holster, but that didn't mean he didn't have a gun on him somewhere. Her eyes drifted down to his feet, his ankles to be exact, and she nodded her head in that direction, "What about that gun?"

Jax stopped walking, pulling both pant legs up, exposing his ankles and half of his lower legs, "Nothing there either, babe."

Tara looks confused back at him, disbelieve in her voice when she stops short and grabs his forearm to get him to stop too, "You really don't have a gun on you?"

"I really don't." He replies earnestly for a moment, before the boyish smile returns to his face, his hands once more pulling his hoody open, "Feel free to frisk me if you want."

She knows he's flirting, but she's too stunned to even acknowledge it.  
She draws her eyebrows together now, clearly confused, and shakes her head, "W-Why? I mean, you've never been a stickler for rules and laws ... ever."

He pushes his hands in his jeans again, the look on his face almost abashed when he answers her, "I'm not takin' any chances this time. Not gonna give 'em a reason to ship my ass back to Charming or Stockton."

She nods her head in understanding, but the surprise is still written all over her face.  
She's speechless, doesn't know what to say to that, and simply follows in step alongside him again. Matching him stride for stride, while she's trying to hide the euphoria she's feeling at this newfound revelation of his.

She lets that happiness wash over her for a long quiet moment, but then the doubt comes rushing back in full force and she resents him for giving her this false hope. She's been lied to one too many times and she'd lost count of the broken promises. She's scared to believe him, scared of being hurt again.

He interrupts her train of thought then, "Last night, you biting my lip. Picked that up in your self-defense class?" He's not even trying to hide the smirk that appears on his face.

His not so subtle way of flirting again and she knows it.  
"Yeah, sure." She says, not a trace of humor in her voice though. She's no longer in a teasing mood and the way she folds her arms yet again makes that crystal clear.

He can sense the shift in her mood and of course wonders what could've cause it, but for the moment he refrains from actually asking her what's wrong.

They walk side by side with an awkward silence between them again for a couple of minutes.

Jax is the first one to speak up, and as much as he tries to think of how to approach this subject with her yet again, without letting his anger get the best of him, he's not sure that he can hold back. 

"We need to talk about the guy you're seeing." There's a sentence he'd never thought he'd be saying to his wife.

Tara lets out a frustrated sigh, "There's nothing left to talk about, Jax."

"Like hell, there isn't." His voice filled with obvious anger now. "There's a guy out there bedding my wife. That shit has to stop!"

He's just about to open his mouth to say something else, when Tara beats him to it, "It's over, okay. You got your wish. We broke up."

"What?" Jax asks, that he's surprised is obvious in the tone of his voice and the way he keeps looking over at her.

She can't really tell for sure, since she refuses to look back up at him, but she'd bet her last dollar that he's smiling.

Tara knows that she owes him no explanation whatsoever, but she's just so incredibly tired of the constant back and forth between them. 

 

She puts her own hands in her pockets now, mimicking him in a way and graving a cigarette to calm her nerves. 

She takes one last steadying breath, before she lets it all out. "That's where I went earlier today. To see him. John. And ... and I told him what happened last night between you and me. He got angry, I mean, rightfully so and we broke up." 

She doesn't really know why her heart is racing in her chest, but it is, and she feels too nervous to look up at him to see his reaction. Instead her heads down, her eyes are trained on the gravel path in front of her as they continue to walk deeper into the forest.

Jax is the one speechless now, mostly because he hadn't seen this coming at all. Hadn't imagined that she'd actually confess what had happened to the other guy, to John, let alone end things with him. 

But fuck if that wasn't the best news he'd heard in god knows how long. It takes everything he has in him to not pull her against him, spin her around like some love-drunk teenager and kiss her 'till she was weak in the knees.

He knows better than to do that though, reaches with his left hand for her right one, literally pulling her hand out of her jean pocket and raises it up to his lips.  
"Thank you." He whispers before placing a gentle kiss against the back of her hand, and the gesture finally draws her eyes up to meet his. 

She knows his 'thank you' is very presumptuous, and for a fraction of a second she considers to point that out to him. But then his eyes meet hers and she sees the hope he feels reflecting back at her, and the need to let him know that she didn't do this for him vanishes in thin air.

She's not sure how, but she manages to pull her eyes away from his and starts walking again, with him falling wordlessly in step right beside her just like before. Their hands drop back down to their sides, yet he's still holding onto her and proceeds to intertwine his fingers around hers.

Tara hesitates for a moment, then decides to return the gesture, wrapping her fingers around his hand.  
A momentarily feeling of contentment rushes over her, but it doesn't last and is quickly replaced by the sudden need to clarify things, "Him being out of the picture doesn't mean you and me are back together. You know that, right?" Looking up at him, searching his face to read his reaction to her words.

He nods his head, looking down at her. He's neither frowning nor smiling, but there's that twinkle of hope in his blue eyes again when he solemnly replies, "I know, babe. But it's a start."

She lets his words sink in as they continue to walk on, hand in hand.

She's emotionally drained and exhausted from the burden of the secrets, the lies and the half-truth she's been keeping for what seems like forever.  
And he's been so hell-bent on them talking this through, figuring this out, and who knows, maybe he's right, for once. So she decides to do just that, even if it ends up pushing them further apart, at the very least she'll have put all her cards on the table. Every single last one!

"There's something else I need to tell you." She breaks the silence and looks up at him, "A lot actually."

"Okay." He replies and gives her hand a gentle squeeze, encouraging her to continue.

"It's about Otto." She starts off and swallows the lump in her throat.

TBC  
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End Note: Please let me know what you think and leave me a few words. I appreciate all of your reviews so much and it keeps me motivated to continue with the story. Thank you!


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

X  
Tara is emotionally drained and exhausted from the burden of all the secrets, the lies and the half-truth she's been keeping for what seems like forever. 

And Jax has been so hell-bent on them talking things through, figuring this out, and who knows, maybe he's right, for once. So she decides to do just that, even if it ends up pushing them further apart, at the very least she'll have put all her cards on the table. Every single last one!

"There's something else I need to tell you." She breaks the silence and looks up at him, "A lot actually."

"Okay." He replied and gave her hand a gentle squeeze, encouraging her to continue.

"It's about Otto." She starts off and swallows the lump in her throat.

"Otto?" Jax raised his eyebrows in confusion as he's looking down at her while they continue walking on ahead.

"Yeah." Tara let out a sigh and nodded. She really wasn't sure where or how to start this whole conversation, but she also knew it needed to happen.   
She wanted to clear her conscience, once and for all. 

Tara cleared her throat, and began, "I lied to you before."

"Lied about what?" Jax was quick to ask before she could elaborate.

She could feel his eyes on her, but she refused to look up at him. She didn't think she could bring herself to say everything that needed to be said if she looked up at him and saw what these revelations did to him.

So she focused her eyes on the gravel covered trail ahead of them instead, and tried to get it all out in one long breath. "That first time I went up to Stockton, I had told you that I didn't get to see him, but that was a lie.   
They brought him in and I did get to talk to him. I told him that I was your wife and why I was there. And of course, he was dismissive and angry. I told him that Bobby was free and that it meant his execution date would get stalled. I pretty much told him everything ... everything we had talked about."

"Okay." Jax chimed in before she could say anything else. He didn't understand why she'd kept it a secret. "Why didn't you tell me any of this?"

"I didn't tell you, because - because when I told him the club needed him to retract his statement, he basically asked me to go down on him." Tara blurted the words out fast, because she needed them finally out of her head. She finally let the breath out she'd been holding.

"What?" Jax said and stopped dead in his tracks turning towards her, pulling on her hand so she'd stop and turn towards him too. A look of confusion in his eyes at first.

"I obviously didn't do it." Tara quickly added just in case there was any doubt in his mind. She pulled her hand from his and folded her arms in front of her yet again, her eyes downcast. She still couldn't bring herself to look him in the eye.

Jax shook his head. He simply couldn't believe what he'd just heard.  
"Tara-." He said with sorrow and disbelieve in his voice, his hand reaching out to her.

"There's more." She quickly cut him off and took a small step back, out of his reach. 

She was trying to get all of this out without falling apart, and she knew the moment he'd touch her or try to comfort her, she'd lose it and break down in tears. 

So she cleared her throat once more, "The next time I saw him, I had brought Luann's perfume and ... anyway, long story short, he jacked-off in front of me." She felt nauseous as those last words crossed her lips, but at last they were finally out.

She had planned to give him all the distasteful details, but now that the moment was actually here, she couldn't bring herself to do so. It already sounded bad enough as it was, so she quickly decided to leave it at that.

"Jesus Christ." Jax exhaled and turned away from her now, both hands covering his face.  
He stood still like that for a long moment, with his back turned towards her he asked, "Did he ... he didn't touch you?"

"No, he didn't." Tara replied quietly, she was sad that things had happened like they did, but most of all she was embarrassed.

His hands left his face, brushing his hair back, and finally dropped back down to this sides. He turned back around, facing her. There was both anger and sadness in his voice when he said, "You should've told me." He raised his eyebrows at her, clearly wondering what she had to say for herself for keeping this from him all this time.

"I know." Tara replied and finally dared to look up at him.

She could see all the different emotions flittering through his eyes, could see the devastation in them, before he clenched his jaw, as if he was fighting the urge to yell and scream at her.  
Against her better judgment she dared to ask, "Are you mad?" She lifted her chin for the verbal blow she figured was about to come her way, "Mad at me?"

"No." Jax shook his head at first, took a deep breath and actually turned away from her again, taking a couple of steps ahead of her. The gesture was obvious, he needed some space to rein in his feelings, his emotions.   
But then he stopped and turned towards her once more, "Yeah, I am actually. I'm fucking pissed."

He shook his head again at her, wishing he could shake away everything he'd just learned, "What the hell were you thinking? Going back there after he asked you to suck his dick? That should've been the goddamn end of it. You should've told me!" He repeated again for good measure.

"I know." Tara nodded again, her own sorrow reflecting in her eyes.

"Why?" He blurted out, his frustration getting the better of him, "Why the hell would you go back?"   
She wasn't exactly sure what he was accusing her off, but none the less there was some sort of accusation in his tone of voice.

"For you." She spat back at him, before she turned away from him now, trying to get her own feelings under control now and struggling to keep those tears from rising in her eyes. Everything was for him!

"I didn't ask you to do that." Jax stepped closer to her again, his anger flaring up once more, "As a matter of fact, I told you more than once that you didn't need to do it."

Tara took in a deep breath and spun back around, this time with a newfound resolve.   
She knew she'd made a mistake, but there was more to this little story then just her shortcomings, "You said you couldn't leave Charming because of the RICO case. So I did what I did, because you promised ..." Her voice broke and she burst into tears then, hiding her face in her hands, unable to finish the sentence, but the message was clear.

Jax wiped at his own eyes as the devastating revelation hit him, that she'd go through that sort of humiliation for him. Just so he'd follow through on a promise he'd made, to leave Charming with her once the RICO case was no longer held over their heads.

He grabbed her roughly by her arms, against her will, and pulled her hard against him as his arms wrapped tightly around her back. He couldn't get her close enough.

Tara stopped struggling against him and sobbed into his broad chest. A mixture of guilt, shame and relief shook through the very core of her. 

"I'm sorry, babe. I'm so sorry." His admission of guilt, he could barely stomach it.

"Shhhhhhhh." He tried to soothe her, brushing his hand over her hair repeatedly, unintentionally unraveling her lose bun.   
He swallowed hard, the feelings of sadness getting replaced by anger once more as he clenched his jaw, "That bastard's lucky he's already dead. I would've made him suffer."

Jax knew he was to blame after all, but the burden of that guilt was hard for him to accept. The list of things he was to blame for was already too long. 

It was much easier to direct all his anger at the other man. At Otto. A man he'd once admired and looked up to, for his undying devotion to the club.

Even after Otto ratted, he still held the man in such high regards because no other member had suffered more for the club then Otto himself. And maybe he also sympathized with the older man, because Jax knew that if roles had been reversed, and Tara had been found beaten to death with another club members semen inside of her while he was locked up, serving time for SAMCRO, he probably would've lost his mind too. Would've done the exact same thing.   
Luann was everything to Otto, just like Tara was everything to him.

But now? Now all that admiration he'd once felt for Otto Delany was replaced with hot boiling anger, and Jax wished he could've been the one who'd put a bullet in the son of a bitch himself.

Jax held Tara in his strong arms, the tight grip he had on her unwavering, until she finally calmed down and her tears subsided.

She pulled away, and even though he didn't want to, he let go of her. 

Jax watched helplessly as Tara turned away from him again, wiping at her eyes, wondering how pathetic she probably looked to him right now. She reached in her jean pocket, pulled out a tissue and wiped at her nose too. She knew the black mascara tears and snot were probably very unflattering.

"Why tell me all of this now?" Jax's voice startled her, it wasn't angry, yet firm. "You thought if you piss me off enough, I'll split? If that's your plan, you're wasting your time, babe. I'm not going anywhere."

She wiped at her nose one last time, before shoving the tissue back into her pocket, spinning around to face him again. 

"There's no plan, Jax." She looked up at him through red rimmed eyes. "Not anymore." She adds and sees the confused look that crosses his face.

Her tears have stopped falling now and she actually dares to step towards him with such a force, that it almost causes him to take a step back from her. Almost!

She pokes a finger angrily into his chest, and then the words just stumbled out of her mouth, she's unable to stop them, let alone censor them, "I had a plan. I came here, found a place to live, got the job I wanted, found a good preschool for Abel, got daycare and babysitters lined up too.   
I did all of that by myself, on top of all the physical therapy and actual therapy, because apparently I also suffer from PTSD now too, from a goddamn attack I can't even remember ... and still, after all that, and even after seeing you with her on the day I left Charming, I still waited. For you!  
Like this pathetic shadow of a woman you've turned me into, I waited for you. Every damn time when your name popped up on my phone I hoped that today would be the day you call to tell me you're done with SAMCRO, and that you are on your way to be with me and the boys.   
But instead I got the same old excuses from you, story after story about what was going on with the club that was keeping you from being with us, and I finally came to my senses, told you to stop telling me about the club.  
So I stopped hoping for you to show up and focused all my attention on being the best mother I can be to those babies, and focused on healing myself, trying to find me again, the one I was before you.   
About three months after I got here I start dating John, and he's a good man, Jax. He's nice and decent and everything a woman could wish for, and that normal life I see for myself seems finally within reach. My kids, my work, my love life, it's all starting to fall into place and I'm so close to finally moving on from you!  
And the next thing I know, my doorbell rings and there you are. Like nothing ever happen, looking at me with your arrogance and demands." And those beautiful blue eyes! She lets out a humorless chuckle and manages to hold back the tears when she looks up at him. She's suddenly out of words.

Tara's revelations are daunting, and in all reality Jax knows that he should drop to his knees in front of her, throw himself at her mercy, apologize for everything he's done and beg her to forgive him. And maybe he will still do that, just not right this very moment. Not now.

Because right now his ears are ringing with Tara's words about John, and his jaw clenches in anger again. He knows he's being immature, and that his rage towards her now is completely uncalled for, especially after everything he's done, but he can't stop himself even if he tried. "Did Mister-Nice-and-Decent get you wet like I do? Like I did last night?" He hisses.

Tara looks away in disgust and shakes her head at his words, "Of course, that's all you heard. Everything else I said went right over your head."

"I heard you just fine." Jax reassures her with venom in his voice and steps closer to her, "But you didn't answer my question. Does he?"

"I'm not doing this." Tara replies and backs away from him, hating him for what he said and hating herself for how his words make her feel, hoping he doesn't notice the blush rising in her cheeks.

"Doing what?" Jax asks and takes two more steps towards her and reaches for her hands, tugging her towards him.

"This." She hisses at him now, "With you." She struggles and pulls her hands away from him. 

He won't let her fight him off that easily though, his hands encircle her waist instead, his fingertips digging into her side, pulling her close against him when he leans down, her hair tickles his face when his lips are just an inch from her ear. The anger seemingly gone from his voice but replaced tenfold with arrogance instead, "We both know he can't get you wet like I do. Can't get you off like I do, babe."

His right hand drops from her waist and grabs her left hand again instead. It's all happening so fast that she doesn't even realize what he's doing until it's too late and he presses her hand hard against the length of his erection. "Just like nobody gets me as hard as you do." His hot breath against her neck makes her shiver.

He's so arrogant and cocky, and the feminist in her loathes the way his actions make her feel. 

How her skin tingles everywhere he touches her, and her cheeks flush in a shade of crimson. How the need for him pools and pulsates painfully between her thighs. 

Hates knowing that if he threw her on the ground right now, onto the dirty gravel beneath them, she wouldn't even put up a fight. She'd watch him with glossed over eyes as he pulls her jeans off of her, and she'd willingly spread her legs for him, watching him climb on top of her in all his perfection. 

She'd be loving and hating every minute of it. But nonetheless, she'd let him.

She's not sure how she finds the resolve to do it, but she pulls her hand out of his once more, bracing herself against his chest and pushing him back and away from her. 

"Sex was never an issue for us." She manages to say, but then dares to look up at him and meets his lust filled eyes.   
She raises her chin in defiance, "It's the sex you have with other women that was the problem."

Jax feels that verbal blow as if it was carried out by her fists. Because she's right!

He stops his advances on her at once, and the arrogant look in his eyes all but disappears, being replaced by guilt instead. "I'm sorry."

He watches her as she turns and walks away from him. Not far, but far enough to let him know she needs some distance, needs a minute, so he gives it to her and remains quietly glued to his spot. His hands disappearing in his pockets as the guilt once more washes over him.

A long minute later, Tara finally speaks up, "In the beginning, we had agreed on full disclosure, but that got lost somewhere and we started lying to each other, keeping things from each other." 

Her change in subject surprises him, and for a long moment he's not sure what she wants him to say.

"I know." It's all he manages to croak out in response.

"Ima." She suddenly says and turns back around to face him, still a couple of feet away from him. "We've spend so many hours talking about why you had done what you've done. Talking about the truth behind your actions. And I remember for the first couple of months in Stockton, every time I came to see you, you just kept on apologizing for it. Begging me to forgive you.   
And I know it's because you were scared I'd run while you were locked up, so you apologized over and over again, until I finally told you that you needed to stop. In order to move on from it, I needed you to stop mentioning it every time we talked."

Jax nodded his head, recalling the events in his mind. 

Remembering how scared he had felt, thinking that she'd split, whenever she didn't answer one of his phone calls. Remembering the helplessness he'd felt when she came to visit him and not knowing if it would be the last time he'd get to see her.   
But then he also remembered the day she told him to stop apologizing, and that he didn't need to worry, that she wasn't going anywhere.   
He felt like he could finally breathe again, after months and months of drowning.

Tara was proud of herself for keeping the tears at bay right now, and if there was any chance at all in them reconciling, she knew she needed to get this off of her chest. 

She reached back into her hair, pulling the loosened black hair tie from her brown curls. Fidgeting with the hairpiece for a moment, busying her hands, before she finally gathered the strength again to look back at his guilt ridden face, "I've spend countless hours thinking about what happened with you and Collette. Walking in on you with her, seeing you with her ... it was probably the worst moment in a series of horrible moments."

"Tara." He said with sorrow in his voice, interrupting her, stepping towards her.

But Tara held up her hand, signaling him to stay away and shook her head at him, "Let me finish. Please."

She looked away and cleared her throat, before meeting his eyes once more. "I thought about it and thought about it, and as much as it hurt to see you with her, as much as I hate you for it, I get it.   
I mean, you had just found out that I had lied to you about being pregnant, lied to you about losing our child, the circumstances of the miscarriage, me blaming your mother for it all.   
And you found out that I was divorcing you, taking our sons away from you. You probably thought I didn't love you anymore and you thought we were over. So I get it. I mean, I wish you would've waited some, grieved for our marriage for longer than a minute before climbing into bed with someone else, but then again, it's you we're talking about here." 

She paused and looked away, fighting the tears and emotions that welled up in her, before she finally had the resolve to continue, "It's just that when I thought about it, all of it, my mind kept going back to that conversation I had with Juice. How he told me about you meeting with Collette, the eagerness with which he scribbled down the address for me, and most of all the knowing look in his eyes."

"It's like he knew, Jax. He knew I'd find you in bed with her. How could he have known what I'd be walking in on?" Tara looked back up at him then, the guilt palpable on his face and the revelation of what that meant brought fresh tears to her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away.

She needed to hear it from him, needed to know the truth, the whole ugly goddamn truth. "So did you? Sleep with her when we were still together?" Her eyes bore into his and when he didn't deny it right away, but looked away and hid his face in his hands instead, she knew she had just gotten her answer.

Tara turned away from him then, the hurtful sob that escaped her throat tore his heart in two. 

He wiped at his own tears and started towards her, "Tara." Her name like a plea on his lips.

She flinched at the sound of his voice and turned around, her hand up in the air once more, her voice filled with anger now, "Don't. Don't you dare touch me."

He stopped approaching her, and said the only thing he could say, "I'm so sorry, babe."

Tara shook her head and started rambling, her voice angry and hurt filled, "Was it just her, or were there others too? Did you stick your dick in all of 'em? All the whores? Taking the new merchandise you're selling for a test ride." Her face crumbled, more sobs and more tears fell.

"No, baby, no." He pleaded again. "It was just her, one other time." He wanted to reach out for her, wanted to hold her, but he was smart enough not to. Not now.

The silence dragged on for what seemed like forever. The only sound besides Tara's quiet sobs were the trees rustling in the wind around them.

Jax turned away, he couldn't bear to look at her. Couldn't stand to see the hurt he'd inflicted on her.

"Do you love her?" Tara suddenly spoke up and looked back up at him, with black mascara tears running down her cheeks.

He fiercely shook his head, "No. No, babe."

Another sob escaped from her throat at that, before she began to ramble once more, "See, 'cause it would all make sense if you loved her. I mean, if you fell in love with her, and fell out of love with me, then" She stuttered, "T-then it would make sense, because you just wouldn't be able to help yourself, because of all the love you were feeling for her."   
She held his gaze for a long moment, "So it's okay, you can tell me the truth. You can tell me if that's why you did it. You can tell me you love her."

Jax shook his head at that, his eyes welled up with tears and his chin quivered when he looked at the desperation in her eyes.   
A single tear rolled down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away, he barely recognized his own voice when he said, "I love you!"

X  
End Note: Thank you all for the lovely reviews and kudos. I hope you liked this chapter as much as the last one. If you did, leave a few words for me. Thanks for reading. xoxo


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

X

Tara held his gaze for a long moment, "So it's okay, you can tell me the truth. You can tell me if that's why you did it. You can tell me you love her."

Jax shook his head at that, his eyes welled up with tears and his chin quivered when he looked at the desperation in her eyes.

A single tear rolled down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away, he barely recognized his own voice when he said, "I love you!"

Tara saw the tears in his eyes, along with the helplessness, truth and devastation reflecting back at her.

She was sure the heartbroken look on his face matched hers to a T. But she felt they were for completely different reasons.

She was heartbroken over his betrayal she'd finally found confirmed today, and the pain that went along with it, whereas he was heartbroken that he'd been caught in his betrayal and the consequences that might follow.

So with that thought in her mind, she steeled herself against the feelings his tears evoked in her. She was too devastated herself to allow his sorrow to outweigh her own.

She shook her head, trying to stifle the sobs that began to come on strong again, "I don't understand." Letting out a shuttering breath.

She wiped both hands across her face, wiping away her tears the best she could. The words just flowing out of her mouth, "You say you love me, and not her, then how did this happen? Why would you do this to us? To me? Did you even consider what this would do to me? Or were you just thinking I wouldn't find out? I mean, Juice knew about it. Which means the club knew about it, right? Did Gemma know too?"

"It was a mistake." Jax replied, his voice heavy with regret. His tears had stopped falling, but his eyes were still red rimmed, and his cheeks bright red from the onslaught of emotions. "You don't know how badly I wish I could take it back, choose differently. But I can't. No matter how much I want to undo it, I can't, babe."

"A mistake you wish you could undo? That's your answer? That's not good enough." Tara hissed.

"What else do you want me to say? You want me to drop to my knees and beg, darlin'? Because if that's what it takes, I'll fucking do it?" Jax pleaded with her, daring a step towards her.

And he'd meant it, every word. He was willing to rot in prison for. Hell, he'd take a bullet to the head for her without giving it a second thought.

He was proud and he was arrogant, but in hindsight, after all the damage he'd done to their relationship he'd also grovel for her, on his knees if he had to and beg her to take him back, if he knew that would do the trick.

"I don't want you on your knees. I want you to make me understand, Jackson." She angrily threw back at him. "I'm your wife! You owe me an explanation. You owe me that much. You owe me a reason why you would sleep with someone else. Someone you say means nothing to you."

"There is no reason why, Tara. I fucked up ... bad. I wasn't falling out of love with you. I wasn't in love with her. It was nothing like that. You have to believe me." He tried to explain.

"Then what was it? Where you drunk? High? What?" She searched his face for an answer.

Jax shook his head, "No. None of that."

Tara's tears finally stopped and she wiped at her face again, before her eyes bore into his. Her tone of voice seemingly getting angrier with each word she spoke, "Do you think she's prettier than me? Sexier than me? She's a whore and she's older, so she's obviously more experienced than me, is that it?"

"Tara, stop it." He begged with frustration in his voice.

But Tara continued rambling on, "Or you were just in the mood for a blond again? I mean, there's Wendy, Ima and now Colette." Tara raising a finger and counting along with each name she mentioned. "See the pattern here?" She raised her eyebrows quizzically at him. "Or did she just offer you some kinky shit that you knew I wouldn't do? Was that it?"

"That's enough." Jax hissed back at her and stepped forward, grabbing her by her shoulders before she could get away.

"No, it's not enough." She hissed too, shrugged his hands off of her shoulders, and pushed hard against his chest and he willingly stepped back again. "You owe me an explanation."

"I don't know what you want me to say?" Jax asked with frustration in his voice. "I don't know what you want from me? Look, just tell me what you want, and I swear I'll fucking do it."

Tara shook her head at that and lowered it once more as tears began to prick at her eyes again. She tried so hard not to sob, raising her hands to cover her face.

Jax watched her intently, as if he was actually expecting her to give him a play by play of what to do, a list of her demands he could just check off one by one and all would be good again. Like she held the answers to make their world whole.

Tara wiped away her tears, swallowed the lump in her throat and looked back up at him. Jax wasn't sure what to make of the calmness that suddenly seemed to have crossed her face when she finally spoke up, "I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that you're confused about how this..." She gestured with her hand between her and him. "... is supposed to work. And I guess I'm partially to blame for that, for letting you get away with all your bullshit time and again."

She expected him to comment, but he just looked guilty and confused back at her. So she cleared her throat and continued with what she had to say, "The night Abel came home from the hospital, we had that fight, and then Donna died and you ended up spending the night with Wendy, and I called Chicago 'cause I was gonna leave, emotions were running high. Obviously we both thought we were done that night ... and then when it turned out we weren't, and you told me that you'd made a mistake, that you'd slept with Wendy. I forgave you. We started fresh, clean slate and all that."

"That's ancient history, babe." Jax chimed in.

"Is it though?" She asked and raised an eyebrow at him quizzically, "Then you slept with Ima."

Jax frowned, not liking where this was going and interrupted her, "We already talked about that."

"No." Tara shook her head, "We didn't. We talked about how you apologized, but what we didn't talk about was what happened right after the whole Salazar thing."

"I apologized." He reminded her what happened right after. "Before the damn EMT's even took us to the hospital, I was already apologizing to you."

"Alright, I suppose that's true. You did, and with the circumstances, having gotten kidnapped, being pregnant, the joy of having Abel home safe again and you being mere days away from getting send back to prison, I forgave you again, right then and there in that moment."

"The anger I felt about everything that had happened since Abel had been taken didn't really surface until after you went inside, after the shock wore off, and that's when you got scared I'd run and the real apologizing started. But before that, you thought you'd gotten a pass from me. And I suppose eventually you really did."

"What the hell is this, Tara?" He interrupted her again, "You think I don't know what a piece of shit I was to you? Trust me, babe, I know how much I hurt you, and I promise you it will never happen again."

"Then there was Colette." Tara continued, completely ignoring his words and he frowned at the mention of the older woman's name again. "I walked in on you with her. We fought. Then Bobby got shot. Clay died. And then you decided to take the fall for me, make the deal with Patterson. Turn yourself in that same night and before I knew it we were together in bed again."

"It wasn't like those other times, babe, and I know you know it too. After all the shit we'd gone through, we reconnected. It fucking meant something." Jax scoffed, "So if you are implying that was pity sex, because I was getting locked up again, you're full of shit."

Tara shook her head, "No, that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that in that moment, I gave you a pass again. I forgave you."

"I don't understand." Jax shook his head, the aggravation obvious on his face, "Is there a point to all this?"

"The point is that in the past you cheated on me and because of the circumstances, because of everything that was happening to me or us at the same time, I let it slide. I forgave you and we eventually ended up back in each other's arms."

"But look at us now, Jax. Now that you're here, away from Charming. I'm just a doctor, not patching up criminals after hours, and you're just a mechanic, not a member or president of some gang. We're just two people, with two beautiful little boys to raise. And hopefully that means neither one of us, or our children will get kidnapped or threatened with imprisonment ever again. So if we were to get back together, and you'd cheat on me again, there wouldn't be a pass coming your way. There would be no forgiveness left to give."

"I know that." He said with new hope in his eyes.

"Do you?" Tara replied with a questioning tone in her voice and shook her head at him, "'Cause I don't think you do. You can't even tell me what made you break our wedding vows with Colette. I mean with Wendy and Ima, you at least bothered to explain the how and why. So if you don't know what made you cheat, than how can you be so sure it won't happen again?"

"'Cause I won't let it happen again." He answered with a firm voice, leaving no room for doubt.

"How?" Tara wouldn't let up.

"I just know." Jax quickly replied and stepped closer to her again, his eyes firmly trained on hers.

But Tara shook her head and lowered her eyes to the small space left between them, "I'm sorry, but that's just not good enough for me anymore, Jax. I need to know why you did it? Why you ended up in bed with someone other than me? I need you to tell me why."

"For Christ sake, I can't." Jax blurted out in frustration.

Tara threw her hands up in the air, a gesture of defeat. If he wasn't even willing to try to sort through his feelings, then she was done, done with him. She was giving up. "Then there's really no point in us talking anymore, is there?"

"Meaning what?" Jax raised his eyebrows in question.

"Meaning, we're done." Tara said angrily and started walking away from him. "I want you and all your shit out of the apartment when we get home."

"Jesus Christ." Jax mumbled under his breath, lowered his head and turned away from her, running his hand through his hair in obvious frustration. A moment passed before he turned back toward her, trying to catch up with her retreating form, yelling after her "TARA, WAIT."

Tara continued walking, not responding at all, until Jax caught up with her, grabbed her by her arm and spun her around again to face him.

They stared at each other and Jax opened his mouth to say something, "I'm." was all he muttered, but then froze again before he finally spoke, "I'm trying."

"Trying what?" Tara replied and folded her arms in front of herself.

"Trying to explain ... how it happened." He answered, the look in his eyes softening with regret. "It's just ... it's just that I know there's nothing I can say that'll justify it. I mean, it's not like someone held a gun to my head. What happened, it's all on me, making a horrible choice, one I regretted immediately."

Tara sighed, "Go on."

Jax took a deep breath and exhaled, he dug out a cigarette from the front pocket of his flannel shirt, but instead of lighting it up, he simply just twisted and turned it between his fingers and it dawned on Tara then just how nervous he actually was, "We had that fight, about Wendy becoming the guardian for the boys. And I was so pissed that you went and had those papers drawn up. Then Eli showed up, arresting you. I honestly didn't think they'd actually press charges against you, so when they put you in cuffs, I was still mad about the fight, and I just froze. Abel was crying, so I got him out of bed, sat down at the kitchen table and then it all hit me at once what had just happened, and I felt like shit for how it all went down. How I let them walk you out of our house without so much as saying a word to intervene."

"Why are you telling me this?" Tara interrupted him.

Jax frowned, "Because I was in Stockton, checking out the new Escort place, when Lowen called to tell me you didn't want me at your hearing the next morning. Just like you didn't want to see me the entire time you were locked up."

"So you're saying this was my fault?" Tara pointed a finger at herself, her eyebrows raised in disbelieve.

Jax shook his head, getting frustrated again, "No, that's not what I'm saying, babe. But I knew that this is how you'd take it. That me explaining the how and why is just gonna sound like lame ass excuses to you. Which they are, because I know there is no justifiable reason why I did what I did. That's why I didn't even wanna start down this goddamn rabbit hole in the first place."

Tara looked away and took a deep cleansing breath, before she looked back up at him, "You're right, I asked for this. I asked you to tell me. Go on, I'll listen."

Jax ran his hand down his face, and exhaled audibly before he spoke up again, "What I'm trying to say is that I was scared. I was scared about our fight. I was scared about those charges against you. For you. For us. For our boys. For not knowing what it meant that you didn't want to see me. All that shit ate at me the whole time you were gone, and all I wanted was you. To see your face, to reassure me and to know that we'll be alright."

"So all that was going through my mind, on top all the other shit with the club that went down. Lyla getting raped and beaten. Hell ... I don't know, I just had a head full of shit I needed to deal with, things I needed to figure out. And she was just there, all calm and collected. The opposite of how I was feeling, 'cause in my head there was a war brewing, noises I couldn't drown out coming at me from all directions. And you know, I could stand here and tell you that she made a move on me, but I'm the one to blame because all I had to say was no, and I didn't. What she did, I mean basically it was just her job. And I just missed you, needed you so much, but you weren't there and she was there. That's all there was to it."

Tara's eyes were filled with fresh tears when she nodded her head, too choked up to even try to speak for a long moment.

"That was it?" She finally managed to get out, her voice breaking as she spoke.

Jax nodded his head, still busying his hands with the cigarette that looked like it was about to fall apart.

"So it happened the night before my hearing?" She asked to clarify and when Jax nodded again, Tara wiped the tears away that began rolling down her face.

"And after?" She further inquired.

"I left. Right away." He answered. "Feeling worse than I did before."

"What about the other time?" She wouldn't let up.

Jax swallowed hard, "That's a different story. I was pissed at you. For what you did. And I wanted to hurt you back." He chuckled humorlessly, "But the real fucked up thing is that when I was with her, you were all I saw. Both times."

"Please, don't." Tara begged him to stop now, shaking her head and looking anywhere but back at him.

"It's the fucking truth though. And that's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? You wanted the truth. So one minute I'm so pissed at you for lying to me, wanting to leave me, wanting to divorce me, then the next I'm fantasizing about you, having you, being with you. Retreating in this bubble inside my head where we're still happy together ... and then you walk in and I see double, for a split second there's two of you now."

He shakes his head at himself and starts to rip the cigarette into tiny pieces, letting them fall to the ground by his shoes, one by one. "Trust me, babe, I know just how fucked up that sounds."

Jax shook his head as tears welled up in his eyes again, and he haphazardly rubbed a hand across his face to wipe them away, "Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just all fucked up."

Wiping at her own tears she didn't have the strength nor the will to tend to his wounds on top of her own. "Yeah, maybe you are."

It was obvious that that was not what he had expected her to say, she could see that by the look in his eyes, but Tara didn't care, at least not while she was still processing her own feelings and pain about everything he'd revealed to her.

They walked side by side, but didn't talk at all on their way back to his truck, nor on the drive back towards the city.

Neither of them wanting to face the boys in their current state of mind, so words were exchanged about that and they decided to stop at a small diner to get a bite to eat.

They barely spoke at the diner as well, just sitting across from one another and eating in silence for the longest time.

Jax was hardly able to take his eyes off of her, more than once wishing he could read her mind, wondering what exactly was going on in that pretty little head of hers.

Meanwhile Tara tried to avoid looking at him, seemingly focusing her attention elsewhere, but in all actuality she was just lost in her own thoughts as she absentmindedly picked at her food on the plate in front of her.

He finished his meal in full, while she had barely touched hers.

Suddenly Tara turned her head and actually looked right at him, her voice eerily calm and so low that it was almost drowned out by the noisy conversations and music playing around them. "Can I ask you something else? About her?" She took him by surprise.

I guess that answered his question what she has been thinking about this whole time.

"Here?" Jax looked back at her quizzically. "Now? With all these people around?"

Tara looked around for a moment, taking in the other patrons before she focused her attention back at him, sitting right across from her. "They're all busy talking and eating, and besides, it doesn't have to get ugly."

She tried to reassure him. "I'm all cried out, so you don't have to worry about that. I'm not gonna make a scene." She added for good measure, but Jax knew that wasn't necessarily a promise she could keep. If he said the wrong thing, tears were probably going to flow once again.

But he had to admit that she was right about the other guest, everyone seemed too engrossed into their own conversations that they probably wouldn't pay any attention to what he or she had to say.

He sighed, not at all thrilled that she wanted to go yet another round, but wanting to appease her he pushed his plate to the side so he could rest his elbows on the table, his hands busy with the thin paper-strip his straw had come in, repeatedly wrapping it absentmindedly around the tip of his index finger.

Wishing for the hundredth time that they wouldn't have picked a non-smoking establishment.

"Alright." he reluctantly agreed, "Fire away, Sweetheart." He met her eyes and gave her the faintest of smiles, not entirely sure if it came across as such.

Tara pushed her own plate away just enough to fold her arms on the table in front of herself, before she looked right back at him, "Earlier you said, that it was just a mistake. That you don't have feelings for her. Then how come you were holding hands with her, kissing her, when I saw you?"

"She kissed me." He rebutted without missing a beat.

Tara shrugged her shoulders at that, yet her voice still calm and low, "It didn't look like you minded. I mean, I didn't see you push her away or anything."

He took a moment to think about his answer this time and leaned forward, resting his forearms all the way on the table now, before shrugging his own shoulders as he was giving his response.

"There was a meeting at Diosa. It was just business." He tried to begin to explain.

But Tara was quick to cut him off, "Isn't it always just business with whores."

Jax couldn't help but smile at her wittiness, a little relieved that she had actually cracked a joke after the day they've had, "Not that kind of business."

He paused for another moment, before starting up again, "Every now and then we'd all meet up, Alvarez, Barosky, her, me, to discuss business, nothing more. And I guess you could say that she's a little handsy. I already told you that I don't love her, but I don't hate her either, so I've honestly never thought nothing of it until Friday night, when you said that you saw us, and I realized how badly that hurt you."

Tara looked away from him as if deep in thought now for a long moment, before she finally turned her attention back to him, "It never occurred to you that flirting around with the woman that you cheated with would make me upset?"

Jax shook his head, "I'm sorry, babe, clearly I wasn't thinking."

"Clearly." Tara repeated, before making an observation, "You like her though!" The tone of her voice made it clear that this wasn't a question, but rather a statement. She was proud of herself for remaining calm and collected, despite the painful topic.

"I guess." He shrugged as he narrowed his eyes on her, "I don't think she's a bad person, Tara. She's just trying to make it in a men's world, working with the only thing she has to offer. But I don't have feelings for her. Truth be told, if it wasn't for us talking about her, she wouldn't even cross my fucking mind, babe. Ever. She means nothing to me. And I have no illusions that I meant anything to her either. As a matter of fact, she's probably rubbing up on Bobby now, since he took over my presidents patch."

That last bit he said and what it implied caught Tara's attention, "You think it was all about your patch? Your rank within the club that she was after?"

"Yeah, I do." He nodded.

Tara thought about it for a moment, and she'd be lying if she said that it didn't make her angry at the other woman all over again. But she decided to move on. She honestly didn't care who the madam was sleeping with now or her reasons why.

But Tara did have something to say that she simply needed to get off of her chest. "There's just such a double standard for men and women within that life. And I often wondered if the club way of looking at it is just so deeply ingrained in you, that you're not even aware of what's right or wrong anymore."

"Babe?" Jax started to interrupt, but she wouldn't let him.

"I mean, do you even get it at all? Why it upset me seeing you with her again?" Tara searched his face, but before he could even answer she added, "I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it would hurt you, piss you off, don't you think I have a right to feel the same way when roles are reversed? I mean, John and I broke up today, and you've made it pretty clear to me that he's a sore spot for you. It's like you can't even think straight whenever I mention him. So can you humor me and imagine for just a moment, that a couple of months from now you'd see me walking hand in hand with him, and watching me just stand there, letting him kiss me? How would you feel about that? And even if I reassured you that he means nothing to me, would that make it any better somehow?"

Jax's met her eyes head on, and she could see the anger that thought alone provoked in him, before he even opened his mouth to answer her, "You're absolutely right. At the very least I'd probably wanna beat him to a pulp. So, yeah, I get it. You had every right to be pissed, babe. And nothing like that will ever happen again?"

Tara looked somewhat relieved that at the very least it seemed like she'd gotten though to him.

Then Jax brought her back out of her thoughts, "Not that I'd discuss any of it with you while were still in here, but for the sake of full disclosure, is there anything else you wanna know about the club? About what happened? You just gotta ask."

Tara shook her head without even having to think about it, "No, I could care less if I never heard another word about the club."

"You got it, babe." Jax reassured her that he wouldn't bring the topic up again.

X

Jax pulled his truck into his previous parking spot and killed the engine. Both of them got out, Jax waited for her to come around the front of his pick-up and they crossed the street together, heading for the front door of the apartment building.

But when they reached the door, and Jax began fumbling with his keys, Tara reached for his arm to gain his undivided attention and spoke up, "I don't think I'm gonna come in."

Jax let out a soft chuckle, "It's your place, babe."

She smiled softly, her own keys in her hands now, "I think I'm just not feeling up to pretending to be happy mom right now."

"Tara?" He said with concern in his voice.

But she shook her head, "It's fine, really. I'm fine. I just need a little bit to process everything, some alone time. You get that, right?"

Jax nodded, but not liking the thought of them not returning to the boys together.

"So could you tell Christy thank you for me, for watching the boys. And would you mind getting the boys ready for bed on your own tonight?" Tara glanced at her wristwatch, "I'm sure she's made them dinner by now, so you shouldn't have to worry about cooking something for them."

"I got it, babe. I've dealt with much worse before, can handle two preschoolers on my own."

"Thank you." She replied, and was about to turn to walk to her car, when Jax spoke up, "Where are you gonna go?"

"I don't know. Haven't thought that far ahead yet." She replied honestly. Right now she just wanted to make it to her car.

"You're not going back to that trail in the woods this late?" Jax questioned her with obvious concern etched into his face, "Because gun or no gun, that's not a place to be late at night all on your own."

"I'm not." She reassured him, "You really don't need to worry about me. I was thinking more along the lines of some coffee shop, or someplace like it."

"Okay." Jax nodded, but it was still obvious that he didn't want her to go. But he knew that he'd need some time to think about everything they'd talked about himself, so he understood where she was coming from.

"Okay. See you later." She smiled slightly and with that, Tara turned, and Jax watched her get into her car before he unlocked the front door and quickly stepped inside.

X

Jax was laying passed out on the couch, when his cell phone on the end-table by his feet began to ring. It took him a moment to come to, but when he realized that the ringing was coming from his phone, he quickly sat up. He turned on the lamp on the table and unplugged his phone from the charging cable. He squinted at the screen, saw that the caller ID said that it was Tara calling, so he quickly flipped it open and raised it up to his ear. A sense of dread filled him when he realized that this meant she hadn't come home yet, while he had been fast asleep.

"Everything alright, babe? Where are you?" He asked before she could even get a word in, his voice raspy with sleep.

"Is this Jax?" Said a deep manly voice on the other end of the line, jolting Jax awake instantaneously.

He could feel the old familiar fear course through his veins again, like it had never left. His worst nightmare, the one with her laying on their kitchen floor in a pool of her own blood flashed before his eyes as if it had all just happened yesterday. Followed by a list of club enemies that might've still had it in for him.

"Who are you? How the fuck did you get my wife's phone?" His heart was beating out of his chest, he had a pretty good idea how.

"Easy now. No need to get all pissy with me." Said the man, "This is a courtesy call, my friend. You were listed as the emergency contact on her phone here. My name's Frank, I'm the barkeep over at Old Joe's Tavern on Brunswick Drive. I think I got your wife over here, and she's not looking to good right now."

That initial dread disappeared just as fast as it had appeared, and Jax let out a breath of relief. But then he couldn't help but worry for another reason, "Is she alright? What happened?"

With the phone wedged between his ear and shoulder, he stood and stepped back into his jeans that he'd discarded on the floor in front of the couch, closing them and buckling up his belt, before reaching for his t-shirt and hoody he'd thrown across the back of the arm chair.

"She came in here a couple of hours ago. Sat alone at the bar here all night. She hasn't had that much to drink either to be this out of it, at least not as far as I know. Unless of course she'd already had a few before she showed up in here. That I wouldn't know anything about. But the reason I'm calling, there's a couple of fella's over here that I get the impression would like to take her home, so you might wanna get on over here as soon as possible, son. I'll keep an eye on her until you get here."

Jax tried to process everything he'd just been told, "Old Joe's Tavern, you said? Brunswick Drive?"

"That's it. Hurry on down here."

"I'm on my way." Jax replied and hung up the phone.

X

End Note: I'm so happy I was able to upload this new chapter for you guys ahead of time. That being said, I'll have a lot going on over the next two week, so I'm not sure if I'll find the time to write and upload next week. I'll try, but with my hectic schedule I can't make any promises.

Lots and lots more conversations in this chapter. I hope you've enjoyed it and will leave me a couple of words. Thanks for reading!


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
X

Jax tentatively knocked on Misses Ellie's apartment door. He hated having to do this, but leaving the boys alone was as much out of the question as dragging them along with him to a bar to pick up their drunk mother in the middle of the night.   
After waiting for a moment there was still no answer, so he knocked louder and harder again, even calling out to her through the closed apartment door, just in case the elderly woman didn't recognize him through the peephole in the door. But still, there was no answer.

Jax rushed back to Tara's apartment and frantically looked for the piece of paper, where Tara had scribbled down some phone numbers for him Saturday morning before she'd left for her weekend shift in the ER. In case of emergencies she'd said, like if Misses Ellie wasn't available and he'd ever need someone to watch the boys while she was at work, or something to that effect. At the time he had barely given the names and numbers so much as a second glance or thought, because what were the odds that that would happen already. Now he wished he would've paid more attention to what she'd said, and where that fucking paper had disappeared to.

Standing in the middle of the living room, he stopped his frantic search and stared helplessly around the room. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, frustrated pushing his long hair out of his face, trying to remember where and when exactly he'd seen that fucking piece of paper last, when it suddenly dawned on him.

He quietly opened the boys' bedroom door and without turning on the light sneaked inside. The light shining into the room from the hallway was enough for him to spot the small pile of coloring-books and papers on the little table near the foot of Thomas' toddler bed. Careful not to wake his sons, he picked up the entire stack and left the room as quietly as he'd entered it and closed their bedroom door behind him.

It took him less than a minute before he finally found what he'd been looking for and reached for his cell phone in his jeans pocket. His fingers couldn't dial the numbers fast enough.

X

Jax clenched his jaw in frustration when he had no choice but to stomp on his breaks again as they approached yet another intersection with a red light. If it was up to him he would've run every goddamn red light in town, but Christy was probably right that getting pulled over right now would only cost them more precious time. And they already felt like they didn't have a minute to spare.

Anxious, he lit up a cigarette and lowered his driver side window. A rush of cold evening air breezed through the cabin of the truck and Christy couldn't help but shiver, despite the jacket she was wearing, giving her yet another reason to throw a dirty look into Jax's direction. 

Unbeknownst to him, he was on her shit-list right now, because she couldn't help but wonder what had happened between Tara and him earlier that would lead to this. Her friend drunk off her ass in some bar by herself. It didn't sound like the Tara she knew. 

But as much as she wanted to blame him, she sort of also blamed herself for pushing Tara earlier today to let Jax back into her life. She couldn't help but wonder if that somehow played a part in the current state of events, so there was no way in hell she was going to sit this one out on Tara's couch and let Jax handle it on his own.

When Jax had called her and told her what had happened, she'd rushed over, bringing her fiancée Jason along. So Jason stayed at home with the boys, who were still sound asleep and oblivious to what was going on, while she insisted on tagging along to get Tara.

X

Jax noticed Tara's parked SUV in front of the bar, reassuring him that this was the right place and looked over at Christy who'd seen it too.

They quickly parked and headed inside, not wanting to waste another moment.

The bar was much busier than both Jax and Christy had anticipated considering how late it was on a Sunday night. Some fast paced honky-tonk country song was blaring obnoxiously loud through the speakers of the smoke filled bar.

They both scanned the place for any sign of Tara, when Jax's eyes fell on the barkeeper and he headed straight towards him, with Christy following right behind him.

He had to raise his voice to be heard over the loud music when he told the barkeep who he was and why he was here. The much older, long-bearded man's voice boomed with ease over the loud noise surrounding them, "One of my waitresses took her to the bathroom." He nodded towards the restrooms down the hall to the left of him. Jax and Christy following his gaze, and just when they were about to head that way the man quickly reached beneath his counter and presented Christy with Tara's purse.

Christy and Jax exchanged a quizzical look before she reached for her friend's bag, and his deep voice boomed once more over the music, "She left it on the bar stool, thought I'd better hold onto it before someone get's sticky fingers, if you know what I mean?!"

"Appreciate that." Jax nodded gratefully before he turned towards Christy and signaled her to follow along.

Christy had Tara's bag draped over her shoulder when she pushed the door to the ladies room open and stepped inside, with Jax right on her heels. 

She stopped and turned halfway towards him, putting a hand flat against his chest in an attempt to stop him from entering. "It's the ladies room." She exclaimed in protest.

Jax rolled his eyes at her in obvious annoyance. He simply had no patience to argue with her again right now and stepped further through the door, practically pushing Christy out of the way when his eyes fell on Tara kneeling top-less in just her jeans and bra, on the filthy bathroom floor. "Tara?"

"Hey. You can't be in here." The waitress helping Tara get back on her feet yelled out loud, before stepping in front of her, trying to shield the inebriated woman from his prying eyes when he dared to approach even further. "This is the ladies room. You need to get the hell out, or I'll call the bouncer."

"Jesus, Jax." Christy tried to reason with him to avoid a scene, but to no avail.

Utterly unfazed by the loud protest of every female around him he quickly stepped further into the room. "Babe?" His voice was filled with concern when he reached her side, the smell of vomit now evident in the air.

"Jax?" Tara blinked and looked up at him with glossed over eyes, but before he could reply anything else she practically stumbled once more, straight into his arms. 

He held her up against him, with one strong arm wrapped around her waist, and his other hand pulling her upper body against his chest, her bare back feeling cold beneath his hands.

The waitress recognized the name and stopped her protest, "You're her emergency contact, the guy Frank called."

Jax nodded, "Yeah." Without taking his eyes off of Tara.

"He's her husband." Christy offered and saw how the younger woman's eyes flickered to Tara's empty ring finger, a look of confusion crossing her face, so Christy quickly added, "It's a long story." And stepped up to take a closer look at her friend. "Tara?"

"I ... I don't feel so good." Tara mumbled with her cheek against Jax's chest, when Christy pried her eyes open, one by one, trying to examine her the best she could in the dimly lit room.

"What the hell happened to her?" Jax's eyes narrowed accusingly at the young brunette waitress. "Did someone put something in her drink?"

The waitress scoffed at him clearly offended, "She sat at the bar all night. Frank said nobody messed with her drinks, he's sure of it. She might've already had a few though before she showed up here, or maybe she popped something herself." 

Jax scoffed and was just about to protest that Tara wasn't like that, when Christy chimed in.

"She's got something in her system." Christy announced with concern.

"Jesus Christ!" Jax sighed in frustration, pulling her closer as he closed his eyes and pressed a kiss against Tara's temple, while Christy reached for Tara's wrist to check her pulse.

"Whatever she took, ... we need to make her throw up, just in case." Christy said, meeting Jax's concerned eyes, but the waitress was quick to interrupt.

"I don't think there's anything left to throw up." She nodded towards Tara's shirt in the sink, "She threw up all over her shirt, then hovered over the John for half an hour letting it all out. She's been dry heaving ever since. Trust me, there's nothing left."

"Her pulse seems alright." Christy capitulated and sighed in frustration herself, "But we still need to get her home."

"Tara? Can you sit up?" Jax turned with Tara in his arms and lifted her just enough to sit her onto the ledge of the bathroom counter, the gesture reminiscent of another time and place. Happier times long forgotten, he noted with regret.

Christy realized what he was trying to do and quickly helped holding her up long enough for Jax to pull his sweatshirt off himself before turning it around to slip it over Tara's head instead.

Christy continued to hold her upright, while Jax helped a mumbling Tara get each arm into the right sleeve, similar how he'd helped his sons into their pajamas just a couple of hours ago.

Just then the waitress stepped back in, handing an empty trash bag to Christy, who took it wordlessly with an appreciating nod.   
Her nose wrinkled in disgust at the smell that filled the air once more as she packed Tara's shirt up before knotting the top of the bag closed.

Jax stood between Tara's thighs, one hand on her back, the other on her hip, ready to tug her back to her feet when Tara looked up at him once again through glossy eyes, the hood of her shirt falling back as she snaked her arms up and around his neck, pulling him closer.

"I missed you so much, Jax." Tara slurred her words into the crook of his neck as she slumped forward.

Jax obviously knew she was completely out of it and would probably have no recollection of any of this come tomorrow morning, but that knowledge didn't stop the small spark of hope that her actions and words evoked in him.

"I missed you more." He replied unabashed, trying his best to ignore the look that both Christy and the waitress gave him in the mirror.

"What's your name, darlin'?" He turned to the side with Tara's arms still draped around his neck, and eyed the waitress for a long moment.

The brunette's cheeks flushed under his scrutinizing gaze before she reluctantly answered, "R-Rachel."

With one arm firm around Tara holding her close, he reached into his jean pocket and presented the waitress with a handful of bills, "Appreciate you keeping an eye on her, Rachel."

The waitress hesitated for a moment before she nodded, "You're welcome." and took the money from him, before tucking it away into the pocket of her apron.

Reaching into his pocket once more, he pulled out his truck keys and handed them to Christy, "Ready?"

"Yeah." Christy replied, and held the door open for him to go on ahead.

"Let's get you home, babe." He mumbled reassuringly against her ear as he draped her legs around his waist, curled one arm beneath the curve of her ass and the other across the expanse of her back.

Making their way through the crowded bar, Jax nodded appreciative towards the barkeeper Frank once more, before Christy held the door open, so they could slip outside.

The air was cool and crisp, and he could feel Tara shutter against the cold wind as she nuzzled her face deeper into the crook of his neck, and instinctively he tightened his grip around her.

They were just a few feet away from his truck when Jax heard a couple of guys slurring something behind them. 

At first neither Jax nor Christy paid any mind to what they were saying until they followed right behind them and spoke up, "Hey, where do you think you're going with her?"

Jax stopped short when he realized they were talking to him and turned around just enough to get a look at these guys.   
"Are you talking to me?" He asked in return, with a calmness in his voice that he wasn't actually feeling at all.

"Hell yeah, I'm talking to you." One of them stopping mere feet in front of Jax, who had now lowered Tara to her feet, whilst still keeping his arms firmly around her, when the guy spoke up again, nodding towards Tara, "She's with us."

"Really?" Jax asked, raising his eyebrows in disbelieve, his voice booming with a humorless chuckle as he tucked Tara protectively closer to his side and shook his head, "I don't fucking think so." This had to be a goddamn joke. 

He was just about to say more when Christy beat him to it. "She's his wife, dumbass. So you need to back the hell off."

"Wife?" The guy laughed out loud, and turned around to look at his friends who also started laughing, "Hate to be the one to break the news to you, man, but your wife was rubbing up on me earlier tonight. Guess she's a horny little whore."

"What did you just say?" Jax hissed and practically handed Tara over to Christy, not really giving the other woman a choice in the matter, before he took a step towards the guy that had just insulted Tara, "What did you call her?" His hands already balling into fists.

The guy laughed out loud again, not the least bit intimidated by the fury in Jax's eyes directed at him. "Or maybe you're just not givin' it to her right and she has to get her kicks elsewhere." He added laughing, followed by another good laugh from his friends, before Jax zoomed in on him and threw not one, but three jaw shattering punches in a row.

"STOP IT, JAX!" Christy yelled out loud, trying to get his attention, which worked for a split second.

The guy stumbled backwards, reaching up to his bloody nose and lip, no longer laughing now and was just about to charge back and take a swing at Jax when Rachel, the waitress, appeared outside the bar, interrupting the interaction with a loud demand, "CHARLIE, STOP IT. God damnit." She cursed.

Her words echoed through the parking lot, and stopped the guy from actually taking a swing at Jax. "You don't want Frank to come out here, do you?" Rachel added for good measure.

"JAX, DON'T." Christy pleaded loudly when she realized he was about to seize the opportunity and take another swing at the guy. She readjusted her arm draped around Tara to keep her upright, halfway leaning against the truck, "We really need to get her home, Jax, come on. These assholes aren't worth it."

Jax clenched his jaw as he looked the other man up and down, throwing him a look that could kill, before he stepped backwards towards his truck and his wife.

"Fuckin' pussy." The other man called out after him, spitting blood, but Jax didn't give him another glance as he quickly scooped an unconscious Tara back into his arms. It took every ounce of self-control he possessed to not turn back around and strangle the guy with his two bare hands.

By now Rachel had reached the guy's side and gave him a hard push back towards the entrance of the bar, as she shook her head in disgust at him, "What the hell is wrong with you? You're just begging to get your ass kicked." 

She tilted his head to the side to examine the damage Jax's punches had left behind. "You're a moron, you know that?" And with another push, him and his friends were heading back inside.

Tara was completely passed out when Jax lifted her into the passenger seat of his truck and wordlessly fastened the seatbelt around her.

Christy stood behind him, her arms folded across her chest. She could practically feel the anger radiating off of him, "You know that guy is full of shit, right?"

Jax dared to glance back at her for a moment before he carefully closed the passenger door, fighting the urge to slam it shut with a loud bang.

"Is he?" He asked before turning all the way towards her, his hand gesturing towards the bar behind them, "She came here, wasted, looking to get more wasted."

Even though it was dark out and the parking lot was dimly lit, he could see Christy rolling her eyes at him, "You know her." She exclaimed irritated shaking her head, "Tara's not like that."

"I know she's not, but maybe she was tonight." He replied, clenching his jaw again, "And as pissed as that thought makes me, I can't even fucking blame her, 'cause I did this." 

He shook his head at himself and ran both his hands over his weary face, trying to swallow back the hurt and anger that threatened to overwhelm him, "I let her in on some hurtful truth today, so there's a good chance she came here looking to ..." He paused, unable to say the words out loud, "... whatever she came here for, it's because of what I did and this was just her trying to get back at me, trying to hurt me back." And it fucking worked!

"You think she came here to cheat on you? Like what? Some kind of payback?" Christy scoffed and jangled Tara's car keys in her hands as she passed Jax and turned around walking backwards in the direction of Tara's car to keep eye contact with him when she said, "That's ridiculous! If she wanted to cheat on you she wouldn't be doing it here, in this shithole with some scumbag like that guy." Christy shook her head at him, "Trust me, she's got other options, better options."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Jax asked still emotional and agitated by what had gone down. He was pretty sure Christy was referring to John, which didn't soothe the brewing rage he currently felt coursing through him.

Tired of this ridiculous conversation, Christy looked back at Jax once more, "Let's just get her home, alright?" and slipped quickly behind the wheel of Tara's Ford, pulling the door closed to not give Jax a chance to drag this on any longer.

X

"I'm not some fucking perv, I'm her husband." Jax tried his best not to raise his voice in fear of waking his sons.

"Christy, come on." Jason tucked on her arm, and gave her a look that told her it was time for her to back off.

Jax seized the moment and shut the bathroom door in both their faces, utterly ignoring Christy's continued protests. He was quick to engage the lock with his one free hand, while still holding Tara up with his other arm tightly wrapped around her waist.

He swiftly turned the shower on first, giving the water a chance to heat up, while he carefully, almost methodically undressed her down to nothing but her bra and panties.

Pulling off his simple white t-shirt, he quickly toed out of his white sneakers, unbuckled his belt, and let his jeans pool by his ankles before he stepped out of them.

Tara sleepily mumbled something incoherent against his bare chest, still completely out of it, when he reached behind the shower curtain to check if the water had warmed up enough to step on inside yet.

He felt just a tad bit stupid to leave on his boxer briefs, but Christy's words of protest had hit home hard enough to stop him from completely undressing her and himself.

I get that you've seen every inch of her, Jax, but my ex has seen every inch of me too. That doesn't mean I'd want him seeing me naked now, while I'm unconscious and utterly helpless at that! 

Her stinging words echoed through his thoughts as he hoisted Tara carefully over the edge of the bathtub, before stepping under the warm and welcoming stream of water with her head tucked under his chin, and her body pressed flush against his.

Maybe it was the fact that she'd referred to him as Tara's ex that bothered him above all else. To this day he'd never actually seen himself as that, and he hated the thought that anyone thought of him as anything other than her man, her husband.

Skin on skin with his beautiful wife after the longest self-imposed dry spell of his adult life, didn't help him make his case about not being a 'perv' in the least, when his growing erection painfully strained against the fabric of his briefs as the water cascaded down their bodies.

"Jesus Christ." He cursed to himself, not only in sexual frustration but also utter self-disgust that even Tara's current unconscious state did nothing to diminish the burning desire he felt for her. Making him feel every bit the pervert he'd denied to be out loud mere ten minutes ago.

Get your fucking act together, Teller!   
He thought to himself as he looked around the shower for her bottle of shampoo, "Come on, babe, let's get you cleaned up."

X

Frustrated and anxious, Christy rifled through the content of Tara's purse.

Just then Jason stepped into the room.   
"What the hell are you doing?" He asked as he pulled up a chair at the kitchen table and watched in confusion, before shaking his head at his fiancée antics. "Giving her husband a big old speech about invasion of privacy and the such, and here you are going through her shit. That's a tad bit hypocritical, don't you think?"

Christy rolled her eyes at him, but then gave him a knowing look when she produced an orange prescription bottle from Tara's bag.

"She's on meds." Jason furrowed his brow, and stood overcome with curiosity, stepping up behind Christy so he could also read what the pharmacy label said, "Clonazepam for anxiety? I didn't know she had anxiety. She always seems so calm and put together."

Christy nodded, "She did when she first got here, but I thought she'd gotten off of her meds a couple weeks back." She narrowed her eyes on the small print, and pointed her finger to the date, "She had this filled Saturday morning, before she started her E.R. shift. The day after Jax got here." She added for good measure and gave Jason a pointed look over her shoulder.

"Shit." Jason replied to that knowing what that could mean and swiftly pushed the other content from Tara's purse aside, making room for Christy to pour Tara's medication onto the table, careful not to lose a single pill in the process.

She made quick work counting each round tablet out loud, with a final count of twenty-eight, letting out the breath she'd been holding with an audible sigh of relief as she slumped back into the chair.

"Twenty-eight." Jason repeated and studied the details of the prescription again, "It's a thirty day fill, so she probably took one sometime Saturday and another one Sunday."

Christy nodded, "Jax said she barely ate a bite at dinner, then she went out and had a couple of drinks." She shook her head, irritated with herself that she hadn't thought about it earlier, "Her being so out of it after just a few drinks ... it all makes sense now."

Jason carefully replaced all the pills back into the bottle, making sure the childproof lid clicked in place, "But she's a doctor herself, she knows that these meds and alcohol don't mix."

Christy nodded yet again, "I know, she should've known ... but she's had a lot to think of, a lot to process since he showed back up in town." She tried to excuse Tara's reckless behavior, but by the look in Jason's eyes she could tell he wasn't really buying into her lame attempt of an excuse either.

X

After their shower, Jax stepped out of her bedroom, waiting patiently while Christy helped Tara change out of her wet underwear into some dry pajamas before both of them gently tucked Tara into bed.

They gathered around the kitchen table and Jason explained that Tara's behavior tonight was most likely the result of mixing her meds with alcohol, but Jax couldn't help but wonder out loud why Tara herself hadn't thought of that before she went and ordered her first drink. 

This wasn't something he could let slide and he'd have to bring it up with her tomorrow, when she came to, he decided right then and there.

It was early Monday morning already, Jason and Christy crashed on the couch, and Jax slipped quietly into bed next to Tara. Hoping he'd be able to get at least a couple hours of sleep, knowing he'd be starting his new job at the Baker's garage tomorrow.

He was well aware that he was taking advantage of the situation, but he simply couldn't resist the urge to wrap his arms around her and pull her to his chest. 

Her soft even breathing against his skin eased some of the anxiety he himself was feeling now as he thought about everything that had happened since he'd left Charming early Friday morning.

He had no regrets leaving SAMCRO and Gemma behind, but he once more blamed himself for being the cause of Tara's pain.

The sound of her breathing near his ear had almost lulled him to sleep, when Tara shifted, her arms draped around his chest, tugging herself closer to him as if he was her own personal pillow, before she lazily draping one leg around his midsection. Like she used to do a million times before, back when they were still a thing. Back when they were happy. 

And if he didn't know any better, he would've bet his last dollar that she knew exactly what she was doing to him when she repeatedly rubbed her thigh along the length of his hardened shaft, that was straining painfully against the grey sweatpants he'd pulled on for no other reason than out of courtesy for her.

He fought his inner demons, pressing a kiss against her still damp hair and tried his best to find some rest. 

"I love you, babe." He quietly whispered into the darkness of her bedroom, not at all surprised when she never uttered a reply.

X

End Note: I'm very sorry for my long absence. A lot has happened over the last month that has kept me from updating. I'm trying my best to find the time to get back on schedule with regular updates, but please don't hold it against me if it takes me a while.  
As always I'm very curious what your thoughts are on this new chapter, and would love it if you left me a few words or a review. Thank you for still reading. xoxo, Skater


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

X

Bang! 

The loud noise startled Tara awake. 

Wait ... was that the front door?  
She wondered momentarily, blinked a few times, trying to adjust her eyes to the light that was streaming through the blinds and groaned loudly into her pillow in pain. She rolled onto her back, her right hand reached for her forehead as if touching it would magically get the throbbing headache to stop ... well ... throbbing.

She blinked some more as her eyes began to focus on the ceiling of her bedroom, trying her best to regain not just all of her senses, but her memories from the night before as well. She drew a complete blank, when a sudden surge of nausea threatened to overwhelm her.

As if her body was on autopilot, she quickly scrambled out of bed, almost stumbling over her own two feet in the process as she hurried out of the room and without so much as a knock stormed into the bathroom, just in time to reach the toilet.

The whole ordeal only lasted a couple of seconds, because there really wasn't anything left in her system to throw up, but she was quick to flush the toilet anyways.   
She was in such nauseating agony that she hadn't even noticed that the shower was running and the air in the small room was hot and heavy with steam. 

But the sound of the shower curtain sliding partially open made her not only cringe, but also caused her to practically jump out of her skin as she looked up from her kneeling position on the floor and was greeted by none other than her husband, his glowing face peeking out from behind the shower curtain.

"Good morning." He offered a teasing smile in her direction, trying to meet her eyes for a long moment.

She groaned loudly as she sat back against the wall between the toilet and the sink, reaching up above her to pull one of the towel off of the rack to wipe and hide her face in.

 

Tara let her head bob back against the tiled wall behind her, groaning some more, "Is there something good about it?" She replied wondering once more what she'd done to deserve this.

"That bad, huh?" He asked, trying his best not to laugh at her discomfort as he reached for his own towel to dry himself off. The grin ever present on his face now.

Tara heard the water turn off and the metal rings slide along the shower curtain rod, making her cringe once more at the sound. She didn't need to open her eyes to know that Jax had stepped out of the shower and was probably wrapping his towel around his waist this very moment.

She didn't bother to answer him, but blinked her eyes a couple of times again, before they finally focused on him, standing there soaking wet and towering above her. She couldn't help herself from letting her eyes momentarily linger on his newest tattoo, her name, before they drooped closed again in pain. She was in no condition to acknowledge the tattoo right now, it would have to wait.

"Come on, let's get you back to bed." He held his hand out for her, and even though she hated the smug look on his unshaven face, she took his outstretched hand because she wasn't entirely sure she'd get back on her own two feet without his help.

She groaned as he helped her to her feet, and snaked his arm around her waist, holding her firmly to his side. His glistening wet skin and dripping hair leaving dark water stains on her light colored sweats as he helped her to her bedroom and back in bed. 

Tara didn't protest when Jax reappeared with a glass of water and some painkillers, and took them willingly from him. He had slipped on a pair of Jeans and a white t-shirt, his wet towel slung over his shoulder, his hair askew, when he sat down on the edge of the bed beside her, watching her silently take another gulp of the liquid. The old mattress dipping slightly under his weight when he leaned closer to brush the strand of hair that had escaped her bun, gently back behind her ear.

"Where are the boys?" Tara's eyes fluttered open to meet his, her throat still feeling dry even after the sip of water.

Jax wordlessly took the glass of water from her and placed it on the nightstand beside her as she tried her best to keep her eyes open waiting for his answer, despite the piercing pain in her head.

"The boys are fine" He started and Tara blinked to meet his eyes again, "Christy took Abel to preschool, and is dropping Thomas off at the hospital daycare. She called in and told them you caught some kind of stomach bug, with vomiting, a high fever ... the works, so all your appointments are getting rescheduled. She'll also pick the boys up later and bring them home."

Tara nodded trying to process all the information, "Okay." and closed her eyes, her hand reaching up to her head once more, trying to soothe away the pain.

Jax couldn't help himself when he reached out and brushed her hair back once more, his fingers cascading down her cheek. He wanted to touch her, wanted to be allowed to touch her, after being so close to her again last night, "Look, babe. I think you should get some more rest, try to sleep this off. I gotta get to work, can't be late on my first day. I'll try to make it back here on my lunch break to check up on you, okay?"

"Hmmm." Tara halfheartedly agreed and rolled onto her side, trying to get comfortable.

Jax stood, tugging the blanket in around her, the teasing grin from earlier was replaced by a look of concern, "Call me if you need me, alright?"

Tara could hear the worry in his voice and pried her eyes open long enough to look up at him, "I'll be okay."

"Yeah." He nodded in an attempt to convince himself, and checked to make sure her phone on her nightstand had charged over night. He leaned down over her and pressed a gentle kiss against her forehead, before he wordlessly turned and left her room, closing the bedroom door behind him.

X

Tara sat quietly at her kitchen table, clutching a steaming cup of coffee in her hands, daring just the smallest of sips to not burn her tongue on the hot liquid.   
She still felt slightly nauseous, but her headache was no longer a piercing sharp pain, it was duller now and she was almost able to pretend it wasn't bothering her anymore. Almost!

For the second day in a row she'd woken up to an eerily quiet apartment, but unlike yesterday when Jax and the boys had been napping, she'd found herself completely alone today.

At first she had been in a panic when she realized that it was Monday, and that she had already missed two appointments. But then she suddenly remembered Jax tucking her back into bed, telling her that her schedule had been cleared and that the boys were taken care of too, and she sighed in relief, collapsing back into bed as that revelation washed over her.

She took a long steaming shower, the water as hot as she could possibly stand and it seemed to have helped her feel a whole lot better instantaneously. But as the nausea began to vanish and the pain in her head began to dull, the fog in her mind also began to clear and with horror some of last night's events came back to her in tiny distorted bits and pieces.   
The bar, the drinks, the guy she'd danced with, the spinning bathroom walls ... and Jax!

So here she sat questioning everything that was currently whirling around in her mind. Wondering what was actually reality and what was merely the imagination of her still hung-over mind? 

That's when she heard the key turn in the lock and her head snapped up from her coffee.   
From her position at the table she had a clear view of her apartment door, her heart began to speed up knowing that she'd have to face Jax now with a much clearer mind, a somewhat guilty conscience, and the decision she'd made last night about their future.

"Hi." He greeted her with a sweet smile on his face as he stepped inside and closed the front door behind him.

"Hey." Tara replied almost shyly as she watched him enter the kitchen with a big brown paper bag from the deli down the block.

"You look like you're feeling better." Jax said as he eyed her for a long moment before he shrugged out of his jacket, pulled the beanie from his head and began to unpack the food from the paper bag onto the table in front of them.

"I do." Tara nodded in agreement, watching him intently from her seat. She had to admit that it was still odd to see him without his kutte, without his knife hanging from his belt, and wearing shirts and hats that didn't display the reaper.

"Are you hungry, babe? I got you some chicken noodle soup." He said as he placed a sealed plastic bowl in front of her. "It's still hot." He added.

Tara smiled temporarily at his efforts to make her feel better, but then she sighed as she felt her stomach protest at the mere thought of food, "That's ... that's really nice of you, but I don't think I can eat right now. I'm not sure I'd be able to keep it down."

He nodded in understanding as he sat down across from her.   
"Maybe later." He said.

"Yeah, maybe." She agreed and pushed the bowl to the side before she took another sip from her coffee.

Jax unwrapped his sandwich while barely taking his eyes off of her as he took his first hearty bite.

Tara could feel his eyes on her as she tried to focus on her coffee instead. A long moment passed without either of them speaking, until Tara suddenly looked up to meet his eyes, "You want some coffee? I just made a fresh pot."

"Sure." Jax replied, answering with food in his mouth, which caused both of them to exchange another smile.

Tara quickly got up and poured him a cup the way he liked it, before she placed the hot beverage in front of him.

She sat back down, seizing the opportunity to get a good look at him, noting his weary face, and the exhaustion in his eyes as he steered his coffee a couple more times before he dared to take a small sip. 

She wasn't sure what she dreaded more nowadays; these quiet moments between them, when the air around them felt thick and suffocating with doubt and unspoken accusations, or when they actually spoke their mind and didn't hold back, which lately had always ended in tears for the both of them.

Tara glanced at the clock on the oven, wondering when he'd have to head back to work, and quickly decided to take the opportunity to clear the air while she still could. Not just about last night, but about everything. It needed to be done. Quickly, like ripping of a Band-Aid!

"About last night." She started and Jax looked up at her in obvious surprise that she was going there. She shook her head to herself, her cheeks slightly flushing as she tried to explain, clearly embarrassed by her own actions, the few she had a vague recollection of, "I-I'm sorry for ... everything. I really didn't think I had that much to drink."

Jax wiped his mouth with a napkin, and cleared his throat. She almost had expected him to tease her about her behavior, and her hang-over, but instead his face suddenly displaying a seriousness she hadn't anticipated, "I know."

"You know?" Tara shook her head and looked perplexed, wondering what he meant by that.

He wiped his hands on the napkin now as he met her eyes across the table, noting the confusion directed at him, "The barkeeper said you didn't have that much to drink." He paused for a moment, "You realize that mixing your anxiety meds with bourbon and whiskey is what had you puking out your guts."

Now her cheeks were flaming red and she had to look away from his prying eyes. She took a deep breath and exhaled, and he could practically see the little wheels insider her head turning, before she finally dared to look back up at him. "I didn't ... I just forgot, my mind was spinning with everything we had talked about, ... I mean, it still kinda is. It was just a stupid mistake, Jax. I didn't mean to do that."

Jax let out the breath he'd been holding, clearly relieved by her words, "I was hoping you'd say that." He wasn't sure if he could handle her turning to pills and booze on top of everything else that had already happened between them.

Tara leaned forward now, her arms folded on the table in front of her, "Of course, I would never intentionally ... do that."

He reached across the table and grabbed her hands in his, "Christy said you were off of them for a while, but then you refilled them again Saturday after I got here. Why didn't you tell me, babe? About the anxiety, about the meds?"

"I don't know." Tara shrugged as she thought about it for a long moment and swallowed the lump in her throat. "I guess I'm just tired of people thinking that I'm weak."

Jax tugged on her hands to gain her full attention and her eyes focused on him, "You're anything but weak, Tara. You're one of the strongest people I know."   
He truly meant it ... she'd stood by him through thick and thin, stayed when others had bailed.   
The memory of finding Tara in Thomas' bedroom late at night after the death threat had been left in her car, after Lyla had split and left Ope, suddenly popped into the forefront of his mind as just one of the many times she'd proven her strength and resolve to him and their life together.

Tara fought the urge to cry at his words. They were sweet, but she didn't really believe they were true anymore. After everything that had happened, she felt weak and helpless most of the time ... that's why she fought so hard to keep her heart protected this time around, because she didn't want to give in and let him destroy what little strength she did have left.

She gathered said strength the best she could and squeezed his hands now as she dared to look right at him, steeling herself against her own words she was already forming in her head before she actually spoke them out loud, "I thought long and hard about everything we've talked about since you got here on Friday, and I really think we should stop while we still have some remnants of respect for one another, while we still care for each other. While there's still some love left. I think here and now is when this should end. This needs to be the end." 

Jax's eyes went wide with obvious shock. He had not anticipated her to say what she'd said, hadn't predicated that this was where their conversation was headed. He had honestly believed and hoped that the truth would set them free ... give them a chance to start anew, a fresh start with a slate wiped clean. After all, they had spend the night in each other's arms, and foolishly he'd hoped that had meant something.

He shook his head at her words, his frown deepened as they really began to sink in and his hands holding onto hers for dear life, "You don't really mean that." He felt like he was grasping at straws.

"I do, Jax." She said with a pleading look in her eyes, "Please don't make this any harder than it already is. I'm glad you're here, near the boys. They need you in their life. I want you in their life."

"But you don't want me in yours!" he added angrily as he now pulled his hands away from hers and stood so fast that his chair slid back and hit the wall behind him. He turned away from her and ran his hand down his face. She could see how his whole body tensed in obvious frustration, which he was trying to hold back.

Tara glanced at the clock once more, feeling she was pressed on time she found the resolve she needed to see this through and cleared her throat again.   
Her voice steely and unwavering as she rattled out the words as quickly as she could to keep her feelings at bay, "You're welcome to stay with us until you find a place of your own. And we can figure out a schedule with the boys. You can spend as much time with them as you want to. We can even get a lawyer to draw something up if that's what you want."

A deafening silence filled the room for a long moment, until Jax suddenly spoke up.   
His voice loud and clear as he turned around to face her. His baby blue eyes glinting dangerously as he shook his head at her, "No!"

Tara looked perplexed, "What do mean no?"

He folded his arms in front of his chest, his eyes never leaving hers, "I mean, no, I'm not moving out. I'm not finding my own place. I'm not going anywhere."

Now Tara stood herself, mimicking his stance as she folded her arms as well, "It's my apartment, Jax. Only my name is on the lease. If I want you out, you're out."

He frowned and shook his head at her, and even though she was growing more furious with him by the second, she couldn't help but marvel how much he looked like a grown version of a pouting Abel right now. It would be downright comical if the subject wasn't so heartbreaking.

"I'll crash on the couch until you let me back in your bed, but I'm not moving out, babe." Jax repeated again, his voice eerily calm, but the bitterness was evident in every word.

"You're being ridiculous." Tara shook her head at him in disbelieve, "Are you really going to fight me on this? You're gonna make me change the locks?" 

He chuckled humorlessly, "You really think a new lock is gonna keep me out? I'll kick in your goddamn door. If I want in, I'll get in!"

"Then I'll call the cops." She replied without giving it much thought, too caught up in this childish argument with him.

"Right." He nodded and let another angry chuckle escape his lips, "Domestic violence ... Jesus Christ, there's something I never thought I'd find on my rap sheet."   
He sighed in frustration, "I guess that would do the trick ... that would be my one way ticket back to Charming!" He added bitterly.

A long silence interrupted their childish bickering.

"You know I don't want that." Tara said apologetic. "But you're being really immature right now."

"I'm being immature?" Jax pointed his thumb at himself in disbelieve, his eyebrows raised to new heights.  
He sighed audibly and took a step towards her, his eyes softening with regret when he sees her take a step back away from him, "I don't think I'm immature for fighting for us, fighting for our marriage, our family."

Tara shook her head and lowered her gaze to the ground as he stepped even closer to her again, "There's no getting back together, no working things out if we only see each other to hand over the kids. We both know the moment I leave, the moment I move out of here, that'll be the end."

"Yeah." Tara agreed, "And it should be." She fought the inner voice that told her to meet him half way.

"No." Jax shook his head at her again, his voice more determined than ever, "I'm not gonna give up on us ... not now, not when we're so close, Tara."

"So close to what? Making each other more miserable? We've tried time and again and it always ends in tears." She was fighting her own tears this very moment.

"Never like this, babe. We've never tried to make it work away from Charming, away from SAMCRO ... we're so fucking close, baby, don't you see it? Can't you see how close we are to finally being happy?" He pleaded with her, framing her face in his hands, his eyes trained on hers as he watched her resolve begin to crumble beneath his touch.

Tara looked away when the tears began to well up in her eyes. She still loved him, and of course she wanted the happily ever after with him, but the thought of letting him that close once again terrified her to the point that she felt crippled with fear. Her soul would not survive another broken heart by him.  
Her voice sounded oddly high pitched and broke on the last word, when she confessed, "I don't trust you anymore. I'm so scared you'll hurt me again."

Jax's heart broke hearing the pain in her voice, his hands brushing back her hair before they framed her face again, "I won't hurt you ... I promise, I'll never hurt you again. Just give me one more chance to prove my love for you. Let me stay, babe, let me earn your trust back ... Let me love you the way you deserve to be loved!"

Tara sniffled and wiped at her face, but still wouldn't answer him. The inner turmoil she was feeling was breaking her heart with every word he spoke.

"I know that earning your trust back won't happen overnight. I'm here for the long haul. I'll crash on the couch. You're calling the shots. I'll follow your lead. You tell me what to do and I'll fucking do it. I don't give a shit if it takes forever ... I'm here, babe!" He pressed a long gentle kiss to her forehead and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her smaller sobbing figure into his chest. "Please, Tara, just give me one more chance? Just one more?"

The silence filled minute felt like hours to Jax as he waited for her response. He wanted to hope for the best, but he braced himself for yet another letdown. He feared the damage he'd done to their relationship was beyond repair.

Tara suddenly pulled back enough to look up at him through red rimmed teary eyes and simply nodded her head. Such a simple gesture but it could mean the world to him if he'd interpreted it right.

"Yeah?" Jax nodded his head, trying to read the expression on her face. A small smile slowly gracing his features.

"Yeah!" Tara sobbed but smiled up at him through the tears that rolled down her face, and Jax fought the urge to press his lips to hers in celebration.

He released the breath he'd been holding and pulled her back into this arms for a long embrace.   
"I love you!" He simply whispered into her ear, his own voice heavy with tears of joy now.

"I love you!" Tara replied through tears, hoping she hadn't just made another mistake!

X

End Note: I hope you've enjoyed this new chapters. What are your thoughts? Did she give in too soon? Will he prove he's trustworthy? I'd love to hear from you. Thanks for reading.


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

\--

Jax pressed a long gentle kiss to her forehead and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her smaller sobbing figure into his chest. "Please, Tara, just give me one more chance? Just one more?"

The silence filled minute felt like hours to Jax as he waited for her response. He wanted to hope for the best, but he braced himself for yet another letdown. He feared the damage he'd done to their relationship was beyond repair.

Tara suddenly pulled back enough to look up at him through red rimmed teary eyes and simply nodded her head. Such a simple gesture but it could mean the world to him if he'd interpreted it right.

"Yeah?" Jax nodded his head, trying to read the expression on her face. A small smile slowly gracing his features.

"Yeah!" Tara sobbed but smiled up at him through the tears that rolled down her face, and Jax fought the urge to press his lips to hers in celebration.

He released the breath he'd been holding and pulled her back into his arms for a long embrace. 

"I love you!" He simply whispered into her ear, his own voice heavy with tears of joy now.

"I love you!" Tara replied through tears, hoping she hadn't just made another mistake!

They remained like this for a long moment, clinging to each other, wiping their happy tears away. Tara's arms wrapped around Jax's torso, her face nuzzled into the crook of his neck, and his arms just as tightly wrapped around her, holding onto her with everything he had as the reality of what this actually meant began to settle in for them both.

But what did it mean? 

"Tara?" His voice was filled with need as his hot breath in her ear made her shiver in anticipation of his lips against her neck, but this was exactly what she couldn't allow to happen. It was too soon to go there, too soon to even think about that.

Just because she caved and decided to give him and their relationship another chance, didn't mean she would just forgive and forget. She didn't trust him with the matters of her heart, and therefore they needed to take this very, very slow. Baby steps!

Tara gently but firmly pushed away from him, her palms flat against his chest, leaving Jax no choice than to loosen his firm hold around her so she could look up at him and meet his pleading eyes.

"There have to be some ground rules, Jax." She said, having found her firm tone of voice once again.

"Ground rules?" Jax repeated with raised eyebrows and a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he eyed her curiously.  
His hands slid around her waist and intertwined behind her, not letting her back away too far from him. "Like what, babe?"

Tara felt awkward standing like this while having this conversation ... a conversation she had not actually planned on having at all. She was supposed to make him see reason that they were no good together, that there was no working this out. At least not as lovers.

Instead he had once again said all the right things at just the right time while looking at her with such heartache and determination in his baby blue eyes that she simply couldn't deny him. 

A small part of her felt pathetic for letting him have such control over her once again, yet the other part of her held onto the same hope and faith she'd heard in his voice just moments before, telling her that they could maybe have it all if they just tried. They could be happy! 

Tara took a deep breath, trying her best to pick her brain for the appropriate rules a estranged married couple who decided to try to work things out should have. To her own horror she was drawing a blank again, and the way he looked down at her and smiled a little wider with every passing second she didn't reply, didn't help her make her case one bit.

That's when Tara finally averted her eyes from his and pushed against his chest once more, successfully stepping out of his grasp, as she tried to make sense of what she was trying to say, "Let me think." She demanded a moment and some space and air that didn't smell like him!

She needed to distance herself from those welcoming strong arms and skillful caressing hands if she wanted to be able to form a coherent thought at all.  
So she backed away some more, but stopped when her buttocks bumped into the table behind her, and folded her arms in front of herself.

"First" She started and wished she knew how to keep her cheeks from reddening at the memory, "What happened here - in this kitchen - Saturday night, that can't happen again." She shook her head along with the words to emphasize how serious she was about this.

Jax cocked his head to the side and grinned back at her, licking his tongue across the tiny scab on his lip, the reminder of her love-bite. He was clearly amused and by the look in his eyes it's obvious he was reliving Saturday nights events in his head this very moment.

But before he even had a chance to utter some smart ass reply, Tara managed to resist his tempting smirk and actually frowned at him, "I'm serious, Jax. I'm not ready to let you get that close to me, and honestly I don't know when I will be. You said you'll let me call the shots, you would follow my lead, well, that means we need to take this really slow."  
She shakes her head at him before she adds, "And what if Abel had gotten out of bed again and walked in here while we were ...?" The words die down on her lips, but it's obvious what she means.

He clearly hadn't thought of that, but the thought at what Abel could've possible walked into still didn't completely wipe the smile from his face when he nods at her in agreement, "You're right."

"Also, you can't be parading around here in nothing but a towel." She adds as a vague memory of him fresh out of the shower from this morning flashes before her eyes. 

At that he actually lets out a small chuckle and dares to step closer to her once again, invading her personal space, untangling her folded arms when he reaches for her hands and brings them both up to his lips to press a gentle kiss to the back of each one, before he sheepishly replies, "For the record, I got no problem with you walking around in just a towel ... or nothing for that matter."

It's not his actual words as much as his delivery that cause her to shake her head at him. She has to avert her eyes from him, downcast and despite her best efforts she can't completely contain the smirk that creeps onto her lips for a fraction of a second, no matter how hard she tries, but she quickly catches herself and gives him an annoyed look instead when she finally raises her eyes back up to his.  
"Jax." She says with a warning tone of voice and newfound concern in her eyes, shaking her head once more, "Don't do that. This isn't going to work if -"

"If you set boundaries and I ignore them." He huffs as he finishes the sentence for her.  
His smile from a second ago replaced by a serious expression as he tugs on her hands to get her to take a step closer to him now. "Look, babe, I get it, and we will figure this out, however long it takes."  
Jax gently tugged on her hands again before he pressed one of her palms against his chest, right above his heart, "Just know that if this flawed old heart could talk, it'd say you're the one." He can't contain his own smile now at his cheesy line, but he doesn't care because he means it.

Tara looked up at him, wanting nothing more than to believe him, but this time she needed more from him than just sweet smiles and words of love and devotion. His behavior, his actions would be what could win her over, nothing else will do.

"We don't need ground rules, babe. If I overstep, you put me back in my place, it's as simple as that." He presses another kiss to her hands, his eyes never leaving hers until she nodded her agreement.

"Okay." She replied, hoping that he'd respect the boundaries she would be setting, because she wasn't entirely sure how much willpower she could muster herself to enforce them when temptation would strike again.

Just then, Jax glanced over his shoulder at the clock. "Shit." He cursed.  
"I gotta get back to work." He framed her face and pressed a kiss to her forehead once more, not letting an opportunity to touch or kiss her slip by.

But just as he pushed passed her to pull on his Jacket, Tara reached out and tugged him back by his shirt. "Wait." She said, and he raised his eyebrows in obvious surprise when he froze under her touch. "What exactly happened last night?"

Jax looked puzzled by her question. "At the bar?" He tried to clarify what she meant.

But Tara shook her head, "No, I mean ... between us? In my bed?" Her cheeks flushed just a little in embarrassment that she couldn't truly remember and this nagging voice in her head insisted that she needed to find out.

Jax eyed her intriguingly for a long moment before he raised his hands up to her shoulders, massaging the stiffness away when he realized that she was holding her breath, and shook his head at her, "Nothing happened, babe. It was late, Christy and Jason crashed on the couch, I bunked with you. We just ... cuddled." He added the last word with a smile which Tara returned when she sighed in obvious relief.

"Besides." Jax simply couldn't resist and added with a smirk, "I've got no doubt you'd remember if more had happened."

"Right." She suppressed the urge to roll her eyes at his cocky innuendo and cleared her throat. But still some things just didn't quite add up in her scrambled mind.  
Folding her arms again, not done with her inquisition. "It's just, ... I wasn't wearing any underwear, and my hair was -"

"Babe!" Jax interrupted her before she could finish her sentence, trying his best this time to keep a straight face to make her feel more at ease. "I helped you take a shower, kept both our underwear on. Then Christy changed you out of your wet undies into PJs, I had nothing to do with that. We just went to sleep, that's it."

"And I needed a shower because ...?" She asked, waiting for him to supply the reason.

"'Cause there was puke in your hair." He said and eyed her intently to see if this would ease her worries.  
He let his hands drop back down to her waist, tugging her closer to him once more and bit his lip as he tried hard not to smirk before he spoke. "I was a perfect gentleman. Everything was very G-rated, trust me."

"G-rated." She repeated trying not to scoff at him, and this time couldn't help herself when she rolled her eyes. "I bet."

\--

Over the next three weeks they not only found a way to coexist in the same apartment, but also slowly began baby steps in the right direction to rebuild their relationship with each other.

It had proven to be much harder than both of them had anticipated.  
For Tara it was hard to let down her guard around him, not ready to give into the constant temptation of his presents in her life. 

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.  
She continued to remind herself of that and that she needed this time around to be different, for it to have a different outcome. 

So she vowed to take things slow and not jump back into bed with him like so many times in the past, no matter how sweet the kiss felt that he presses against her forehead every time he left for work, or how nice his arms felt when he wrapped them around her in greeting when he came home every night. 

Instead she'd grown to expect the continuous affections from him and braced herself for the feelings his touches evoked. 

The pain of his betrayal with the other woman still stung deeply every time she allowed to let her mind go there, but this time she found a way to use that pain to her advantage, to fuel her determination to not let him that close again just yet.  
He had to prove himself to her. Prove that this time around he'd be a man of his word. Someone she could really count on and eventually trust again. 

But she also saw the efforts he made to be there for her and their sons. 

The boys were incredibly happy to have their father in their life again, which in turn made Tara happy that he was here as well. The devotion in his eyes when he helped her care for them, more than he'd ever had before in all the years in Charming, warmed her heart with new love for him. 

And Tara had to admit that those were the feelings that proved much harder to push back as she quietly retrieved alone to her bedroom night after night. 

The love she'd felt for the teenage rebel over a decade ago was nothing in comparison to the love she felt for the loving and caring father he'd turned into now.

 

Jax struggled too in his own way, as he was trying to not only find his place in the boys' life again, but Tara's as well. 

Over the last few weeks he'd only worked late a couple of times when it couldn't have been avoided, but for the most part he'd rushed home as soon as he could to reclaim his position as the husband and father of their little family. 

Being the father that Abel and Thomas deserved came quite naturally to him. His boys adored him and loved him, and it was easy to bring a smile to their little faces by simply being there day after day.

Tara on the other hand was such a different matter altogether. 

She was still guarded around him more times than not, and he used everything he had, everything he could think of, to tear down those walls she had build around her that were supposed to be keeping him at arm's length. 

Yet Jax remained persistent in his plan to make her fall in love with him again, to make her trust him again.

Whenever he was home, he made it a point to make the most of their time together. He loved the way her eyes lit up whenever they spend time with Abel and Thomas, and at first it seemed to be the only time she'd allow herself to really relax around him.

But lately, after the boys went to bed they would forfeit sleep to just sit and talk about their busy days at work, upcoming things in their life, like Thomas' third birthday, or everything under the moon.

It was during one of those late night conversations that Jax discovered once more just how much he'd missed and loved the sound of Tara's uninhibited laugh, or more precisely how much he loved being the one to get such a carefree sound to escape her luscious lips. After all the tears he'd caused her, making her laugh had quickly become his new high. 

But besides his quest to find a way back into her heart, the simple truth was that he wanted her. Every day he ached for her with every fiber of his being. 

His body hummed with anticipation of being near her as soon as he put his truck in park outside the apartment building. When he walked through the door, he always sought her out first instead of his sons, needing to wrap his arms around her and pull her close. 

Back in Charming, after working hundreds of different angles for the club all day, he'd savored the ride home on the back of his bike. He would be taking the long way home to clear his mind of all the heinous things he'd had to do for the sake of SAMCRO, before he was ready to come home to her.

But now, away from the life, he slowly began to realize how much he'd truly changed in such a short amount of time, when after a long day at the garage he impatiently climbed into the cab of his pick-up to take the shortest and fastest route home, simply because he didn't want to waste another minute being away from her. 

And when he dared to actually think about it, somehow it all came back to Tara almost dying. No matter how he looked at everything that had happened, it always came back to that horrible yet pivotal moment in their lives.

He'd come so close to really losing her that it had once and for all opened his eyes to what really mattered to him. Tara and his boys!

So nobody could really fault him for eventually turning his back on SAMCRO after that night, and for planning his own escape from the life to follow her and his kids after they had already left Charming.  
That he would follow her had never even been a question, it had simply been a matter of when he'd leave.

\--

Tonight would probably be a late night at the shop, Jax thought to himself as he leaned further over the engine compartment to get a better angle with his wrench. He wordlessly worked the bolt loose enough to unscrew it with his hand as his mind wondered if she'd still be awake by the time he'd make it home tonight. 

Jax was pretty much getting along with all of his coworkers, however he'd found himself most comfortable around another reformed gang member named Greg.

So tonight, Greg and him had been sweating away over this piece of crap for hours now, trying to get the motor running again the way it was supposed to, and still had quite a bit of work left to do. 

Greg, much to Jax's dismay was one of those guys that liked to kill time by talking. He insisted that it made the time run by quicker and made the work less repetitive.  
In the short amount of time that Jax had worked at Baker's Automotive, he'd heard Greg's entire life story, right down to the tragic death of his brother that ultimately made him leave the life behind. 

And since Greg had begun to run out of things to talk about, he had been trying get Jax to talk instead. 

Reluctantly Jax had shared some details of his life, and if he was being honest bending a brother's ear about how to fix things with the woman in his life was one of the few things he missed about the brotherhood he'd left behind. Ironically, hadn't it been for that brotherhood, he wouldn't have been in hot water with Tara in the first place.

So now he dared to stew over his shortcomings as a husband to the one guy he'd bonded with in this town, in hopes to get some suggestions of how to get back into Tara's good graces, but so far to no avail.

Trina, the only female mechanic in the shop, was also working late, but on a different car in the bay right beside them and at this point she simply couldn't bite her tongue any longer. "Oh my god, why don't you just ask her out?" She blurted out in frustration. 

Jax's head snapped to the right when he realized that Trina had been listening in on their conversation, "Thought you were listening to music?"

That's when Trina made a show of pulling her headphones from her ears, "My IPod battery ran out over an hour ago, I've had no choice but to listen to you two bitch and moan over your baby mama drama."

"She's my wife, not my baby mama." Jax replied in obvious annoyance as he focused his attention back on the work ahead, but Greg looked over at Trina somewhat intrigued, "What were you sayin'?"

Trina again stopped what she'd been doing and looked over at them both, while Jax tried his best to look disinterested and ignored her. "I said he should ask her out?"

Greg nudged Jax to get his attention as if he wasn't standing a mere foot beside him, "Did you get that? Ask her out?"

Jax shook his head at the idiotic suggestion, and turned to look back at her, "Like I said, she's my wife." He repeated again.

Trina scoffed at him, "And?"

"And we're married." Jax added, wondering why that concept seemed so hard for her to grasp.

"Seriously, dude." Trina gave him a dumbfounded look. "You realize you can still ask her out, take her out on a date even after she said 'I do'!" Then she added, "Putting a ring on her finger shouldn't be the end of romance, you know."

"Shit, man." Greg replied before Jax could think of anything to say, "She's got a point."

Jax shook his head at his own stupidity this time, as he wondered why he hadn't thought of that himself, and looked back at Trina once more, "Since you seem so invested in my affairs, got any date night suggestions?"

At that Trina let out a amused chuckle, but shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know ... maybe try to recreate your first date with her, or something like that."

"Huh." Jax sighed, but couldn't keep the smile from his face, "I'm not sure asking her to the drive-in would do the trick, and besides our first date started out as somewhat of a disaster."

"What happened?" Greg piped in curiously.

Jax smiled again as the memory began to replay in his mind, "Well, for starters, she didn't realize we were on a date until a good twenty minutes into the date."

Trina couldn't help the laugh that escaped her throat at that. "Boy, you must've been one smooth motherfucker." She teased him sarcastically.

Under different circumstances he'd probably taken offense to her teasing, but as his mind was bombarded with the details of their first date he couldn't help but smirk himself. But still, he dared a faux offended look back at Trina, "Hey, I had moves."

"Right." She giggled some more at his expense.

\--

Jax quietly stepped into the apartment, making a mental note to remember to oil the front door since it had begun to squeak every time they opened or closed it.

It was pretty late by now, the boys had been asleep for hours and since the entire place was dark, he assumed Tara was asleep as well.

Jax turned on the small lamp on the end table beside the couch before he shrugged out of his Jacket, and toed out of his shoes. 

He made his way to the bathroom to quickly clean up before he went to sleep, when he realized that the light in Tara's room was still on. He stopped frozen in place right in front of her door for a long moment, before he dared a quiet knock, rasping his knuckles across the wooden surface. 

"Babe?" He whispered, trying not to wake the boys, "Are you still up?"

Tara quickly opened the door, sleepily smiled up at him and whispered as well when she asked, "You just got home?"

"Yeah." He replied as he fought the urge to hug her this time, since his clothes were dirtier tonight than usually and she'd already slipped into her Pajamas.  
"So I was thinking, did you wanna go to the movies sometime this weekend?"

Tara furrowed her brow as if in deep thought for a long moment before she replied and shook her head, "I don't think there's any cartoons coming out this month."

Jesus Christ, Jax thought in irony, this was playing out just like the first time he'd asked her out. He couldn't hold back the chuckle that escaped his throat, "No, babe, I didn't mean all of us. I meant just you and me. We get a sitter for the little monsters."

Tara gaped at him for far too long before she actually replied, her voice sweet as sugar when she teasingly asked, "Wait ... are you asking me out on a date?"

"Yeah." Jax clarified, doing his best to ignore the way the idea seemed to amuse her. "It don't even have to be a movie, we can do somethin' else. Whatever you want."

"Okay." She suddenly replied in a much more serious voice. "I'm not sure what's playing, but a movie could be fun."

"Alright." Jax nodded and leaned in to kiss her on her forehead, before they both whispered 'good night' to each other and Tara closed her bedroom door behind her. 

Jax smiled as he stepped under the hot stream of water and began to daydream how this movie date with Tara could potentially end. He'd be more than happy if it ended similar to their first one all those years ago.

\--  
End Note: Truthfully I'm not completely happy with how this chapter turned out myself, but after re-reading and re-writing it over the last week and a half, I've finally thrown in the towel. It's not my best work, but no matter how much I tweak it here and there, it's just not turning out the way I wanted. Nonetheless, I hope some of you enjoy it either way. Please let me know what you think. xoxo, Skater

P.S. I know that Jax is much 'sweeter' in the last couple of chapters, but I promise you that he hasn't completely lost his edge yet as you'll see in chapters to come.


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

X

Jax recognized the rumbling sound of the motorcycles pulling into the parking lot outside Baker's Automotive Repairs, and with mixed emotions headed out towards the parking lot.   
The call from Chibs earlier that morning had been unexpected to say the least, but at that point the guys had already been on the road for hours, not leaving Jax with much of a choice in the matter.

The Sons had decided to drop by and visit on their way further north for some club business. Jax didn't know what that business entailed exactly, and even though he was somewhat curious about what his club was up to these days, he bit his tongue and refrained from asking. He didn't want to risk getting pulled back into it somehow, especially not now when he was finally making some headway with Tara. 

The date he'd proposed over three weeks ago had been postponed and rescheduled more times than he could count, because both of them had been hit up with a lot of unexpected overtime.  
But now they had finally been able to definitely clear their schedule for this weekend, along with Christy's offer to not only watch the boys, but keep them overnight at her place, so their date was practically set in stone. Just a couple more days, and he couldn't wait to finally have Tara all to himself again.

That being said, Jax's smile couldn't have been brighter when he saw all the bikes park nicely in a row and one brother after the next came to embrace him in a hug. He'd be lying if he said he didn't miss them. He missed the camaraderie or even the thrill of danger that the life entailed, but at the same time he had no regrets, because he knew he had made the right choice. He finally knew what he loved the most and what he ultimately couldn't live without. And her name was forever tattooed on his chest now. Tara!

Eric Baker, his boss, agreed to let him take a longer lunch break since his friends were in town, with Jax's promise that the truck he'd been working on would be finished before he headed home tonight. So Jax climbed in his truck and the Sons climbed on their Harley's, heading out to the nearest place to get a bite to eat and reminisce about times long gone.

Unbeknownst to Jax, Tara arrived just in time to see the last bike pull out of the parking lot, following the caravan led by him.   
It appeared they hadn't noticed her, and in all honesty she preferred it that way. She quickly parked her car, and was quite surprised how much seeing the familiar bikes and kuttes had actually shook her up. 

Hundreds of different thoughts were running through her mind. What where they here for? Why hadn't Jax said that they were coming? What did any of this mean?   
She simply couldn't ease her mind, nor shake the sickening feeling that began to form in the pit of her stomach. 

She pulled out her phone and contemplated calling Jax, playing dumb, just to see what he'd say. To see if he'd tell the truth about where he was right now and with whom. She wiped a unexpected tear that escaped her eye and shook her head to herself before taking in a deep cleansing breath as she put her phone back into her purse.   
No. She shook her head again. She won't do that. If they really wanted this relationship to work, then she needed to work on trusting him again, and this was as good a first step she could think of.

So Tara put her car back in gear, and headed back to the hospital. She'd just share the lunch she'd bought for him with Christy instead, hoping to busy her mind with hospital gossip and work, to keep from imagining the meaning of the club's visit.

X

Jax couldn't help himself from laughing out loud at the stories the guys were sharing with him. From what he'd heard so far, it sounded like the Sons had continued down the path he'd hoped for and laid out for them. No more gun running, and definitely no more drugs.   
He knew well enough that that didn't mean it was all peace and quiet now in Charming, but the violence had seized for the most part. They'd been whole for a while now, and Jax was glad to hear it.

"So the doc and you? You managed to patch things up with her? You're all good?" Bobby asked him with his arm draped around Jax's shoulder as they were leaving the diner.

Jax nodded and smiled reassuringly at the older man beside him, "Couldn't be better!" He lied, embarrassed to admit to his brother that Tara hadn't made things easy for him at all.

"Good to hear." Bobby nodded approvingly, and patted Jax's back in a fatherly gesture, before he added. "Well, Charming is sure changing, so who knows, maybe one day you, Tara and your boys find your way home again."

Jax lit a cigarette, giving Bobby a quizzical look, "Changing how? Another addition to Charming Heights?" He joked.

Bobby settled next to him, lighting up himself as they waited for the rest of the guys to pay their tab and follow them outside, "They're building some kind of amusement-park. Another one of Hale's fucking projects." Bobby shook his head in irritation. "Right outside Charming, in the middle of nowhere, off of I-580."

With the threat running through his veins, Jax knew right away where Bobby was talking about. He choked on the smoke in his lungs, unable to keep from coughing. "You're shitting me. Out there?" He shook his head in disapproval. "It's nothing but fucking hills and rocks and dust out there. It will cost a fortune just to level it all."

"I know." Bobby nodded. "Hale's going overboard with this shit. I mean, come on, he's trying to turn Charming into god damn Disneyland!" He raised his eyebrows to new heights and shook his head in disbelieve.

Jax suddenly felt nauseous, but despite the bile rising in his throat, he took another long drag from his cigarette. "So when's that all happening?" He tried to keep his voice from wavering with worry.

Bobby dropped his cigarette to the ground and grinded it out with his boot. "Shit, I think they're already breaking ground this coming Monday, man. Hale isn't wasting any time."

Fuck!

X

Tara stared at her phone for the hundredth time, rereading the message from Jax that he'd be working late tonight.   
She had just finished tucking the boys into bed, and started rinsing the dishes before placing them in the dishwasher, when she heard the front door unlock and Jax quietly stepped inside.

He hung his coat and beanie by the front door, and quickly stepped into the kitchen.   
"Hey, babe." He smiled at her as he stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, placing a small kiss against her shoulder. A groan of contentment vibrated in his throat as he relished in the warmth her body emitted. He'd missed her, needed her all day, yet also feared having to talk to her tonight.

"Hey." Tara replied and leaned into him, but immediately wondered if he would mention that the Sons were in town, or if she would have to bring it up. She hated this awkwardness. She had so many questions, but wished he'd bring it up first, so she wouldn't seem like she was interrogating him.

"Boys are asleep?" Jax asked, and Tara nodded.

"I just put them down five minutes ago. If you head in there now, they might still be up."

Jax thought about it for a moment, but decided against it, "Nah, I don't want to get them all riled up again, I'm pretty tired myself." He stepped over to the fridge, and reached for a beer.

"There's a plate of leftovers in there too." Tara nodded towards the fridge, and Jax opened it back up, looking for the food.

Tara watched him out of the corner of her eye, as he unwrapped the plate and put it in the microwave. There was a worried expression on his face, and her stomach twisted once more with the fear of what that might meant for them. She knew him well enough to know that there was something worrying him. It was written all over his face.

The microwave hummed along, and Jax leaned against the kitchen counter, giving Tara a once over as she finished up loading the dishwasher. He folded his arms, contemplating on how he should even begin to bring this up. He knew she would not be happy with him. Truth be told, she'd probably be pissed.  
"So, the guys called me this morning, they were heading north and stopped by the shop around lunchtime." He blurted out with the most nonchalant tone to his voice he could muster.

"The guys?" Tara looked over at him, pretending to not know who he meant, before she focused her attention back on closing and starting the dishwasher.

"The Sons." Jax quickly clarified, and gave her a weak smile.

"Oh." Tara tried to sound surprised. She dried her hands on a kitchen rag, before folding the piece of cloth neatly onto the kitchen counter.

Jax impatiently and in an effort to busy his hands, opened the microwave and retrieved his food. Even though he knew it was nowhere near hot, barely lukewarm.

He began to scarf down his food, as he tried to buy himself some time. He'd spent pretty much all day wondering how he'd tell her this, but now that the moment was here, he hated having to do this to her. He knew if he told her the truth, she'd be worried sick. But he wasn't sure if their relationship could take any more lies.

Tara watched him take yet another bite, but impatiently couldn't hold her tongue any longer.  
"What's going on, Jax?"

Jax looked up at her then, trying to act surprised at the now worried expression that was displayed on her pretty face. But before he could even speak up, Tara beat him to it.

"I can see it on your face." She folded her arms in front of herself and frowned, "What is it? Just spit it out."

Jax swallowed the bite in his mouth and let the fork drop onto the almost empty plate with a clank. He wiped his hands down his face, as if that could somehow erase the worried expression, but it only made it more obvious to Tara how serious this must be. Of course it is, it always is with the Sons.

Tara suddenly spoke again, her voice breaking mid sentence as a tear rolled down her cheek. "You're going back to Charming, right?"

Her trembling voice and tearful eyes finally snapped Jax out of his stupor and he quickly got up and stepped right in front of her, his hands framing her face.

He shakes his head at her no, even thought he says yes, "Yeah, but it's not like that."

"It's not like what, Jackson?" There's now an obvious hint of frustration in her voice. "Samcro comes calling, and here we go again ... you choosing them over us." She steps away and turns her back to him, trying to hide the anger and disappointment on her face. "I knew this was gonna happen ... Jesus Christ, I knew it."

Jax spins her around, trying to get her to look at him again. "Babe, it really isn't what you think. This isn't about the Sons, this is about us. You and me!"

There's truth in his eyes and his voice, so she wipes her tears away and stares up at him in utter confusion, "What do you mean?"

Jax swallows the lump in his throat, and pulls her back with him towards the table and chairs. Tara takes the hint and sits in the chair that Jax pulls out for her, and he settles in the chair right across from her. He pushes the plate to the side and reaches across the table. Tara complies wordlessly and reaches out to let him hold her hands. A gesture that seems ages ago now, yet still familiar all the same.

There was no use trying to sugarcoat any of it, so he just began telling her everything he knew. Straight to the point. "Bobby told me that Hale's building some theme park, right outside Charming. They're already breaking ground this coming Monday." Jax cleared his throat. "I know I never told you what I did with the body ... but they're gonna dig right where I buried him. Where I buried Kohn."

Tara's eyes went wide with the realization what that meant, "Oh my god."

In an effort to ease her mind, Jax went on to explain the plan he'd made. After all he hadn't been able to think about anything else all day, and felt the need to share his solution to their problem. He needed her to know that he'd fix this. That this was something he could fix for her, for them.   
So he told her, how he was gonna drive back to Charming, dig up Kohn, and pay Skeeter to burn the remains after hours, until there'd be nothing left to bury. It made the most sense not to rebury him, because he didn't want to risk the body being discovered again later on down the road. He'd thought of everything.   
He had already talked to his PO and got permission to head back to California for the weekend, of course under the disguise of picking up his bikes. He already talked to Skeeter too, made sure the man was still willing and able to do what needed to be done, all the while keeping Samcro out of it altogether. 

Tara listened carefully to everything he had to say, waited until he was done before she spoke up. "So you really never told the guys about this? About what we did?"

Jax shook his head, "No, I didn't. And honestly, I'd like to keep it that way."

Tara was in shock, no doubt, and it took her a moment to let it all sink in. But when she was finally able to think straight again, she realized what she had to do. "I have to come with you."

Jax immediately shook his head, dismissing her idea, "No. No way." 

"Jax, this is as much my problem as it is yours." She countered.

"If we both get caught with the body-" He started to object, but Tara quickly cut him off.

"And if you alone get caught with the body, you really think I'll be home free? I'm a doctor, I know how this works. My DNA is all over that man ... Jesus Christ, he's wrapped in my god damn shower curtain. We both know you won't be able to dig him up and lift him out of that grave by yourself, not after all this time, not after he's been decomposing for all these years."

Jax shook his head to himself, avoiding her eyes, because he knew there was some truth to what she was saying, but he didn't want her involved. He didn't want her risk getting caught with him. He wanted to keep her safe. 

"The two of us can dig faster, than you alone. It will be over faster. Less chance to get caught."

"Why are you doing this, babe?" Jax shook his head, looking right at her this time. Did she not trust him to fix this either? She had to know that he wouldn't let her down this time. "Do you not trust me?"

She reached for his hands again and squeezed them tight, "I just don't want to sit around anymore, waiting and hoping that you or someone else will fix my problems for me ... I'm done sitting on the sidelines of my life, Jax. This is something - one thing - I can do to fix a mistake I made. I need to do this, Jax. Really, this isn't about you or whether I trust you or not with this ... it's about me taking charge, fixing my mistake, and erasing the Kohn-chapter once and for all. I need to be there and see with my own eyes that there is nothing left of him."

Jax closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, contemplating everything she'd just said. He didn't like the idea of her tagging along, and getting her hands dirty yet again - literally. But at the same time he understood her need for closure. He knew he was partially to blame, he should've dug a deeper grave, somewhere even more secluded. Should've washed the son of a bitch in bleach, clear him of evidence that could be used against either one of them. But he hadn't done any of those things, and as much as he hated to admit it, but she was right. If he got caught with Kohn's corpse, he had no doubt that she'd take the fall too ... even if he confessed to having done the deed alone.

He opened his eyes and looked right at her with a stern expression crossing every feature of his unshaven face, "Alright, but we gotta be smart about this, babe. No mistakes. Let's get rid of that piece of shit for good this time."

X  
End Note: I'm deeply embarrassed at my long absence from this site. I'm incredibly sorry that it has taken me so long to update. I have plenty of reasons, too many to name, but basically life got in the way, and time got away from me. I hope I haven't lost every one that had been following my story ... and is willing to give it another try. I wish I could promise I'll update regularly again, but truthfully I can't promise that. I will update when I have something worth uploading ... and please know that I'll try my best. Please leave a comment if you're still interested and want me to keep working on this. Thanks, xoxo, Skater


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
X  
Author's Note: Thank you so much for your continued support. I loved all the reviews, comments and private messages I've received. Thank you.

X  
The truck ride to Charming seemed even longer and more dreary than they could have imagined. Sure, under different circumstances they would've probably enjoyed the open road, talked each other's ears off, or sang along loudly and off-key to some '90 songs on the radio. And yes, the radio was on, but no matter how upbeat the song was, nothing was really able to shake either one of them out of their current mood. The occasional conversation consisted only of going once again over every little detail of their plan, and how Abel and Thomas would fare without them there for an entire weekend.

They had left early this morning, dropping the boys off with Christy, who would be dropping Abel off at preschool and Thomas at the hospital daycare when she got to work. Then, after work, she would pick them both up and basically watch them until Jax and Tara got back on Saturday, or Sunday at the latest. In explanation they'd spun a tall tale of some unfinished business concerning the sale of their home, and Jax's share in TM, amongst some other things, that required them both to head back to Charming.  
Tara felt guilty about having to lie to her friend, especially now that their friendship had grown back to the way they used to be back in Chicago. From the outside looking in, Tara felt like she'd been nothing but a burden to her friend since she'd arrived in town, but Christy never made her feel that way and it was just one more reason Tara cherished her friendship beyond words. Therefore having to lie to her sucked, but Tara knew she had no other choice. Telling the truth just wasn't an option this time.

By now they were just a couple of miles outside Charming, traffic hadn't been bad and they had made good time. They drove by the entrance of the old dirt road that led to Kohn's grave site, and discovered it had already been barricaded off. To their relief it was nothing that Jax couldn't move to the side long enough for Tara to pull in. Yet at the moment it was still too light outside, so they drove further out in the country, to an old hideout spot they used to frequent as teenagers with their group of friends, to wait for nightfall.  
Chain smoking and stretching their legs they quietly stood beside the truck, the obvious worry written all over their faces. Jax held a bottle of water out to Tara, she had barely had anything to eat or drink today, but once more she simply shook her head in a silent refusal and folded her arms in front of herself again between drags from her cigarette. 

There was no denying the tension in the air between them was growing more intense with every passing minute. Over the last few days, Tara had busied herself with preparing for their trip, but she did it with a sadness and worry in her eyes that threatened to break Jax's heart. He tried to placate her fears with warm embraces and soft whispers of reassurance that it was all going to work out, but he wasn't fool enough to believe that it would really help ease her worries. 

He couldn't help the feeling that he'd let her down once again. He had promised her that the Kohn thing would never come back to haunt them. He'd reassured her that he'd taken care of it, and they were home free. So it wasn't a far stretch for him to assume that she now blamed him somehow, even if just subconsciously, for this nightmare they'd found themselves in at this moment. 

Jax wasn't a religious man by any means. The thought of there being a heaven or hell wasn't one he wanted to ponder on, because if there was such a thing, he knew he'd most likely end up in the latter. So he'd never admit it in a million years, but despite it all, he had on occasion found himself in prayer in the most desperate moments of his life. He'd prayed for his brother Thomas, for his father JT, for Abel, and last but not least for Tara.  
He couldn't say for sure that there was a god, nor was he sure that there wasn't. But during his fourteen months stint in Stockton, he'd come to the conclusion that there had to be something, someone, some higher power out there looking out for him, who had purposely put Tara in his path back when they were kids. Even as a young child he'd been destined to be a Son, and he believed now that she was supposed to get him out of it, out of Samcro, and after all this time she had finally succeeded. He refused to believe that this one crime she'd committed would end up being their downfall in the end, especially after all the struggles they'd overcome this far.

So sitting on a tree stump in the middle of nowhere, he prayed a silent prayer in his head to this higher power he wasn't sure he actually believed in, but he did it none the less. He did it for her. He needed everything to work out, because if something went wrong tonight, they'd both be charged with capital murder. And he knew it would be the infamous last nail in the coffin of their relationship and their chance of a happily ever after. He had no doubt about that. So, despite feeling like the biggest hypocrite on the face of the earth, he prayed that they'd make it through the night. 

Finally darkness began to fall around them. They quickly changed into the change of clothes and shoes they had packed. All black sweatpants, sweatshirt and sneakers, something that wouldn't be spotted easily should they run into trouble and would have to run and disappear in the darkness of the woods. Jax also changed the license plates on his truck, another precaution, before he climbed back into the vehicle with his wife.

With a pounding heart, Tara looked over at Jax, exchanging a weak smile. Jax reached out for her hand and gave her a reassuring squeeze, before he started the truck and finally headed towards Kohn's grave.

X

Jax had reassured her that this was in fact the spot where he'd buried Kohn. He understood where she was coming from when she'd questioned him about the accuracy of the location, considering it had been years and it was dark. He might not remember much about the precise locations of any of his more recent victims, but he swore he'd never forgotten his first. So with the headlights of the truck as their guiding light, they began to dig as fast as they could.

Tara had been right, in more ways than one. The smell was nauseating and the body in such a state of decay that there was no way he'd be able to lift him out on his own ... at least not in one piece. Armed with an oversized tarp, both of them climbed inside the shallow grave. He felt sick at the sight and the smell, his stomach twisting and churning, but he'd be damned if he'd let it show, since Tara seemed to manage to power through it so stoically. They worked silently yet methodically until Kohn's remains were finally on the tarp itself so they could climb back up and hoist him out. Neither wanted to waste any time, and they made quick work, wrapping the tarp tightly around the body, and finally securing it shut with some tape.  
The body hoisted further onto the back of Jax's truck, Tara climbed in after and covered him with stacks of old newspapers. So that the outline of a body wasn't the first thing anyone saw, should they get pulled over. While Tara was busy with that, Jax hurriedly filled the grave back in as quickly as he could, before he covered it with some loose underbrush to conceal that the ground had recently been disturbed.

They gathered up their shovels and tape, before casting one more glance across the crime scene to ensure they didn't leave anything behind. Content with what they saw, they quickly shrugged out of their shoes, clothes and gloves, and threw them into a trash bag onto the back of Jax's truck. The plan was to dispose of that along with Kohn's body, to not leave any evidence behind.  
The air was cold against their bare skin, but their minds were so preoccupied with making it out of there that the freezing wind didn't even seem to faze them. Tara climbed in the cab and began to get dressed again, while Jax threw one more tarp over everything they were trying to hide, and finally locked the tailgate and topper shut.

Both awkwardly struggled to shrug into their jeans in the front seat of his truck. Jax couldn't help but let his eyes drift over her pale skin for just a fraction of a second. In any other scenario, he would've said something flirtatious or outrages that would cause her cheeks to flush in that hue of crimson that he thought suited her so well. But if there was ever a worse time for such a thing, this was it, and so he remained silent and quickly slipped his feet into his sneakers and buckled his belt.  
Tara pulled her shirt on, smoothing it down over her torso, and reached for the seatbelt, in a hurry to get out of there. Jax pulled his flannel shirt on just as quick but without even bothering to button it, he reached for the gear shift and was just about to put the truck in gear when his eyes caught a glimpse of something in the rearview mirror, still off in the distance behind them. 

"Tara." he cried out alarmingly to get her attention, and she quickly turned her head to see what he saw. Her eyes went wide with panic when she recognized the distinct blue and red lights of a sheriff vehicle that was slowly approaching and coming to a stop right behind them.

Jax had been in his fair shares of difficult or dangerous situations over the years, and had usually managed to stay level-headed, and for the most part escaped unharmed. But this was different, because this wasn't about him or Samcro, this was about her.  
All he cared about right now was keeping Tara safe, so that she could make it out of here to raise their boys into good men. So his heart was beating out of his chest, trying to think of what to do, how to get them both out of this whole. If all else would fail, he knew he'd have to use the gun he'd illegally purchased just yesterday, but that was a last resort. He truly didn't want to add yet another casualty to his already endless list of victims. But he would if he had to, for her.

"Jesus Christ, Jax." Tara looked at him with sheer panic in her eyes, "What are we gonna do?"

To him it seemed like time moved in slow motion for a moment as his eyes drifted from Tara back to the rearview mirror and back to a visibly terrified Tara again, but in hindsight he knew it had only been seconds when he came up with an idea.  
"Take your clothes back off, babe. Now!" He demanded, before he shrugged right back out of his own shirt and began to undo his belt and pants again as fast as he could.

Tara looked at him confused for a fraction of a second, but then she suddenly realized what his plan was and quickly pulled her top back up and off over her head.

"Come here." Jax demanded, yet it wasn't lust but crippling fear at the moment that caused his darkening tone of voice.

It wasn't graceful by any means, but he managed to quickly pull her onto his lap and pressed his lips to hers with such force that their teeth bumped together in the most awkward attempt of a kiss.  
They both pulled back from each other for just a second, with both their hearts beating out of their chests, eyes connecting and the kiss that followed was anything but clumsy. His hands were on her bare back, fingers temptingly near the clasp of her bra and pulling her even closer into him. Tara had snaked her arms around his neck, as their tongues danced with each other in a passionate kiss. It was a perfect performance. Or was it?

Just then, as predicted, there was a tap against the window and a flashlight shining into their faces, yet the light made it impossible to see the person wielding the instrument. 

Both pretended to be caught off guard, when Jax lowered the driver side window, while Tara, still straddling his lap, in faux embarrassment reached for her shirt beside her to hold against her almost bare chest. 

"You two, really? I figured it'd be some damn teenagers out here trespassing." The Sheriff's deputy asked with an obvious hint of amusement in her voice.

"Candy?" Jax recognized the voice, but squinted none the less as he was trying to get a look at her face to confirm it was really her.

"Jax Teller and Tara Knowles. Making out in the woods ... just like old times." Candy chuckled. "I didn't know you guys were back in town?"

"We're just here for a couple of days." Tara answered awkwardly, looking at Jax before looking back at Candy. Her cheeks a flaming red. "Picking up Jax's bikes." She added as a way to explain their visit to Charming. The only thing that wasn't a lie.

"Aren't you two getting a little bit too old for this?" Candy wondered out loud.

"Just trying to keep that spark going." Jax added with a charming smirk that could melt any woman's heart. "This used to be our spot." He looked at Tara and smirked some more, before turning his attention back to Candy Eglee. "So when Bobby told us this place was getting leveled, we thought we'd give it one last visit. You know, for old times' sake?"

Candy chuckled again, "I see."

"Everything alright?" A voice of another person rounding the side of the truck echoed through the dark clearing.

Candy finally lowered her flashlight out of Jax's face and turned towards her approaching partner, "Everything's fine. I know them. Just some love birds." She smiled when she turned towards them once more. "You guys gotta find a love-nest somewhere else though, alright? At our age, I'd suggest a soft bed."

X

Tara sat alone in the cab of his truck. She had turned the rearview mirror her way, in an attempt to see what was happening behind her. Jax and Skeeter were in a discussion.  
Her heart was still racing uncontrollably, and her hands were shaking, so she folded them into her lap to gain some control. She still couldn't believe what had happened. If it had been anyone other than Candy and her partner that stumbled up on them out there, they'd probably be getting rid of three bodies now instead of just Josh. Either that, or they'd be locked up somewhere, getting booked for murder. She felt sick at the thought of what could've happened earlier, and to her dismay, the night wasn't over yet.

Finally, she felt the slight tug on the truck, and her eyes drifted back to the rearview mirror, when Skeeter and Jax opened the back and pulled Kohn's body free from under the piles of newspapers. Tara couldn't help but take a quick look around, making sure nobody was watching, even though she knew Jax would be doing the same. This was finally the beginning of the end. In a couple of hours there would really be nothing left that could tie Jax or her to Josh's death.

X  
Jax had turned the truck around, so they could sit and wait while still keeping an eye on the entrance of the crematorium. They were both surprised when Skeeter said it would take no more than two hours at the most. Neither had done any research on it, but just assumed that it would probably take all night.  
They sat quietly in the dark, waiting for Skeeter to let them know it was done, barely speaking out of fear to jinx it somehow so close to this nightmare finally being over.

Finally Skeeter stepped outside, giving them both a thumps up. Jax quickly followed him inside, needing to see with his own eyes that there was nothing left of Kohn, before he handed Skeeter the rest of the agreed on payment. 

Jax quietly climbed back into the truck and looked at Tara, nodding his head, "It's done." The heavy burden had been lifted, and both of them felt like they could finally breathe again.  
Jax reached for Tara's hand and raised it to his lips, "It's over, babe." And kissed it softly.

Tara nodded and tried her best to smile, but instead tears welled up in her eyes, and she started sobbing uncontrollably. 

"Tara?" Jax exclaimed in surprise, as he leaned towards her, tugging on her, pulling her closer. She went limp in the warmth of his arms at first, letting Jax engulf her in his embrace while she sobbed into his shoulder. Jax tried to calm her with whispers in her ear that it was all over, that they made it as he rubbed a soothing hand up and down her back. At first it didn't seem to work, but finally Tara raised her arms and wrapped them tightly around Jax in return, clinging to him as if her life depended on it and her sobs finally began to die down. Her face was still hiding in the crook of his neck when she dared to speak. She tried to catch her breath, alternating between the words and a sob, "I'm ...so ... sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Jax asked, pulling back so he could look at her, trying to read her face.

She shook her head and her chin quivered before she finally managed to speak again, "For being such a bitch the last few days."

"Babe -" Jax started, but Tara cut him off.

"I'm serious. I was just trying to keep it together, but the whole time I was just terrified, you know?" She admitted out loud as she lowered her head against his shoulder once more, trying to get her breathing under control.

"I know. I was too." Jax replied, before he pressed a long kiss against her temple, cherishing her embrace. "But it's really done now, baby, he can never hurt you again."

They remained like that, in each other's arms, for a few minutes longer. When Tara finally loosened her grip on him and straightened up to wipe at her face, Jax couldn't help but smirk just a little. "And here I thought you had nerves-of-steel."

Tara emitted a strange sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob, before she wiped at her eyes once more. "I was faking it ... all day, the whole time."

X

"Well, shit." Jax cursed as they both climbed back into the cab of the truck. They had thought of everything, except for making a reservation in the motel they had planned to stay the night at, which turned out had no vacancies anymore for the night. 

Tara pulled out her phone, and after a quick search and a few phone calls, they realized they were out of luck, unless they wanted to make the over an hour long trip to Stockton. 

"Any ideas?" Tara looked at him expectantly.

"We could just crash here, sleep in the truck." Jax suggested.

Tara sighed, not liking that idea at all. "I just feel so ... gross. I need a hot shower. And a bed. I feel like I haven't slept in days."

"Yeah, me too." Jax agreed. "There is one more option, but you're probably not gonna like it."

X

After a phone call to Bobby, Jax pulled his truck into one of the few empty parking spots outside Diosa Norte.

"Jesus Christ, this place is packed." Tara exclaimed. "Are you sure they have an empty room?"

"Bobby said it would be no problem." Jax replied as he shut off the engine and pulled the key from the ignition.

Tara sighed, "But will the sheets be clean?" She teasingly wondered out loud.

Jax carried the overnight bag they'd packed in one hand, holding Tara's hand in the other as they approached the front door. But he suddenly stopped short, tugging on her hand and turned towards Tara. "There's just one thing." He felt embarrassed, but knew he needed to tell her before they headed inside. "I kinda told the guys we're back together."

Tara raised her eyebrows in surprised, "You did?"

Jax dropped her hand and lowered his gaze to the ground for a moment in obvious embarrassment, before he dared to meet her eyes again, "Look, I just didn't know how to tell them that I left Samcro ... that I left the club for a woman who didn't want me anymore." There was such sadness in his eyes before he once more lowered his gaze to the ground between them. "I guess I was just tryin' to save face."

"Jax." Tara blurted out in surprise and stepped closer to frame his face with her hands, forcing him to look back at her. "I do want you. I just need to be sure it will work this time. I just need a little bit more time to be sure."

He nodded solemnly but remained silent, Tara kissed him softly on the cheek, and reached for his hand, intertwining her fingers with his. A silent agreement of sorts that she'd play along. "Let's go in."

X

The lobby was busy. Alcohol was flowing, seductive music was playing, and scantily glad women and their potential customers were scattered throughout the place.

Tara frowned at the sight, she hadn't imagined she'd ever set foot in this place again. None the less, she couldn't help herself from scanning the room for some familiar faces. There were a few she recognized back from Cara Cara, but to her relief neither Ima nor Collette were here tonight.  
Tara wasn't usually the type to feel self-conscious. She might've in her younger teenage years, like most girls do, but not often as an adult, yet right now she felt it tenfold. Because just like she had scanned the room, the girls surrounding her had curiously eyed Jax and her as they'd walked inside. She hated the way they so obviously eyed Jax up and down, giving him a wink and smile, as if his hand wasn't in hers ... as if she didn't even exist anymore. Prior to her departure, when Jax was still president, they wouldn't have dared to do that in her presents ... but that obviously wasn't the case anymore. And Tara hated it. It was just one more instant reminder why she wanted away from this life.

Bobby appeared seemingly out of nowhere to greet them. He seemed so happy to see them both. After a few pleasantries were exchanged, Jax made an excuse about being exhausted, and hungry, having been on the road all day. Bobby took the hint and quickly called someone over to show them to their room for the night. Free of charge, he'd said with a wink and a tuck on his ever-growing beard. 

A new girl named Winsome showed them to their room, all the way at the end of a long hallway, away from the hustle and bustle of the coming and goings in the motel lobby. Tara was grateful for that. The less she saw and heard of those girls, the better.

X  
End Note: I'm so happy, and so thankful that I haven't lost my readers. I was worried after such a long absence that interest in my story might've faded, but I'm so glad to see that isn't so. All your comments, reviews and private messages inspired me to finish this chapter much faster than anticipated. If you liked this chapter (or even if you didn't), please leave me a few words. I always care what you guys think.  
Thanks for still reading. xoxo, Skater


	22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
X  
The water was hot, almost too hot for comfort, but Tara embraced the stinging liquid cascading down her body as a welcoming distraction, relishing the feeling of it momentarily drowning out the world around her.

It had been a very long day. Truthfully, it had been a long couple of days. Ever since Samcro had invaded their quiet solitude and Jax had told her about Kohn's body possibly being discovered, she'd been worried sick, and had longed for this very moment. The moment this nightmare would be over, and she'd be washing off the last remnants of the day when they'd gotten rid of Joshua Kohn for good. 

Yet never in a million years had she anticipated this day to end at Diosa of all places. As much as she hated the sheer existence of this place, it wasn't worth arguing over when Jax had suggested for them to spend the night here, at least not in hindsight of what they had had to do today. And besides, she'd feared his next suggestion would've been Mommy-Dearest, Gemma's place. 

She hadn't set foot in the matriarch's home since the day she'd been desperate enough to pull a gun on Chief Unser and Wendy to get her boys out of there. The memory of that day, and Wendy blurting out that she was truly Abel's mother came back to the forefront of her mind, and she felt a rush of anger surge through her as if it had happened just yesterday.  
Tara knew that Gemma taking Wendy in like that had been nothing more than another ploy to rile her up, push her out of the family even more, but it still stung despite knowing that. And now, truth be told, she'd rather sleep on the cold hard ground under a bridge somewhere then ask the former queen for a hot shower and a warm bed. 

But she didn't want to think about that anymore, but rather try to focus on the good. The nightmare was in fact over. Josh was gone. That was truly all that mattered now.  
Josh was nothing more but a pile of dust, and she should've felt relieved, yet she was still shaken up about almost getting caught with his body in the back of their truck. The moment when she'd spotted the blue and red lights behind them, and the panic that crippled her in that moment had been replaying in her mind a few times since then, no matter how hard she tried to forget.

So she definitely needed this moment of solace to let go of today's events. Shake off, or rather wash off all the panic and anxiety that had been haunting her for days. She was well aware that she was taking her sweet time, and that Jax was probably wondering what was taking her so long, but she couldn't help herself. She felts safe in here, for the first time in days. The water soothed her still frayed nerves, and slowly but surely brought a calmness back to her that she'd been missing since the moment she'd seen Samcro pull out of the parking lot of Jax's new place of employment. 

Tara stepped out of the scolding hot water just long enough to lather her hair and her body with the fruity and flowery smell of her body wash and shampoo, willing the lingering smell of earth and decay to finally vanish from her nostrils.  
But when the water was beginning to lose some of that distracting heat, she realized, with a heavy sigh, that it was time to get out. The small bathroom had filled with hot steamy air, obscuring her view, but she honestly didn't mind. She dried off as good as she could considering the humidity in the small bathroom, before wrapping the towel around her. 

Wiping at the mirror to take a look at her own reflection, she wasn't really surprised just how exhausted she looked. She was tired, not just sleepy tired, but mentally too, and it showed. Not for the first time today, she wondered how she'd been able to handle all this stress for so many years. She honestly couldn't answer that question, all she knew was that she could never go back to the life again.

X

Jax leaned back in the chair, hung up the phone and absentmindedly slid it across the small table. He watched as the rectangular device stopped sliding just in time to not fall off of the edge and onto the carpeted floor. It was one of those newer smart phones, an IPhone, the kind he'd never dared owning before out of fear it would or could get traced somehow. But Tara had finally convinced him to get it, yet it would still take him a while before he'd remember that he couldn't toss it about like his old and easily replaceable prepaid ones. It was much more fragile, and more expensive too.

He ran a hand through his still wet hair, pushing it back out of his face as small drops of water pearled down his shoulders onto his bare chest and back. When he stared at the phone on the edge of the table, he couldn't help but smile while his mind went back to a couple weeks ago. He could still picture the smirk on Tara's face when she'd teased him for still carrying that old prepaid around.  
'Don't you think it's about time to join the twenty-first century, Teller', she'd said one night as he was deleting old messages from his phone. It had taken him by surprise, because he honestly couldn't remember the last time she'd teased him and called him 'Teller' like that. The look on his face must've been something, because she had laughed at him then, thoroughly enjoying herself as she teased him so utterly carefree. He couldn't help but wonder if after today they would find their way back to that carefreeness once more.

The sound of the shower finally turning off brought him back to reality, the here and now. Tara had been in there for what seemed like forever, he noted as he glanced at the clock on the wall on the other side of the room. 

He knew after her meltdown outside of the crematorium, she'd tried her best to put on a brave face for him again. And he also knew that she knew that they were truly in the clear now. There was really nothing left this time to tie them to Kohn's disappearance all those years ago.  
But he also knew that the fear of getting caught, and the anxiety she felt wasn't as easily to shake after a day like today. So he sat patiently waiting, giving her the time she needed to cope, time to wash that fear and maybe even guilt, along with the dirt and grime down the drain. 

He himself still felt some of that adrenaline run through his own veins, so no doubt she felt it too. The burdens that came with the life always fazed him one way or another, but in the end he was able to compartmentalize it somehow. Do what needed to be done for the greater good of the club or his family, and not dare to look back.  
But he had to admit, that some of that ruthlessness that he'd embraced so willingly once he was at the head of that table, holding the gavel, had already disappeared in the short amount of time he'd spend up in Oregon. And he also knew that in general that was a good thing. That being away from Charming and Samcro, and raising his boys with the woman he loved, slowly but surely turned him back into someone resembling a human-being.  
But at the same time it scared him too. He was scared that if push came to shove, would he'd been able to protect her today? Snap back into his more ruthless-self, into the monster that Tara had called him from just a few month ago? He wanted to believe he could've pulled the trigger to protect her, even on someone they knew and had grown up with, like Candy Eglee, but he wasn't so sure!

X

Jax sat up straighter in the chair when the bathroom door finally opened. He leaned forward and rested both his arms on the small table in front of him, playing mindlessly with his lighter in hand, his eyes glued to the crack in the door, waiting for Tara to appear, but a cloud of steam emerged instead.

Tara tucked the towel a little bit tighter around her before she finally stepped into the bedroom, glancing at Jax as she passed by him and reached for the overnight bag on the floor beside the queen size bed.

He watched her as she picked up the bag and put it on the chair opposed to him before she began rifling through it. Her eyes looked tired, her exposed skin was red and blotchy, but her hair was neatly brushed back. Still dripping wet, it looked even longer and almost black in color in the somewhat dimly lit motel room.  
"Do you feel any better, babe?" Jax asked with a gentleness to his voice that almost made her want to break down in tears again. She knew he was just trying to make her feel better, but it made her more emotional the way he'd been tiptoeing around her like she was some fragile porcelain doll. And he'd been doing it for days.

"Yeah." She nodded, trying to keep her emotions in check. "A little." She dared looking up at him from the clothes she was pulling out just long enough to acknowledge him and his question.

Jax just nodded in agreement, but he could feel the still lingering anxiety coming off of her in waves. He wished he knew how to take it all away, make her feel at ease, but he just didn't know how. 

"You hungry?" He blurted out. "I ordered us some pizza from Giovanni's. Pepperoni, spicy italian sausage, peppers and mushrooms. Your favorite."

Tara feeling her towel loosening as she stood up straight, she quickly clutched her clothes to her chest to keep the towel from falling, letting the lid on the carry-on sized suitcase fall shut on its own.  
She had been so consumed with worry that up until now food had been the last thing on her mind, but she suddenly realized just how famished she actually was. Her appetite was coming back. That had to be a good sign, she wondered to herself.  
"Thanks." She smiled. "That sounds good, I'm starving, actually." She added as she graced him with a small smile of genuine gratitude this time.

"Me too." He replied and returned the smile as he dared a glance at the clock on the wall once more, "They should be here any minute now."

"Great." Tara replied, rounding the table heading back towards the bathroom when there was a sudden knock at the door.

"That's probably the food now." Jax said out loud standing up from his seat and watched Tara quickly slip inside, closing the bathroom door behind her, before he half-yelled over his shoulder "Come in." and reached quickly for his wallet on the table.

Jax's back was turned as the door quickly opened and closed behind him with a creak. He silently began counting out the cash for the pizza in his hand. "How much do I owe you?" he asked out loud and looked back over his shoulder at the pizza delivery guy just in time to hear her reply.

"For you, Jax? You know you're free of charge." Collette answered with amusement in her voice, and dared to smile sheepishly at him, giving him a seductive once over as she stepped further into the room towards him.

Fuck! This couldn't be happening.

It only took him a second to gather his wits and realize that this wasn't a nightmare he'd concocted in his sleep-deprived head.  
He'd never regarded Collette in an angry manner before. Because unlike Ima, who had viciously dangled their dalliance in Tara's face at the first opportunity, Collette hadn't intentionally tried to hurt Tara, so who was he to put the blame on her for his mistakes. 

But now she was here, in their room, dressed in nothing but a satin nighty and high heels, and the thought of what it would do to Tara's already fragile state of mind had his pulse racing and his face growing grim with anger.  
"What the hell are you doing here?" He asked in a hushed, yet angry and urgent tone of voice that couldn't be missed. His fist clenched around the dollar bills still in his hand, and he dared a quick glance at the closed bathroom door behind him before he stepped closer towards the unwanted intruder. "You need to leave." He brushed her hands off of him almost violently, taking brisk steps towards her, leaving her no choice but to take a few steps back.

Collette saw how his facial expression had changed the moment his eyes had landed on her, but she didn't understand what she'd done to evoke such fury directed at her. It didn't make sense, but she realized quickly that she must have somehow misread the news of his return to Charming.  
Suddenly embarrassed by her wrongful assumptions and her own state of undress, she folded her arms in front of herself, but before she could even utter a reply, Jax practically growled at her through clenched teeth, closing in on her some more, "You need to get the fuck out of here. Right fucking now."

At that Collette's eyes widened with shock and hurt. It wasn't so much his dismissal but the delivery that stung her more than she'd ever admit. But then again, in her profession, this was nothing new to her really. She'd been on the receiving end of changed moods and changed minds by brooding men more times than she could count and she'd inadvertently grown a thick skin for that very reason.  
With her head held a little higher, she returned his angry stare with a look of boldness. "I didn't realize I wasn't welcome here" she mumbled, in no mood to argue as she took a step backwards towards the door to leave, giving him a smug once-over as if to say 'your loss', but then she froze when suddenly the door behind Jax opened and to her surprise Tara emerged. 

Jax heard the door open behind him, and glanced over his shoulder, but Tara had her eyes trained on Collette instead. He closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose in obvious frustration and mumbled under his breath, "Shit." Taking a few steps away from Collette, as if his mere proximity to her would somehow determine his guilt in her unexpected appearance here. This was what he'd tried to avoid from happening. He knew without a doubt there was no way in hell this was going to end well for anyone involved.

Collette's eyes lit up with obvious surprise when she recognized the brunette as Jax's wife. Her dark hair was longer, and dressed in PJ shorts and a tank top she looked a lot more slender than Collette remembered from their last encounter. But now it all made perfect sense, she suddenly understood Jax's reaction towards her being here. She clearly hadn't expected his wife to be here with him, or she never would've set foot in his room in the first place.

"What the hell is she doing here?" Tara hissed and looked from Collette to Jax for an answer, her face turning stone cold at the sight of her husband and his whore.

"Babe, it's not what you think." Jax tried to explain, his eyes pleading with her to not jump to conclusions, but to hear him out. Yet even he couldn't deny how ridiculous he sounded once the words had left his mouth.

"Really? Your whore is here, but it's not what I think?" Tara said sarcastically and with her eyebrows raised to new heights looked at him incredulously, before she turned her anger towards the other woman instead. The woman he'd betrayed her with. The woman he'd destroyed her with.

But to Tara's surprise Collette held up her hands apologetically, the universal sign of surrender short of waving a little white flag, obviously aware of her own mistake now. She had her eyes trained on Tara, "Look, honey, I'm sorry. I heard Jax was back in town. I clearly misunderstood. I thought he ..." But the words died down on her tongue as she shifted closer to the door. She almost stuttered, "I'm ... I'm sorry. I'll leave you two alone."

But Tara wasn't about to let her off the hook that easily, "You thought ... what?" She angrily demanded to hear the rest of that sentence. "What were you thinking walking in here, dressed like that?"

"Babe? Come on?" Jax tried to interject, not liking where this was going one bit and desperately needing this encounter to end. Tara turned her attention to him just long enough to shoot him a look of defiance and fury. "Stay out of it, Jax." And if looks alone could kill, he would've dropped dead right then and there.

"I wanna know what she thought." Tara repeated inquisitively, her eyes meeting Jax's sternly, before they drifted back to the blonde Madame just a few steps away from her. 

"I don't want any trouble." Collette answered and shifted some more to reach for the doorknob.

"TELL ME!" Tara suddenly yelled, startling Collette and stopping her dead in her tracks, unable to keep her cool any longer.

"I thought he needed me ... wanted me." Collette suddenly blurted out in obvious frustration, and tired of carefully choosing her words around his wife another second longer. 

Tara's face grimaced even more in anger and disgust, as her eyes threw daggers at the woman standing across from her. Every word oozed with venom when Tara calmly replied."I handle all of his needs and wants, honey." And the term of endearment Collette had used on her just moments ago, now sounded every bit like the insult Tara wanted it to be.

Tara's proclamation would've elated Jax had the circumstances been different, but right now it merely evoked a frustrated groan as he ran a hand over his weary face, turning his attention towards the blonde once more. "For Christ sake, Collette, just get the hell out already." he practically growled at her. He knew there was absolutely nothing she could say that would somehow make this end amicably. The longer they talked, the more was said, and it could only end worse.

But Jax's words fell on deaf ears as the blonde was now riled up at well. Collette had tried to keep her cool, knowing she was in the wrong for barging in here like she had, but suddenly Tara's words had evoked a sense of pride in her she'd long thought forgotten, and she simply couldn't help herself. "That's odd, because he needed and wanted me plenty in the past." Collette dared to look at Jax, before smirking back at Tara, feeling momentarily like she'd suddenly gained the upper hand in this battle.

At those words, Tara simply couldn't stop the image of Jax and her in bed together from clouding her vision with tears again. There was still so much hurt and anger that those memories evoked in her, so many lingering emotions that she hadn't been able to shake no matter how much she'd tried. Seeing her again, here, like this, combined with all the shit she'd gone through today, it made her see red and Tara finally snapped.

It all happened so fast, before either Jax or Collette could even utter another word, or otherwise react, Tara had charged at Collette with the speed of a bullet. Her knuckles connected with Collette's left cheek and the blonde fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes, crying out in pain. Tara dropped to her knees in front of her and drew back once more. Collette raised her hands up in a desperate attempt to fend off the attack, but it was too late.  
Another perfectly placed right hook, and the distinct crunch of her nose breaking sounded through the room, along with Collette's strangled cry as blood began pouring down her battered face.

"TARA! Jesus Christ." Jax yelled as two arms encircled Tara's waist and forcefully pulled her up and away from Collette, before she could throw another punch.

"LET GO OF ME!" Tara protested loudly against him, but to no avail, his hold on her was too strong as he practically dragged her away from the scene of the crime. 

"Tara, stop." He huffed at her in frustration as she continued to struggle against him, but finally released the tight grip he had on her.

Collette moaned in pain behind them, causing both their heads to turn towards her, but when Tara tried to approach her once more, Jax was quick to step in her way this time, blocking her from doing any more damage than was already done. "Babe, stop it." He nodded his head towards Collette who was trying to get back to her feet, while holding one hand protectively over her bloodied nose. "You got her good."

Collette mumbled something incoherently under her breath, but when she dared to shoot the couple one more look, Jax frowned at her and pointed a dismissive finger towards the door, "Just get the hell out."

The moment the door closed behind Collette, Tara disappeared into the bathroom and angrily slammed the door shut behind her as well.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Jax cursed to himself and stood there dumbstruck for a few seconds, before he decided to follow Tara into the bathroom, bracing himself for the argument he was sure was about to ensue.

"Hey." He said as he stepped through the door, instantly recognizing the small sobs, but still trying to get a look at her face to see if she was really crying. Of course she was!

Just then Tara turned towards him just long enough to let him see her already tear streaked face, "Don't Jax, just get out, alright. Pleeease, just leave me the hell alone right now." To his surprise the anger in her voice had been replaced with sadness and defeat, which he couldn't quite wrap his head around. After all, Collette had just limped out of here, with a bloodied broken nose and hurting pride.

But Jax couldn't help himself. No way in hell was he leaving now and give that anger and sadness some time to fester even more.

He quickly stepped up behind her and reached for her right hand, tugging at it before Tara even knew what he was doing. "Jesus Christ, babe." he shook his head at her in disapproval, and pulled her with him towards the sink, turning the faucet on and carefully rinsed the blood from Tara's bloodied knuckles.

"I said leave me alone." Tara repeated, yet didn't put up a real fight against him either.  
Instead she winced in pain as the water hit the open wounds, but avoided his eyes at all cost as she wiped her tears away with her other free hand.

Jax let go of her hand abruptly, and turned around, slamming the toilet lid shut and motioned for her to sit the same instant he uttered the word at her in obvious irritation. "Sit."

Tara looked at him perplexed for a long moment, wondering why he acted like he had a right to be mad at her, and in turn it brought her own anger to bubble quickly back up to the surface. She continued to hold her hand under the stream of cold water, defying his orders for her to take a seat while she gave him a cold shoulder instead. Yet the ability to hold her tongue on the matter merely lasted a handful of seconds.

She shook her head angrily to herself, watching him out of the corner of her eye as he rifled through the medicine cabinet, and the cabinet under the sink, she assumed looking for the first aid kit.

"You don't get to be pissed at me." Tara suddenly hissed in his direction, and in return got his undivided attention, and with it a stone cold stare. "If anyone has a right to be mad here, it's me." And she'd be damned if she'd back down now. "You heard what she said. She provoked me, Jax. I've put up with a lot of shit over the years, but I'll damned if some god damn prostitute is going to stand there and talk to me like that."

Jax slammed the cabinet shut with a bang, if it was supposed to scare her, he was out of luck. First aid kit in hand now, he practically shoved her away from the sink towards the toilet, forcing her to take a seat after all. His jaw ticked with suppressed rage as he did so, and the look he gave her spoke volumes as well. He kneeled down on the floor in front of her and began digging through the first aid kid, not even looking at her when he said, "You seriously think I'm pissed because you hit her?"

"You pulled me off of her." Tara interrupted, stating the obvious and not the least bit intimidated by his behavior or demeanor towards her. Somehow the adrenaline still running through her gave her a bravery she seldom found anymore these days.

Jax shook his head at her and looked up, before he angrily grabbed her right wrist, "I pulled you off of her because of this." Holding her bloodied hand higher and right up to her own face. "Less than twenty-four hours back in Charming, and you already fucked up your hand ... again."

That shut her right up, - temporarily at least - because she knew he was right, but it didn't change the fact that she was still pissed at him too. "It's not broken." She halfheartedly supplied in a weak attempt to justify herself.

Both remained quiet for a long moment, and Jax avoided her eyes as he carefully dabbed the skin that had split open on her knuckles with an alcohol swab, ignoring her wincing at the contact. Followed with a dab of Neosporin on some gauze, gently placed on the open wounds, and then took his sweet time as he carefully wrapped her hand in a bandage.  
But as he secured the end of the bandage in place, so it wouldn't come loose, he couldn't hold back any longer. "How many months has it been since you finally got cleared for surgery again?" he asked without taking a breath between words. She knew the question was rhetorical, and he was not expecting an actual answer, but the righteous look he gave her now bothered her just the same.

"I don't need a lecture from you on how to conduct myself in a whorehouse." Tara replied angrily, refusing to let him turn the tables on her. She had every right to be mad, and do what she'd done. "Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" She proudly dared to throw her own rhetorical question in his face in return.

At that, despite the fact that he was still angry, he couldn't help the small smile that formed on his lips at the feistiness in her words. He raised his eyebrows at her as he focused his blue eyes solely on her now, almost making her regret what she'd just said as she tried not to squirm under his scrutiny.  
Maybe it was time that he clarified what he meant, "I really don't give a shit if you want to beat the holy hell out of her. After that shit she said, be my guest. All I'm saying is be fucking smarter with your choice of weapon, babe." 

Again, he had a god damn point.  
Tara drew her lips in a straight line and held his gaze for a long moment before she finally conceded and nodded her head in agreement. With that he gently tucked her bandaged hand closer to him and kissed it, before he looked back up at her. His eyes suddenly reflecting a gentleness again when he said, "These hands still got a whole lot of good to do, you know. Got some more babies to save." He reached for her other one and gave that one a gentle kiss as well, before he looked down at them in awe. "Your hands, they're like the yang to my yin, babe. Can't go around fucking them up, because you let someone like her get under your skin."

Jax stood and put the first aid kit back where he'd found it, as another moment of silence hung heavy in the air with Tara still remaining suspiciously quiet.

Jax turned around then, facing her once more as he leaned against the sink behind him and crossed his arms in front of his still bare chest. "Look, I had no idea she'd be here. Maybe I should've asked Bobby when I called him, but honestly she was the last thing on my mind. I'm sorry." He said, sincerely. 

Tara closed her eyes, lowered her head and pinched the bridge of her nose with her un-bandaged hand before she let out a sigh, "I know, Jax." She nodded but still didn't look up at him to meet his penetrating gaze. "I know her showing up like this was out of your control, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, you know." The pitch in her voice raising on the last few words gave away the tears that began to form in her eyes once more.

He knew there was really nothing he could say to fix the way this encounter with Collette made her feel. All he could do was trying to lighten the mood, so he gave it his best shot, "You want me to drag her back in here by her hair, so you can finish her off? With the gun this time, of course."

At that Tara couldn't help but look up at him, a sad smile gracing her lips just for a fraction of a second when she replied, "Don't tempt me."

Jax laughed, but Tara tried not to crack another smile at the sound of it.

He smirked, "I could call Skeeter, see if he could give us a discount. You know, maybe some 'burn one, get one half off' kinda-deal."

Tara shook her head, trying to hide the smile on her face with both of her hands.  
This was sick. This was not funny.  
Murder wasn't supposed to be funny, but she couldn't help herself. As she tried so hard not to laugh out loud, she couldn't help but wonder if maybe today's events had finally pushed her over the edge herself. Just maybe she was finally losing her god damn mind like the rest of the residents in this poisonous town, when a stifled laugh bubbled from her throat after all.

X  
End Note: Please review and let me know what you think. Thank you, xoxo


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